This is my essay. Please help me review it.

Question

Large companies use sports events to promote their products. Some people think this has a negative impact on sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The phenomenon of conglomerates introducing their merchandise through sports events is gaining popularity. A segment of society totally believes that sponsorships in sports may bring detriments to our lives. In my point of view, despite its inevitable drawback causing people to have a sedentary lifestyle and annoyance, funds accumulated from sports advertisements would be beneficial in some cases.

Some support the idea that corporate sponsorship makes detrimental effects on our health. First and foremost, undoubtedly, for athletes and famous player, they might have to endorse their promoters by using those products in front of cameras, which would mitigate their physical conditions. More importantly, what is worse than their huge of fans have proclivity to imitate using unhealthy items. For instance, Coca-Cola or Heineken is one of the official sponsors of many championships. Spectators are usually encouraged to buy some kinds of their products while watching the match. However, these recklessly unhealthy products which contain twice as many recommended calories as the average intake might accumulate in our body because people can process all of them in short term, thereby increasing the risk of serious diseases such as obesity and diabetes.

On the other hand, using sports events to promote the company’s products is also a win-win situation for businesses, viewers, and sportsmen. Major firms can ensure their financial flexibility by meeting sales targets. They have more chances to reach their numerous potential customers and boost their sales. Additionally, both team owners and players reap the benefits from enormous sponsorships by spending funds maintaining professional facilities and affording the salaries of the best players. Sportsmen have the chance to involve in advertisement projects, leading to an improved financial background. Moreover, people watch international matches free of charge thanks to the support of advertising sports.

In conclusion, the involvement of commercial activities in sports events brings a variety of advantages to our lives. However, this method should be taken into consideration due to its potential drawbacks.

Thank you a lot

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The phenomenon (wrong usage) of conglomerates (not a good synonym) introducing (not a good synonym. Coca Cola advertises a lot, but their product is 50 year old!) their merchandise (not a good synonym) through sports events is gaining popularity. A segment of society totally believes that sponsorships in sports may bring detriments (wrong usage) to our lives. In my point of view, despite its inevitable drawback causing people to have a sedentary lifestyle and being annoyed ~~annoyance~~, funds ~~accumulated~~ (not a good word choice) from sports advertisements (wrong usage) are ~~would be~~ beneficial in some cases.

You are trying to do "paraphrasing the task" by using synonyms and substituting words, right? Well, it's not a good idea. It results in something quite unnatural, even ridiculous.

There is nothing about "paraphrasing" in the scoring guidelines for either Task 1 or Task 2.
You are not scored at all on paraphrasing skills.

You just need to convince the examiner that you have comprehended the task. The band score represents how well you have understood the task and responded to it.

Some teachers use the word "paraphrase" to represent the concepts or ideas of "lexical resource".

Lexical resource is one of the four scoring categories. Each band has a list of criteria which the writer must demonstrate to get that score.

For example:

Band score 8 for "lexical resource" has the following three criteria:

• uses a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to convey precise meanings
• skillfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation
• produces rare errors in spelling and/or word formation

Band score 7:

• uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
• uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
• may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

Band score 6:

• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
• attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
• makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

Band score 5:

• uses a limited range of vocabulary, but this is minimally adequate for the task
• may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader

If you simply copy the words in the task instructions, that is not demonstrating any "range of vocabulary". That is why some teachers give the advice "paraphrase the task." But forcing a paraphrase can lead to very low scores, because just substituting dictionary words will give one some very strange quirky sentences.
It is best for you to use vocabulary words that you know very very well.

For example, "phenomenon" is most commonly used for something that occurs in nature that has no scientific explanation. It is also used for things people do that seem very strange, outlandish or remarkably extraordinary and are inexplicable at the time.

Corporate advertisement is certainly not in that situation. We all know what they do and why they do it.

This is my essay. Please help me review it.

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