The graph below shows the average number of Vietnamese students studying in France, Russia and America between 2000 and 2005.

Question

Give me some advice and help me correct my mistake! Many thanks!

The line graph demonstrates how many Vietnamese students study in France, Russia and America on average from 2000 to 2005.

It is clear that the average number of Vietnamese students studying in France and America experienced an upward trend, the opposite was true for Russia. Furthermore, the figure for the US increased the most significantly in comparison with 2 remaining countries.

In 2000, there was an average of about 1,5 millions Vietnamese students studying in America in comparison with 3 millions in Russia and about 3,5 millions in France. Over the next 5 years, the number of students studying in France and Russia dropped by 1 millions whereas the figure for America rose to 2 millions.

From 2005 to 2015, the number of students studying in the US increased substantially to 5 millions at the end of the period. The figure for France remained relatively stable around 2,5 millions, before rising considerably to over 4 millions in 2015. The number of people who studied in Russian hit the lowest point of nearly 2 millions in 2010 but later it went up steadily to about 2,5 millions at the end of the period.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

Can you show us the graph?

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Minhphuong · Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:
Topic: Copy the instructions here accurately and correctly. Attach your image.

The graph below shows the average number of Vietnamese students studying in France, Russia and America between 2000 and 2005.

WHat are the rest of the instructions?

My essay:

(Your text here...)
---------------------

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays. You make the usual mistakes.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You do not use the units correctly. Units are singular.

One million (students)
Three and a half million students.
Six million students.

Otherwise, it is a well-written essay. There are some vocabulary mistakes.

The line graph demonstrates (Not a good verb. Read my advice for verbs to use with line graphs.) how many Vietnamese students study (wrong verb form) in France, Russia and America on average from 2000 to 2005. (The last year of the period is wrong. Also, the values are not the average of all those years, which would be one number for each country.)

The line graph compares how many Vietnamese students studied in France, Russia and America from 2000 to 2015. The values are five-year averages.

~~It is clear that~~ (Read my advice about these unnecessary opinion clauses.) the average number of Vietnamese students studying in France and America experienced (Numbers do not have experiences. Only people have experiences. Read my advice on the misuse of this verb.) an upward trend, the opposite was true for Russia. Furthermore, the ~~figure~~ (wrong word) for those in the US increased the most significantly in comparison with ~~2 remaining~~ (Do not write digits for small numbers that are not data values. Use the written form. Missing article.) other two countries.

In 2000, there was an average of about 1,5 millions Vietnamese students studying in America in comparison with 3 millions in Russia and about 3,5 millions in France. Over the next 5 years, the number of students studying in France and Russia dropped by 1 millions whereas the figure for America rose to 2 millions.

From 2005 to 2015, the number of students studying in the US increased substantially to 5 millions at the end of the period. The figure for France remained relatively stable around 2,5 millions, before rising considerably to over 4 millions in 2015. The number of people who studied in Russian hit the lowest point of nearly 2 millions in 2010 but later it went up steadily to about 2,5 millions at the end of the period.

Example essay:

The line graph compares the number of Vietnamese who were enrolled as students in France, Russia and America during the fifteen-year period starting in 2000. Data points are averaged over every five-year span.

Overall, there were many more Vietnamese in school in these countries in 2015 than in 2000, as the total had risen from 8 to 12 million. Those enrolled in American schools accounted for most of that increase, with France contributing moderately. The numbers in Russia, in contrast, decreased.

In 2000, France had the largest number, 3.5 million, followed by Russia at 3 million. Enrollments in the US were half that of Russia, 1.5 million. During the next five years, the numbers in France and Russia declined, France by a full million and a little less than that in Russia. Meanwhile it rose in the US by about a half million. Consequently, the total in 2005 was actually less than in 2000, between 6.5 and 7 million. The situation reversed in 2010 when the US had the most students, 3 million, followed by France at 2.5 and Russia, about 1.8 million. That represented the smallest number of students in any of the countries during the entire period. At the last point on the graph, 2015, the US was clearly in the lead, with 5 million, more than triple the number that were attending schools there in 2000. France came in a relatively close second at 4.5 million and Russia third, half the number as the US.

The graph below shows the average number of Vietnamese students studying in France, Russia and America between 2000 and 2005.

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