TOEFL independent writing task example

Hi,

Please tell me if I'm doing ok in this example for TOEFL writing task # 2.

TITLE: Some people think that parents should plan their children’s leisure time carefully. Other people believe? those children should decide for themselves how to spend their free time, Which idea do you agree with?Give reasons for your choice.

Childhood is full of fun and exploring many things in life and most of children love to spend their time playing and having fun, but most parents do their best to manage their children time; especially, leisure time because a children may spend their entire day on games and maybe watching TV beside of course, doing the essential things; like, eating and sleeping. In my opinion, not managing children time could cause negative consequences on both short and long ranges of children life. In the following paragraphs I will explain two reasons about how managing children leisure time is beneficial on both short and long ranges of time.

First, in the short range, managing children time over the whole day is very important for children school performance. Because, spending a lot of time playing, watching TV and pretty much anything that is in their leisure habits will affect their school grades and even their obligation to attend school and do homework duties. For example, nowadays, there are many things that could keep children very busy during the day and one very famous example is video games which are now in many types that fit most of children in the world. And my idea about the case of video games is that it depends on the type of children the family have, if children are insisting to play all the time and skipping schools work, then parents must put a restrict rule about how much time children may play video games or do whatever is in their entertaining habits.

Second, in the long range, teaching children how to manage their leisure time will have a very good influence on their personality after finishing high school. Because children after finishing all three stages of education are on their own. For example, if they enrolled in higher education degree, they will have to do their daily routine based on their time management skills. If they manage their time efficiently, they will do good in their college or university education and as a result they will graduate with a good GPA. Otherwise, they will either do bad or maybe fail to pass their higher education.

In conclusion, parents should express their love to their children by teaching them how to mange their time, because they will be successful in their life for either, the short range which is the time they live with their parents in home. And in the long range which they may either live with their parents in the same home, live on their own for pursuing higher education or even getting a job for getting married because they also will teach their children the good things they learned from their parents and that is how we like to build own society by having successful children who know how to manage time.