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Ryansamturner Posted 13 years ago
Grammar
Too many commas?
In the below paragraph, do you think I have too many commas?
I do like the way it flows, and can't see an obvious break in speech.
'''''''''''His head was bald, but for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it, a poor attempt to hide his baldness, one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts, plus, he looked too old to be worrying about his appearance in any case.''''''''''
Any advice?
Ryan
I do like the way it flows, and can't see an obvious break in speech.
'''''''''''His head was bald, but for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it, a poor attempt to hide his baldness, one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts, plus, he looked too old to be worrying about his appearance in any case.''''''''''
Any advice?
Ryan
Top answer
I think the sentence is too long. I have split it into sentences. I hope it is good enough.
- I think the sentence is too long.
- I have split it into sentences.
- I hope it is good enough.
- His head was bald, but for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it.
- It was a poor attempt to hide his baldness, one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts.
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5 Answers
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I think the sentence is too long. I have split it into sentences. I hope it is good enough.
His head was bald, but for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it. It was a poor attempt to hide his baldness, one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts. In addition, he looked too old to be worrying about his appearance in any case.
His head was bald, but for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it. It was a poor attempt to hide his baldness, one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts. In addition, he looked too old to be worrying about his appearance in any case.
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If you don't want to split the sentence, I would recommend something like this:
His head was bald, but* for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it—a poor attempt to hide his baldness, one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts; plus, he looked too old to be worrying ab
His head was bald, but* for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it—a poor attempt to hide his baldness, one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts; plus, he looked too old to be worrying ab
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It's fine. Once you start thinking about your commas, they begin to look like so many scimitars on the paper. Don't worry about it so much is my advice.
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I offer this version with minimal changes. Two sentences and no em-dashes.'
'His head was bald but for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it in a poor attempt to hide his baldness; one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts. Besidesplus, he looked too old to be worrying about his appearance. in any case
And here is anot
'His head was bald but for the few strands of thin white hair that were scattered across it in a poor attempt to hide his baldness; one that wasn’t worth his vain efforts. Besides
And here is anot
00
As a hair-challenged male myself, I offer my own de-commaed version:
His head was bald but for the few strands of thin white hair that were combed carefully across it, a poor attempt to hide his alopecia. This was hardly worth his vain effort, for he was too old to be worrying about his appearance.
His head was bald but for the few strands of thin white hair that were combed carefully across it, a poor attempt to hide his alopecia. This was hardly worth his vain effort, for he was too old to be worrying about his appearance.
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