This is my Ielts writing task 2. Could you please review it? Thank you so much.

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits.

In modern societies, there are dissimilar opinions about the relationship between fairness and personal success. Individual achievement is thought to be better realized in an egalitarian society, but others believe that individual achievement is based on personal merits. In my point of view, I totally agree that a more equal society will enable people to achieve greater success.

On the one hand, in egalitarian societies, everyone will have equal access to education, which is one of the most important factors in determining one's level of success. Today's compulsory education ensures that everyone, rich or poor, has the opportunity to attend class, allowing individuals to achieve greater success. While children and young adults from wealthy families may benefit from better preparation and conditions during their schooling years, other poor people may benefit from free study programs and affordable higher education. This guarantees that everyone has the same chances of succeeding.

People will be more motivated to work hard and try their hardest if they believe they are living in an equal society. Instead of worrying about discrimination at work, they will focus on completing their tasks to perfection. Employees who are almost normal, for example, are frequently afraid of competing with people whose family members already hold a high position in society because this makes it easier for them to get promoted. It can be seen that if equality is always present in various aspects of life, people will strive to achieve their targets, and their abilities will be fairly recognized as a result.

In conclusion, when all factors are considered, people in egalitarian societies can achieve more. From my perspective, this has numerous advantages for our communities.