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Rommel Posted 11 years ago
Grammar

This sentence of mine is well-constructed, right?

This sentence of mine is well-constructed, right? If not, how can I improve it?

She remembers the day when he, on bended knee with a ring in hand, proposed to her.
  

Top answer

Rommel well-constructed It's OK, but I find it a little disturbing that the subject and verb of the when -clause are separated by so many words. I would place those before 'he' or at the end. I'd also make another minor change as shown: She remembers the day when, on bended knee and ring in hand, he proposed to her.

— CalifJim

  • Rommel well-constructed It's OK, but I find it a little disturbing that the subject and verb of the when -clause are separated by so many words.
  • I would place those before 'he' or at the end.
  • I'd also make another minor change as shown: She remembers the day when, on bended knee and ring in hand, he proposed to her.
  • She remembers the day when he proposed to her on bended knee and ring in hand.
  • Also possible: on bended knee and with a ring in his hand.
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5 Answers
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Rommelwell-constructed
It's OK, but I find it a little disturbing that the subject and verb of the when-clause are separated by so many words. I would place those before 'he' or at the end. I'd also make another minor change as shown:

She remembers the day when, on bended knee and ring in hand, he proposed to her.

S
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CalifJimAlso possible: on bended knee and with a ring in his hand.
Uh, you mean, these sentences are also correct?
  • She remembers the day when, on bended knee and with a ring in his hand, he proposed to her.
  • She remembers the day when he proposed to her on bended knee and with a ring in his hand.
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Rommelyou mean, these sentences are also correct?
Yes. That's what I mean.

CJ
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How about saying She remembers the day when he proposed to her on his bended knee and with a ring in his hand? Is it okay?
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RommelHow about saying She remembers the day when he proposed to her on his bended knee and with a ring in his hand? Is it okay?
It seems OK to me.

CJ
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