THIS IS MY IELTS WRITING TASK 1. COULD YOU PLEASE REVIEW IT? THANKS A LOT!

Question

The graph below shows the average number of UK commuters travelling each day by car, bus or train between 1970 and 2030. The line graph compares the daily workers in the UK using three forms of transport car, bus, and train every day over a period of 60 years. Overall, the number of car users is the highest throughout the period shown. While the amounts of people who use cars and trains grew steadily, the number of bus users dropped gradually. In detail, there were 11 million people who regularly travel by car, bus and train in 1970; half of that was from car users and one-fifth from bus users. Over the following 30 years, workers travelling by car and train increased by around 2 million and 1 million respectively, before remained unchanged between 2000 and 2010. By contrast, commuters travelling by bus had gone down from around 4 to 3,5 million. In the next 30-year, cars had a peak at approximately 9 million, followed by trains that grew by more than 60% from 3 to 5 million. However, buses declined significantly by a third, from 3,5 to 3 million.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph compares the daily workers (wrong phrase. A "day laborer" is someone who is paid by the day. Often they are manual workers who dig a ditch for one day, and have to find a different job the next day. These workers are not being compared. What is on this graph?) in the UK using three forms of transport car, bus, and train every day over a period of 60 years. (What years? 1900-1960? 1940-2000? You failed to mention that some of this data is in the past, and some is in the future.)

Overall, the number who go by car ~~car users~~ is the highest throughout the period shown. While the amounts (Wrong word. Amount is for non-count items like money, food, water and information.) of people who use cars and trains grew (You cannot use a past-tense verb for things that happen in the future.) steadily, the number of bus riders ~~users~~ dropped gradually.

In detail, there were 11 million people who commuted daily ~~regularly travel~~ by car, bus and train in 1970; half of that was for drivers or passengers in a car ~~from car users~~ and one-fifth for those who rode a bus. ~~from bus~~ ~~users~~. Over the following 30 years, ~~workers~~ the ones / those travelling by car and train increased by around 2 million and 1 million respectively, ~~before~~ and their numbers remained unchanged between 2000 and 2010. By contrast, commuters travelling by bus had gone down from around 4 to 3,5 million. (You do not need a new paragraph. The topic has not changed.)

In the next 30-year, (wrong expression. Also, what period are you writing about? 2010 was the last time referenced, so is this period 2010 to 2040? But the graph ends at 2030. How can that be?) cars had (You cannot use a past-tense verb for anything that happens in the future.) a peak (Incorrect. There is no peak anywhere in this graph.) at approximately 9 million, followed by train ridership that grew by more than 60% from 3 to 5 million. (wrong math. 60% of 3 is 1.8. and (3+ 1.8) is 4.8, not 5) However, bus ridership declined (wrong tense) significantly by a third, from 3,5 to 3 million. (wrong math. one-third of 3.5 is 1.2. and 3.5-1.2 is 2.3, not 3).

THIS IS MY IELTS WRITING TASK 1. COULD YOU PLEASE REVIEW IT? THANKS A LOT!

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