This is my essay, please help me review it.

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Task 2: Some people think the qualities a person needs to become successful in today's world cannot be learned at a university or similar academic institution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?The world's economy is turning into a knowledgeable economy. That is the reason why education role is expressly important in our lives. I am in complete disagreement that colleges and academic organisations cannot bring to people's success.To start with, it is undeniable that without having a degree many people can still reach achievement in their lives. For example, Bill Gates, who had dropped out of Harvard University, established Microsoft corporation, which one of the biggest ones in the world. So the success of a person not only relies on the study to increase the knowledge they have but it also needs a variety of factors like hard-working, responsibility, management skills. Other skills that are essential for them need to be practically experienced rather than just listen to tutors at college. For that, the university is just only a path, and people can choose others if they find it appropriate for them to pursue. However, these are the scarcity in our lives, and the real font of success is still education. To achieve a goal, a person has to spend a lot of their time studying and experiencing. As a result, they will become well-informed, improve their life skills. A college will be useful for us to learn more about an area you interested in or which is relevant to your career. At school, we can also have a wide range of exciting experiences with friends or teachers. Many extracurricular activities are held each year like camping, visiting a museum or growing plants, it depends on each school. Furthermore, getting trouble is unavoidable for all of us, so the help of colleagues and tutors is essential. They can give some useful advice and promote you to become excellent. Also, you can have a chance to work with other preeminent people and learn more from them.To conclude, I completely disagree with the position that it is not conducive to a person's success to study at a university or any academic systems. The school plays a vital role in helping individuals make inroads to broaden their horizons as well as self-develop essential skills wholly.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

[ 1] The world's economy is turning into a knowledgeable economy. [ 2] That is the reason why education role is particularly important in our lives. [ 3] I am in complete disagreement that colleges and academic organisations cannot bring to people's success. [ 4]

To start with, it is [ 5] undeniable that without having a degree many people can s

To start with, it is [ 5] undeniable that without having a degree many people can still reach achievement in their lives. [ 6] For example, Bill Gates, who had dropped out of Harvard University, established Microsoft companies, which one of the biggest corporations in the world. So the success of a person not only relies on the study to increase the knowledge but it also needs a variety of factors such as hard-working, responsibility, management skills. Other skills that are essential for them need to be practically experienced rather than just listen to classes at school. For that, the university is just only a path, and people can choose others if they find it appropriate for them to pursue.

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[ 1]: The sentence is faraway from the main topic here. The first sentence of the introduction should present the main topic to the reader. For example:

Success in life is important to every individual person.

[ 2]: Do not give reasons or specific results in the introduction. That kills the essay! That kind of information belongs in the conclusion.

Instead, you should give some background after the first sentence. For example:

The world is becoming more competitive, and the standard of living is rising in most countries, along with the associated cost of living. This puts even more pressure on people to be successful.

[ 3]: After the background, you present the issue/problem to the reader. For example:

However, some are of the opinion that in order to be successful in life, an individual does not need to have a tertiary education.

[ 4]: At the end of the introduction, you state your position (if required to do so). For example:

I firmly disagree with that assertion.

[ 5]: “Undeniable” is too strong, especially that this paragraph does not reflect your position. We can use, for example, “possible” instead.

[ 6]: Before you give an example, try to elaborate on (explain/say more about) the idea. In that paragraph, you might move some of the sentences around to achieve that.

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Fix the introduction and the first body paragraph and post them below. We can deal with the second body paragraph and the conclusion later.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

niheoheoThe world's economy is turning into a knowledgeable economy.

That is off topic and you have incorrectly used the word "knowledgeable." A person is knowledgeable about a topic if they are an expert. Economies cannot be knowledgeable. They do not learn things.

niheoheoThat is the reason why education role is expressly important in our lives.

"Education role" is not a good phrase. You need "the role that education plays..."

niheoheo I am in complete disagreement that colleges and academic organisations cannot bring to people's success.

That makes no sense. The verb "bring" requires an object.

Every new healthy baby brings joy to the family.

You did not read the topic carefully enough to understand it.

This is my essay, please help me review it.

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