Toefl writing evaluation

Hi. I would like to have someone's opinion who understands toefl writing and scoring issues!

Which score you would give to this writing and what are your critics and most importantly recommendations for improving?

Thank you very much!

Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why?

Nowadays, smart phones are very important communication devices and furthermore they provide a very convenient way of communication. I believe that from youngest children to eldest people, smart phones are very important devices for keeping in touch.

First of all, smart phones can provide instanteneous communication between parents and their children not only via speaking but also via chatting, sharing photographs or videos. This advanced way of communication is like an invisible long distance linkage between parents and their children. For instance, when I was at highschool I had to go to US for my studies. I was very nervous because it was my first time in abroad and I felt very lonely and on top of that my mother was a very anxious woman. However, everyday we could talk to each other even face to face with video calling thanks to smart phone. It was like as if we were together all the time. Thus my mother felt more relaxed knowing that I was doing quiet well in abroad.

In addition to communication, parents can keep track of their children's location by using smart phones. This turned out to be a very useful property of smart phones when our neighbour's child had been kidnapped by a gang who demanded ransack. Thanks to child's smartphone and gang's ignorance of technological devices, police could track his location and saved the day.

Finally, in case of an emergency situation, smart phones turn out to be very useful and crucial devices. Every necessary instruction for almost all kinds of emergency situations can be found on the Internet and smart phones can be used to get that information. As an example, a friend of mine had fell from his bike very badly that he could not stand up and walk to the hospital. He also did not know how to call an ambulance. However, he had his smartphone with him and he searched through the number of the ambulance. If that information was not available he may have died due to blood loss.

In conclusion, I belive that smartphones are very useful devices and even can save lives at times of crisis. Keeping in touch with other people all the time means we can have their strength and power with ourselves all the time.