This is question and my answer, please help me score this essay? I need someone who are IELTS teachers or experienced IELTS tests

Art and music classes should not be mandatory at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is a common belief that art and music should not be mandatory subjects at school. However, I firmly believe that turning these subjects into compulsory classes is more beneficial by enhancing creativity and reducing the depression of students, creating more chances for talents to perform their abilities. 

To begin with, considering art and music as compulsory subjects can pay dividends to students in enriching their thinking and making a balance in their lives. Scientific subjects usually generate numerous depressions in students’ minds, and it is necessary to let off steam this time with recreational activities such as drawing or singing after heavy lessons like maths, chemistry, or physics. Take an example, there are many Asian countries following test-oriented exams where scores in school are concentrated by parents, as well as students. Among these countries, Singapore may be distinctive in its strategies in education when intertwining entertainment subjects with scientific subjects. It seems to be a big failure compared to other countries that foster maths or physics to create more engineers. However, this strategy makes Singaporean students more balancing in their lives and facilitates comfortable psychology for these students while reaping a lot of achievements on domestic regional as well international scales.

On the other hand, mandatory art and music lessons help the country to find the talents in those departments even if fortunately, they can take triumphs and return to their countries. parents tend to concentrate on careers related to science because of their important contributions and also the stable high salary that it gives but forget that students also are likely to have in-born capacities with a recreational side such as singing or drawing. It can lead to a lack of facilities as well as chances to perform in this case for these students. By converting these subjects into compulsory subjects can create more chances for some students to reach their talents. Even more, they can compete for their countries to grasp victories and bring a lot of pride to societies. Korea's government, for example, directly motivated the young with talents from schools to become idols or dancers through many realistic programs. This is because this country has witnessed huge profits from entertainment activities and has aimed to accelerate the entertainment industry as the main resource for making money. With only some well-known singing groups like BTS or Blackpink, many international companies have poured much financial investment into this country. Then many jobs are created related to recreational activities and the average salary in this department also increases each year.

To sum up, multiple benefits can be found out in applying art and music as mandatory subjects such as creating a balanced life for students and finding talents to contribute to their countries. For these reasons, this consideration can be possibly carried out.