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Mr. Tom Posted 16 years ago
Hi
Could you please see the start of my story and help me make it natural, especially the yellow parts? Also, would you say that the start is too abrupt? I mean that only the first three lines cover the writer’s depression, his feelings towards his family, his wife’s elopement and the night the story actually starts?
Those days nothing felt nice. I constantly had/I was constantly filled with an awful sense of isolation, but it had nothing to do with the recent elopement of my wife or death of my father. They had hardly existed in my life anyway. Each time I tried to analyze my sinking feeling/the gloomy feeling my thoughts drifted back to that cold, ferocious night. (or: my thoughts took me back to...)
Rain came in torrents and I was still about 10 kilometers away from home. The flooded street was dark and deserted. The incessant thunder and pelting water only strengthened the ghostly silence. I had driven down this road dozens of time before but had never realized that it had such nasty twists and turns. And then happened what I had feared the most in the past hour. My jeep stopped with a jerk.
Many thanks for your time and effort!
Tom
Grammar
Those days nothing felt nice.
Hi
Could you please see the start of my story and help me make it natural, especially the yellow parts? Also, would you say that the start is too abrupt? I mean that only the first three lines cover the writer’s depression, his feelings towards his family, his wife’s elopement and the night the story actually starts?
Those days nothing felt nice. I constantly had/I was constantly filled with an awful sense of isolation, but it had nothing to do with the recent elopement of my wife or death of my father. They had hardly existed in my life anyway. Each time I tried to analyze my sinking feeling/the gloomy feeling my thoughts drifted back to that cold, ferocious night. (or: my thoughts took me back to...)
Rain came in torrents and I was still about 10 kilometers away from home. The flooded street was dark and deserted. The incessant thunder and pelting water only strengthened the ghostly silence. I had driven down this road dozens of time before but had never realized that it had such nasty twists and turns. And then happened what I had feared the most in the past hour. My jeep stopped with a jerk.
Many thanks for your time and effort!
Tom
Top answer
I don't have any problem with the density of information in the opening paragraph, but I do find the opening sentence a little weak, partly because of the word "nice". Some suggestions (the highlighted parts I left alone seem OK to me): Those days nothing felt nice. I was constantly filled with an awful sense of isolation, but it had nothing to do with the recent elopement of my wife or the death of my father.
- I don't have any problem with the density of information in the opening paragraph, but I do find the opening sentence a little weak, partly because of the word "nice".
- Some suggestions (the highlighted parts I left alone seem OK to me): Those days nothing felt nice.
- I was constantly filled with an awful sense of isolation, but it had nothing to do with the recent elopement of my wife or the death of my father.
- They had hardly existed in my life anyway.
- Each time I tried to analyze my gloomy feelings, my thoughts drifted back to that cold, ferocious night.
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1 Answers
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I don't have any problem with the density of information in the opening paragraph, but I do find the opening sentence a little weak, partly because of the word "nice". Some suggestions (the highlighted parts I left alone seem OK to me):
Those days nothing felt nice. I was constantly filled with an awful sense of isolation, but it had nothing to do with the recent elopement of my w
Those days nothing felt nice. I was constantly filled with an awful sense of isolation, but it had nothing to do with the recent elopement of my w
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