The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care department in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 to December 2017

Question

Is this writing style favourable in IELTS? Can you please evaluate?

Thanks

The following illustration describes the attendance (per 1000 – population) at hospital emergency department in Northern Ireland of different age groups from December 2016 to December 2017. The chart confirms that there is an increase in the attendance across all the age groups from December 2016 to December 2017.

Clearly, it can be deduced that majority of such attendees belongs to elderly group followed by infants and children who contributes most of the critical cases. This could be because; such age groups are highly prone to their surrounding environment and comprise much lesser immunity when compared with other age groups.

It can also be concluded that children and teenagers aged between 5 and 15, are the fittest with as low attendance as 21-23 per 1000 population followed by the adults aging from 45 to 64. But otherwise, it is also to note that the Y-generation (millennials) is susceptible to the surroundings with as many cases as senior citizens (aging between 65 and 74).

Words – 162

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:
Topic: The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care department in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 to December 2017 Please give the complete instructions.

My essay:

(Your text here...)
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AlpheccaStars · Answer

You need to follow the instructions for Task 1. Describe the data only. Do not draw conclusions. Do not give opinions.

The following illustration (That is not a precise description. What kind of figure is it?) describes (not a good word choice) the attendance (per 1000 – population) at hospital emergency department (wrong form) in Northern Ireland of people in different age groups from December 2016 to December 2017. (Wrong description. The data is not continuous throughout the year.) The chart confirms that (That is a conclusion. Do not draw conclusions or give any opinions in Task 1. Just describe the information. Also, do not write about the data in the first paragraph. Put that in the second paragraph.) there is an increase in the attendance across all the age groups from December 2016 to December 2017.

Clearly, it can be deduced that (That is a conclusion. ) majority of such attendees belongs to elderly group followed by infants and children who contributes most of the critical cases. This could be because; such age groups are highly prone to their surrounding environment (That is a conclusion. ) and comprise much lesser immunity when compared with other age groups.

It can also be concluded (That is a conclusion. ) that children and teenagers aged between 5 and 15, are the fittest with as low attendance as 21-23 per 1000 population followed by the adults aging from 45 to 64. But otherwise, it is also to note that the Y-generation (millennials) is susceptible to the surroundings with as many cases as senior citizens (aging between 65 and 74).

The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care department in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 to December 2017

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