This is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. Help me revise it. Thank you

Question

The prompt is attached in this link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Bj8-tmUhWGhYjHL-w38o5O8-CKwQk_FD/view?usp=sharing

The following graphs describe people’s reasons for using two different modes of transportation: bicycle and car.

It is clear that people had various explanations for picking their means of transportation to work. Noticeably, most people travelled by bicycle due to their health, whereas another proportion of participants in the survey picked driving for convenience.

The proportion of people choosing cycling for its health benefits and clean environment was 30% equally for each. Also, half of this amount agreed that cycling resulted in little to no issues related to parking, whereas less than 2 to 3 percent believed that “no costs” or “faster than driving” accounted for their choice.

Compared to the first chart, it seems apparent that a considerable number of surveyed drivers (40%) were more certain of the great comfort from driving than its benefits for their well-being or the environment. There was nearly half of this amount confirmed their choice due to long driving distance, as opposed to 11% of drivers relying on the safety from driving. In the meantime, both the “faster than cycling” and “need to carry things to work” sector shared a similar percentage of nearly 15%.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The ~~following~~ graphs (there are no graphs in this exercise. Use the correct name of the figures, and tell the reader how many there are.) describe people’s reasons (How many reasons are there? What are they?) for using two different modes of transportation: bicycle and car. (You did not mention that this was to go to work, not just leisure or exercise. Your first paragraph is not very adequate.

Suggestion:

The two pie charts give reasons for commuters' choice of their selected means of transportation to work, bicycles and cars, respectively. There are five categories of reasons on each chart, ranging from convenience and safety to health and fitness.

~~It is clear that~~ People had various explanations for picking their means of transportation to work. (This is repetitive. You already wrote this in the first paragraph.) Noticeably, most (Most is more than 50%, This is not true. Less than one third picked health benefits as their reason.) people travelled by bicycle due to the health benefits ~~their health~~, whereas ~~another~~ the largest proportion of ~~participants in the survey~~ (The instructions do not mention any survey.) those who drove ~~picked~~ cited comfort. ~~driving for convenience~~.

The proportion of people choosing cycling for its health benefits and less pollution ~~clean environment~~ was 30% equally for each. Also, fifteen percent cycled to avoid the parking problems associated with a car, ~~half of this amount~~ ~~agreed that cycling resulted in little to no issues related to parking~~, whereas less than 2 to 3 percent (incorrect. Please study the diagram carefully.) believed that “no costs” or “faster than driving” accounted for their choice.

Compared to the first chart, it seems apparent that a considerable number of surveyed drivers (40%) were more certain of the great comfort from driving than its benefits for their well-being or the environment. (Incorrect. There is no evidence that this is the case. Do not try to infer motives, or conclusions. Just describe the information.) There was nearly half of this amount confirmed their choice due to long driving distance, as opposed to 11% of drivers relying on the safety from driving. In the meantime, both the “faster than cycling” and “need to carry things to work” ~~sector shared~~ categories had a similar percentage of nearly 15%. (Be accurate. The pie chart says exactly 14%, not "nearly 15%".)

This is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. Help me revise it. Thank you

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