These Expressions Annoy Me. Why?

Question

"My heart goes out..." "My thoughts and prayers are with them"

Why do these little phrases annoy me? I don't know. When I hear or read them, they irritate me, but I'm at a loss to understand why. I'm as disturbed by my being disturbed by them as I am irritated by these annoying expressions themselves.

Usenet · Accepted Answer

[nq:1]"My heart goes out..." "My thoughts and prayers are with them" Why do these little phrases annoy me? I don't know. When I hear or read them, they irritate me, but I'm at a loss to understand why. I'm as disturbed by my being disturbed by them as I am irritated by these annoying expressions themselves.[/nq]
For the same reason I hate gladioli - they are funeral flowers, and to see them growing in the nursery, happy in the sun, not knowing they mean death, just ticks me off.
Meanwhile, I have a cousin who just lost his wife, and I'm gonna call him and use the above trite phrases. Now is not the time to be creative.
It's like going to the doctor. You want to hear: "Your tests came back, and you're fine." No embellishments. And in times of grief, platitudes are all we have to unite the universal feeling of grief. It's also like, you're at a silly happy party for a good occassion - the wandering soul is welcomed home to much fanfare - and the stupid jokes are flowing and everyone is laughing, even though we've all heard them before.
Would we call this situational reaction? The same people could say the same idiotic things in a regular day, and we'd be all "Sheesh." But in a time of high emotion, platitudes really hit home.

Yes, I have thought about this too much.

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]snip Meanwhile, I have a cousin who just lost his wife, and I'm gonna call him and use the above trite phrases. Now is not the time to be creative. snip[/nq]
Losing a loved one is devastating. I really didn't like hearing those expressions when my father passed away, much as I recognized the good intentions of the people saying it to me. For me, these somehow dilute the tragedy. They're robotic terms, innately insincere sounding, and have a mass-produced Hallmark mood, even full of religious assumption as well. I prefer a simple heartfelt, "My condolences." Not creative, but not trite.

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]"My heart goes out..." "My thoughts and prayers are with ... me, but I'm at a loss to understand why. [/nq]
[nq:1]For the same reason I hate gladioli - they are funeral flowers, and to see them growing in the nursery, ... "Sheesh." But in a time of high emotion, platitudes really hit home. Yes, I have thought about this too much.[/nq]
Have you noticed the phrase they use all the time in Law and Order?

"We're sorry for your loss."
I wouldn't mind betting that is the actual phrase New York cops are trained to use.
And I wouldn't mind betting it becomes rote in no time at all. Pretty much the way it has in L&O.

Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy.
? F. Scott Fitzgerald

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]snip Meanwhile, I have a cousin who just lost his ... phrases. Now is not the time to be creative. snip[/nq]
[nq:1]Losing a loved one is devastating. I really didn't like hearing those expressions when my father passed away, much as ... mood, even full of religious assumption as well. I prefer a simple heartfelt, "My condolences." Not creative, but not trite.[/nq]
Sorry, but the one that gets me is "passed away" (see above).

When I die I'll come back if anyone says that or worse still, just "passed."
Maybe it makes it easier for some people to hear "passed away" but to me it's a euphemism.

Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy.
? F. Scott Fitzgerald

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]Losing a loved one is devastating. I really didn't like ... a simple heartfelt, "My condolences." Not creative, but not trite.[/nq]
[nq:1]Sorry, but the one that gets me is "passed away" (see above). When I die I'll come back if anyone ... just "passed." Maybe it makes it easier for some people to hear "passed away" but to me it's a euphemism.[/nq]
The one that gets me is in a restaurant when they ask if you're "still working on that", which is a pretty yeoman-like description for enjoying some food. But weirdly, I had a waiter ask me last night if he could clear the plates off the table and I heard myself reply, before I could stop myself, that I was still working on it.
A phrase gets into the language and it's hard to get it out.

Alan Brooks

A with an Underwood
We have met the enemy
and they is us.
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Usenet · Answer

"wesc"
[nq:1]Losing a loved one is devastating. I really didn't like hearing those expressions when my father passed away, much as ... the people saying it to me. For me, these somehow dilute the tragedy. They're robotic terms, innately insincere sounding, and[/nq]
When my father died I was among people I'd known only a couple of months, in Namibia.
I can still remember them: they gave me a simple handshake, and said, "Sorry to hear it," or "Tough." No flowery speeches or anything. My family and old friends who phoned and said all the conventional stuff, I cannot remember at all.
Recently my cousin passed away after a long illness (Lou Gehrig's disease). I was so scared of saying something heartless or inappropriate (something I'm prone to do), I wrote a few phrases down, then phoned her family to express my condolences. I'm sure I sounded totally false and insincere.

Martin B

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]"My heart goes out..." "My thoughts and prayers are with them" Why do these little phrases annoy me? I don't ... understand why. I'm as disturbed by my being disturbed by them as I am irritated by these annoying expressions themselves.[/nq]
I think it depends on who is saying it and how sincere they are when saying it. There can be a world of difference between using the "right words" and meaning the right thing no matter what words you use.

RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]"My heart goes out..." "My thoughts and prayers are with them" Why do these little phrases annoy me? I don't ... understand why. ï¿½I'm as disturbed by my being disturbed by them as I am irritated by these annoying expressions themselves.[/nq]
It's too bad when people are annoyed with those who are sincerely trying to show them sympathy. However, maybe those folks aren't really angry about the cliched phrases; maybe they're really angry about their loss and are just taking it out on some innocent person trying to show them sympathy. That's understandable.
In American culture, we're not really taught how to deal with grief. Other cultures are allowed to publicly wail in agony, and go through a prolonged period of demonstrative mourning. Americans take a valium, crack a joke and take a swan dive into self-destructive behavior.

We don't have a realistic view of death. It's interesting that we'll tolerate death and destruction all day long in movies, in books, on the evening news and in countless CSI, L&O and ER shows but we can't deal with real-life death at all.
We seem to think death is something strange and rare that only happens to bad people. Or to foreigners in unpronounceable countries with weird diseases. We act as if we're supposed to be above death. Like it shouldn't happen to fine, upstanding U.S. citizens.

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]We don't have a realistic view of death. It's interesting that we'll tolerate death and destruction all day long ... diseases. We act as if we're supposed to be above death. Like it shouldn't happen to fine, upstanding U.S. citizens.[/nq]
No one wants to think about death, that's why they try to keep it "distant." But sometimes it is ridiculous what we do about it. In high schools now (at least in some of them) they have "grief counselors" to talk to the kids when a student gets killed. Available for all the students, not just close friends. I'm talking about high schools of 2,000 students were most probably couldn't pick the kid out of a line up and yet there's this group grief counseling. Almost like the kids are pressured into feeling grief.

RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]It's too bad when people are annoyed with those who are sincerely trying to show them sympathy. snip[/nq]
I've appreciated the intentions of people offering me those rote platitudes, and on that basis appreciate them. I always value kindness, even if I'm not necessarily overly impressed with people's choice of words. Maybe what annoys me about those terms is the image of George Bush saying those exact same phrases about the American soldiers he sent to their death in that unnecessary military adventure in Iraq. Those platitudes have always sounded rote and hollow to me. Even before suffering a personal loss, myself. When I think about it, the condolences stated according to how people actually knew the deceased person were much nicer to hear than "My thoughts and prayers are with you" and "My heart goes out to you," though I appreciate kindness and good intentions even if accompanied by rote and hollow platitudes.

These Expressions Annoy Me. Why?

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