TOEFL

I have been practicing writing Toefl essays. But I do not know where it needs to be improved. So if you will, please provide constructive criticism. I appreciate any help you provide. Thanks!

Some people say that physical exercise should be a required part of every school day. Other people believe that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Which opinion do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

I believe that school courses should incorporate physical education classes into their everyday classes. I feel this way because there are many beneficial factors to exercising. Schools should not be limited to mere academic education that can only be learned in text books and papers, but a wide range of different lessons as well.
One way physical exercises may benefit students is relieving the students of stress. A whole day of studying may result in a lot of stress and tension in the student body, which can be alleviated through exercising. The tension built in students’ muscles will be able to be released and thus relieving the students’ stress. In releasing their stress, they will be able to learn more easily without being constantly worried.
Another reason that makes physical exercise important and helpful to students is that they would be able to focus on their academic studies more. Students may be unable to focus on lessons and lectures in class after long periods of sitting and note-taking. Eventually they will have to strain to concentrate on the lesson. Therefore, with a physical exercise class a day, students will be able to have a reprieve between one straining lesson and another.
Furthermore, sportsmanship and teamwork is an important lesson that is more often than not learned through participating in sports activities. Schools should be teaching beyond facts from textbooks but also invaluable life lessons. Sportsmanship and teamwork is one of those vital lessons that cannot be learned through lectures; they are also values that are important in the real world and the students must learn them. Thus physical education will teach students valuable lessons and benefit them in the future.
In conclusion, physical exercise will benefit students in many ways, of which includes relieving stress, re-focusing their attention, and teaching them important lessons. This is why physical exercise classes should be mandatory and emphasized by schools.