This is my writing task 1. I am so happy to see your feedback. thank you!

Question

My essay:The chart compares the share of Australia adults who are obese between 1980 and 2010.Overall, it is clear that there was an upward trend in the percentage of overweight males and females in Australia over the research period. In addition, the proportion of overweight males was significantly higher than that of females each year.Looking at the chart for details, nearly 46% of males who were obese, which was much higher than that of females who also were overweight in 1980 (30%). Then over the next ten years, there was a slight increase in the rate of overweight males by around 4%, while this figure for females experienced a sharp growth by exactly 10%.From 2000 to 2010, the rate of overweight males reached a peak at 70% in 2000, before declining slightly by 3% in 2010. Moving onto the percentage of overweight females, this rate was about 20% less than that of males, which was also stable over the 20 consecutive years (50%).

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The chart compares the share of Australia (Australia is the country, a noun. You need the adjective.) adults who ~~are~~ were overweight ~~obese~~ (Obesity is a more serious condition than being overweight) between 1980 and 2010. (incomplete.

1. You did not say these were bar charts.

2. You did not say that there were two bar charts put together.

3. You did not say that one chart was for men and one for women.

4. Share is not a good word for percentage or proportion.

Your first paragraph was inadequate. You missed many points. Also, you give misleading information. The time period is not continuous, but four discrete years.

In the first paragraph, describe the figure completely. Do not mention the data.

Example: This paragraph is complete. I know you used "obese" as a synonym. But "obese " is not a synonym for overweight. I made it a little awkward to use a different phrase for "overweight."

Two bar charts, one for men and one for women, give the proportion of Australians whose weight was higher than what doctors recommended as healthy. There are four specific years in each chart: 1980, 1990, 2000 and 2010. The two charts are combined to make one figure.

)

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Overall, ~~it is clear that~~ (Those words do not describe the data. Besides, it is your opinion. Do not write opinion words in Task 1. ) there was an upward trend in the percentage of overweight males and females in Australia over the ~~research~~ (Do not invent things. There is nothing in the description that tells you it was a research study. Just describe the data, precisely as it is on the chart. If it is not there, do not write it. ) period. In addition, the proportion of overweight males was significantly higher than that of females in each of the four years.

~~Looking at the chart for details,~~ (The reader knows you are looking at this chart, so these words are completely useless. They give no information about the data.) In 1980 (begin with the year, it introduces the time point for the data value.) nearly 46% of males ~~who~~ (You do not want to write a relative clause! You want a sentence.) were obese, which was much higher (If you want a better score, don't just say "much higher", give a mathematical expression: one and a half times higher. 46/30 = 1.5 ) than that of females ~~who also were overweight in 1980~~ (The reader already knows this. Do not repeat it.) (30%). Then over the next ten years, there was a slight increase in the percentage ~~rate~~ of overweight (If you read my advice, you will know why "rate" is completely wrong here.) males by around 4%, while ~~this figure for~~ the percentage for females went up ~~experienced~~ (Numbers do not have experiences.) ~~a sharp growth~~ by exactly 10%. It is one-third more in 1990 than it was in 1980.

~~From~~ In 2000 ~~to 2010,~~ the rate (wrong word) of overweight males reached its maximum ~~a peak~~ (If you read my advice, you will know why "peak" is not a good word choice.) at 70% ~~in 2000~~, before declining slightly by 3% in 2010. ~~Moving onto the percentage of overweight females,~~ (Do not describe how your eyes move or where you look. Just describe the data.) its value ~~this rate~~ (wrong word) was about 20% less than that of males, which ~~was also stable~~ had the same value in both years. ~~over the 20 consecutive years~~ (50%). (That is misleading. "over 20 consecutive years would mean that you had data values for every year, and every year it was 50% - 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.... 2018, 2019 and 2020. Do you see all of those years on the chart?)

This is my writing task 1. I am so happy to see your feedback. thank you!

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions