Toefl essay Intresting !!

Question

180. In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The population have grown rapidly over this century researches indicate that in 1800 were 1 billion people in the world today there are 7 billion people and researchers are predicting that in 2020 going to be 8 billion and in 2030 more than 9 billion. This cause to demand for lands to be developed for housing and industry countries like Canada and Australia don't deal with those problems because the land is not limited like my country.

I am living in Israel witch located in the Middle East, very small country 400 km from the northern point to the southern point. Today there are 8 million people that make Israel to be one of the dense country in the world. 25% from the land inhabited (for example in Australia is 1%) because of that and because of the grow population we need more land for housing, industry and agriculture the problem is that we do not have many natural places left. The first premier minister of Israel had a goal to bloom the "Negev", the Negev is a harsh weather desert part that contain 60% of Israel's land and most of the Negev are not inhabits because of the harsh weather but if we could have bloomed the Negev we would have had a lot of essential land.

The second problem is: we do need land in its natural condition, There isn't only human on earth there are many other animals species which also need places to occupy and we need to regard that we need those animal and bugs they help to maintain the environment, and based on the population grow they are losing they dwelling and the land can't occupy both of us, so they harmed, Also the army basis starch on large surface, In fact the army understood the housing hardship so they offer to solders very chip rental houses.

The land in my country is a delicate situation we need more places for housing, industry, farming and also a nature places for the animals. Precious land in the holy land.
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Thanks for the helpers,
this question I really tryied to answer on the question but we do have problem with land, so I moved a bit from the main topic I hop it's good.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As you know, you have strayed off-topic. That will not be good in the eyes of people who will grade your essay. The first paragraph should state your country and your thesis about its requirements for natural areas and developed area. The next paragraphs should be points to support your thesis. The last paragraph should summarize your ideas.
Most people don't know what "bloom the Negev" means. You need to explain that in a sentence or two.

I have highlighted some of the places that need your attention and, in italics, indicated what the mistake is.

The population (singular) have grown rapidly over this century researches (run-on sentence; research is non-count) indicate that in 1800 (missing subject) were 1 billion people in the world today (missing punctuation) there are 7 billion people and researchers are predicting that in 2020 (missing subject, helping verb) going to be 8 billion and in 2030 more than 9 billion. This cause to demand (infinitive is not good here) for lands to be developed for housing and industry (run-on sentence) countries like Canada and Australia don't deal with those problems because the land is not limited like (as in) my country.

I am living in Israel witch (missing verb) located in the Middle East, (missing article ) very small country 400 km from the northern point to the southern point. Today there are 8 million people (missing punctuation) that make Israel to be one of the dense country in the world. 25% (don't begin a sentence with a number in digits.) from the land (missing verb) inhabited (for example in Australia is 1%) because of that and because of the grow population we need more land for housing, industry and agriculture (run-on sentence) the problem is that we do not have many natural places left. The first premier minister of Israel had a goal to bloom the "Negev", (comma splice) the Negev is a harsh weather desert part that contain 60% of Israel's land and most of the Negev are not inhabits because of the harsh weather (missing punctuation) but if we could have bloomed the Negev we would have had a lot of essential land.

The second problem is: (what is the first problem?) we do need land in its natural condition, There isn't only human on earth (missing punctuation) there are many other animals species which also need places to occupy and we need to regard that (run-on sentence) we need those animal and bugs (run-on sentence) they help to maintain the environment, and based on the population grow they are losing they dwelling and the land can't occupy both of us, so they harmed, Also the army basis starch on large surface, In fact the army understood the housing hardship so they offer to solders very chip rental houses.

The land in my country is a delicate situation (run-on sentence)we need more places for housing, industry, farming and also a nature places for the animals. Precious land in the holy land. (fragment)

Eitan Tom Godinger · Answer

The population has grown rapidly over this century, in 1800 there were 1 billion people in the world. Today there are 7 billion people and researchers are predicting that in 2020 there are going to be 8 billion, and in 2030 more than 9 billion. This increases the demand for lands to be developed for housing and industry. Countries like Canada and Australia don't deal with those problems because the land is not limited as in my country.

I am living in Israel. Israel is located in the Middle East, a very small country 400 km from the northern point to the southern point. Today there are 8 million people, witch made Israel to be one of the densest country in the world. Twenty five percent of the land is inhabited. (for example in Australia is 1%) because of that and because of the grown population we need more land for housing, industry and agriculture. The problem is that we do not have many natural places left. The first Prime minister of Israel had a goal to bloom the "Negev", The Negev is a harsh weather desert that located on 60% on Israel's land, and most of the Negev is empty people don’t dwelling there because of the harsh weather. But if we could have bloomed the Negev we would have had a lot of essential land.

We also do need land in its natural condition; there are not only people on earth. There are many other animals species which also need places to occupy and we need to regard that, we need those animals and bugs, they help to maintain the environment, and based on the population grown they are losing there dwelling and the land can't occupied both of us, so they have harmed, Also the army basis stretch on large surface in fact the army understood the housing hardship so they offer solders very cheap rental houses.

The land in my country is a delicate situation, we need more places for housing, industry, farming and also natural land for the animals. This is a precious land in the holy land.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi Eitan,
There are still grammatical problems in your essay. The yellow highlighted words are incorrect. I have commented on other problems.

The population has grown rapidly over this century, (comma splice) in 1800 there were 1 billion people in the world. Today there are 7 billion people and researchers are predicting that in 2020 there are going to be 8 billion, and in 2030 more than 9 billion. This increases the demand for lands to be developed for housing and industry. Countries like Canada and Australia don't deal with those problems because the land is not limited as in my country.

I am living in Israel. Israel is located in the Middle East, a very small country 400 km from the northern point to the southern point. Today there are 8 million people, witch made (mixed tenses) Israel to be one of the densest country in the world. Twenty (missing hyphen) five percent of the land is inhabited. (for example in Australia is 1%) because of that and because of the grown population we need more land for housing, industry and agriculture. The problem is that we do not have many natural places left. The first Prime minister of Israel had a goal to bloom the "Negev", The Negev is a harsh weather desert ~~that located on~~ making up 60% of Israel's land, and most of the Negev is empty people don’t dwelling there because of the harsh weather. But if we could have bloomed the Negev we would have had a lot of essential land.

We also do need land in its natural condition; there are not only people on earth. There are many other animals species which also need places to occupy and we need to regard that, (incorrect punctuation) we need those animals and bugs, (comma splice) they help to maintain the environment, and based on the population grown they are losing there dwelling and the land can't occupied both of us, so they have harmed, (incorrect punctuation) Also the army basis stretch over on large surface areas (run-on sentence) in fact the army understood the housing hardship so they offer solders very cheap rental houses.

The land in my country is in a delicate situation, (comma splice) we need more places for housing, industry, farming and also natural land for the animals. This is a precious land in the holy land. (Maybe you meant: There is precious little land in the Holy Land.)

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