This is what I demand from you to surrender your will to me.

Question

Please edit/correct the given text. Please give it some gloss so that it sounds good

And her lover says to her that he loves her so much that he will marry her the moment she gets divorce; no matter even if he has to challenge the very norms of the society and he is outcast as a result. And she again asks him what else can you do for me? He says I can offer my life to you; I can die for you. Then, she says, then, never ever meet me again. This is what I demand from you to surrender your will to me. This is what I demand from you. He says to her if I have to surrender my will, then it would be like surrendering my love. As you have demanded it, I will surrender my will. The next day she receives a letter, which says: Life without your love is impossible. To surrender my love I have to kill myself.

Because a human is willing to bear pain temporarily so if he decides to die he will feel the pain for only some time. On the hand if he surrenders his will, he will have to fight himself everyday. He has to choose between two paths: easy path and the path which can only be walked by brave hearts.

Avangi · Accepted Answer

The moment she gets divorce the moment she gets (becomes) divorced / the moment she gets (obtains) a divorce

No mater even if he has to challenge No matter if he [even] has to challenge

asks him what else can you do for me? asks him, "What else can you do for me?"

Come on, these are all direct quotes. You can do the rest of them!

To surrender my love I have to kill myself. (?? In order to surrender my love ?? Can you explain what you mean by this?)

In the first sentence of the second paragraph, the conjunctions are not used idiomatically. I think the simplest solution is to use two sentences.
A human is willing to bear pain temporarily. Therefore, if he decides to die, etc.

for only some time for only a short time

On the hand if he surrenders his will, On the other hand, if he etc.

between two paths: easy path and the path which two paths: the easy path and the path etc.

Sorry about the gloss. The paint store was closed.

Mr Wordy · Answer

A few edits/comments...

And her lover says to her that he loves her so much that he will marry her the moment she gets a divorce; [or "gets divorced"] no matter even if he has to challenge the very norms [picky quibble: "norms" jars a bit for me here as a rather more technical/prosaic word than I was expecting] of the society and he is outcast as a result. And she again asks him, "What else can you do for me?" He says, "I can offer my life to you; I can die for you." "Then," she says, "Then, never ever meet me again. This [I'm slightly confused about what "this" refers to. Is it that he dies for her or that he never meets her again? From what follows, I guess it must be the former?] is what I demand from you to surrender your will to me. This is what I demand from you." He says to her, "If I have to surrender my will, then it would be like surrendering my love. As you have demanded it, I will surrender my will." The next day she receives a letter, which says: "Life without your love is impossible. To surrender my love I have to kill myself."

Because a human is willing to bear pain temporarily so if he decides to die he will feel the pain for only some time. [This construction doesn't work for me. Do you mean that dying is bearable because the pain is short-lived and a human can bear that?] On the other hand, if he surrenders his will he will have to fight himself every day. [Why? To me, if you "surrender your will" then you give up and cease fighting anything.] He has to choose between two paths: the easy path and the path which can only be walked by brave hearts. [possible risk of mixed metaphor here?]

Jackson6612 · Answer

Avangi and Mr W., thank you very much for helping me with this lengthy post. I wish you good health and happiness.

This is what I demand from you to surrender your will to me.

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