Test read my letter of motivation

Question

Dear EnglishForward visitors,I have made my first draft for my letter of motivation with the help of this forum but I think there is much room for improvement. I was wondering if you can test read and give me advise on how to improve my letter. I will be very grateful!Dear Sir or Madam,I am applying to your undergraduate program of International Economics and Policy starting in August 2014. My ambition is to become a successful entrepreneur with a focus on social responsibility.During high school I have always been interested in economics and when choosing the second phase of high school I chose the route of economics and society with extra management + organization as a subject. A lot of students had troubles with the subjects economics and Management + Organization which have always been my strengths so I tutored a few of them. Right after high school I have developed an exceptional interest in entrepreneurship. After high school I started out at a Dutch undergraduate study roughly translated 'commercial economics' but unlike they told me they were not focused on entrepreneurship and it was mainly theory only. After that conclusion I decided to attend some seminars from international entrepreneurial people such as J.T. Foxx, Robert Kiyosaki and several others. I have learned a lot from that and I have gained a great international spirit as I met people from all over the world. This is also where I learned that an international is important because you can learn so much from different kind of people. I have started my own business together with a study mate supplying a new product and I have so much more great idea's that are inventive and great for new businesses but I lack the correct knowledge to create a successful business.When I heard of Jönköping International Business School from a former German student who I met at a seminar I was instantly sold. He told me that he learned so much about economics, marketing, entrepreneurship and businesses and he got me excited with that. We have spoken during all the breaks and I learned that Jönköping University is a great environment to learn and study. As soon as I was home from the seminar I visited the website of Jönköping University which got me so excited, JIBS offers an international study with a focus on entrepreneurship with real practical experience and no other university offers this like JIBS and this is exactly what I was looking for. I have been looking for this opportunity in The Netherlands but it is just not offered and I am glad that I JIBS does offer it. I did not know anyone who has experience in studying abroad myself so I let myself be introduced to 3 people who did have experience by some people from my network. I spoke to them about my idea to study International Economics and Policy at Jönköping University and asked them about their experiences and they were very positive.I think I will be a great addition to the program because of my motivation to succeed, my entrepreneurial and international spirit and my ambitions. Before the program starts I will practice my mathematics, I have found a tutor who is willing to learn me everything I need prior to the program. My friends and family are all very supportive in my choice, and I am grateful for that. I hope my letter of motivation convinces you to accept me into the program and I hope to hear from you soon.Yours sincerely,

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Here are a few corrections on the first part of your letter:

During high school I was always ~~been~~ interested in economics and when choosing the second phase of high school I chose the route of economics and society with extra management + organization as a subject. (There is a lot of repetition - choose, economics)

Right after high school I ~~have~~ developed an exceptional interest in entrepreneurship. ~~After high school~~ I started out in a Dutch undergraduate program ~~study~~ roughly translated as 'commercial economics' but ~~unlike~~ they (? who is "they"?)told me they were not focused on entrepreneurship and it was mainly theory only.

This is also where I learned that an international (missing word) is important because you can learn so much from different kinds of people.

I have started my own business together with a ~~study~~ classmate supplying a new product and I have so many ~~much~~ more great ideas ~~idea's~~ that are inventive and great for new businesses but I lack the correct knowledge to create a successful business. (This sentence is way too long.)

Anonymous · Answer

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate that.

I have edited the main post to the second draft. The missing word I put in focus there and I cut the sentence in half and made 2 sentences of it. Is that okay?

I have kept unlike, because my old school said that they focused on entrepreneurship but they did not.

Second draft

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your undergraduate program of International Economics and Policy starting in August 2014. My ambition is to become a successful entrepreneur with a focus on social responsibility.

During high school I was always interested in economics and when choosing the second phase of high school I chose the route of 'economics and society' with extra 'management + organization' as a subject. A lot of students had troubles with the subjects economics and Management + Organization which have always been my strengths so I tutored a few of them. Right after high school I developed an exceptional interest in entrepreneurship. I started out in a Dutch undergraduate program roughly translated as 'commercial economics' but unlike the school told me they were not focused on entrepreneurship and it was mainly theory only. After that conclusion I decided to attend some seminars from international entrepreneurial people such as J.T. Foxx, Robert Kiyosaki and several others. I have learned a lot from that and I have gained a great international spirit as I met people from all over the world. This is also where I learned that an international focus is important because you can learn so much from different kinds of people. I have started my own business together with a classmate supplying a new product. I have so many more great ideas that are inventive and great for new businesses but I lack the correct knowledge to create a successful business.

When I heard of Jönköping International Business School from a former German student who I met at a seminar I was instantly sold. He told me that he learned so much about economics, marketing, entrepreneurship and businesses and he got me excited with that. We have spoken during all the breaks and I learned that Jönköping University is a great environment to learn and study. As soon as I was home from the seminar I visited the website of Jönköping University which got me so excited, JIBS offers an international study with a focus on entrepreneurship with real practical experience and no other university offers this like JIBS and this is exactly what I was looking for. I have been looking for this opportunity in The Netherlands but it is just not offered and I am glad that I JIBS does offer it. I did not know anyone who has experience in studying abroad myself so I let myself be introduced to 3 people who did have experience by some people from my network. I spoke to them about my idea to study International Economics and Policy at Jönköping University and asked them about their experiences and they were very positive.

I think I will be a great addition to the program because of my motivation to succeed, my entrepreneurial and international spirit and my ambitions. Before the program starts I will practice my mathematics, I have found a tutor who is willing to learn me everything I need prior to the program. My friends and family are all very supportive in my choice, and I am grateful for that. I hope my letter of motivation convinces you to accept me into the program and I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours sincerely,

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Unlike is ungrammatical in your sentence. Here is a suggestion:

Right after high school I developed an exceptional interest in entrepreneurship. I started out in a Dutch undergraduate program roughly translated as 'commercial economics' but the name of the program was deceptive. I discovered that the program was not focused on entrepreneurship; it was mainly theory.

And another:
I did not know anyone who had experience in studying abroad myself, so I asked some people in my network if they knew anyone. My inquiries resulted in three references. I spoke to them about my idea to study International Economics and Policy at Jönköping University and asked them about their experiences and they were very positive.

Anonymous · Answer

What you mean?

Anonymous · Answer

Thank you so much Alphecca, I have learned from you and that is always great. In the past couple days I have come to my 8th version which is below. Would you (or someone else) be able to advise me once more to improve this letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your u

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your undergraduate program of International Economics and Policy starting in August 2014. My ambition is to become a successful entrepreneur with a focus on social responsibility.

During high school I was always interested in economics and when choosing the second phase of high school I chose the route of 'Economics and Society' with extra 'Management + Organization' as a subject. A lot of students had troubles with the subjects Economics and 'Management + Organization' which have always been my strengths so I tutored a few of them. Right after high school I developed an exceptional interest in entrepreneurship. I started out in a Dutch undergraduate program roughly translated as 'commercial economics' but the program was not focused on entrepreneurship and real life practice like I expected it to be. After that conclusion I decided to attend some seminars from international entrepreneurial people such as J.T. Foxx, Robert Kiyosaki and several others. I have learned a lot from that and I have gained a great international spirit as I met people from all over the world. This is also where I learned that an international focus is important because you can learn so much from different kinds of people. I have started my own business together with a classmate supplying a new founded innovative product; the healthy energy mint a substitute for the popular energy drink. I have had several more great ideas that are inventive and great for new businesses but I lack a lot of knowledge to create a successful new business out of those ideas.

When I heard of Jönköping International Business School from a former German student who I met at a seminar I was instantly convinced that I had to attend your program. He told me that he learned a lot about Economics, Marketing, entrepreneurship and businesses and he got me excited with that. We have spoken during all the breaks and I learned that Jönköping University is a great environment to learn and study in. As soon as I was home from the seminar I visited the website of Jönköping University which got me really excited as well, JIBS offers an international study with a focus on entrepreneurship with real practical experience and no other university offers this like JIBS and that is exactly what I was looking for. I have been looking for this opportunity in The Netherlands but it is not offered and I am glad that JIBS does. I did not know anyone who had experience in studying abroad myself so I asked some people in my network if they knew anyone. My inquiries resulted in three references. I spoke to them about my idea to study International Economics and Policy at Jönköping University and asked them about their experiences and they were very positive. These conversations made my interest in JIBS stronger and convinced me that I can not miss out on the opportunity to attend the program.

I think I will be a great addition to the program because of my motivation to succeed, my entrepreneurial and international spirit and my ambitions. During my study I have also gained basic knowledge about statistics, marketing, market research, SPSS, creating a business plan, business administration and several more skills that I enjoyed and will come in handy during the program. My friends and family are all very supportive of my choice, and I am grateful for that. I hope my letter of motivation will convince you to accept me into the program and I hope to hear from you soon.

Anonymous · Answer

Latest version. (I can't edit my prior posts, so sorry!)

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your undergraduate program of International Economics and Policy starting in August 2014. My ambition is to become a successful entrepreneur with a focus on social responsibility.

I am a student that seeks to learn as much as possible and bring that into practice. I am enthusiastic and like to socialize with people to find out more about them and to learn about others. I am also very competitive, I like to be on top of the leader boards in everything I do and I manage to do so by giving a little extra all the time. I am a volunteer staff member of a Dutch organization that helps to make gaming more competitive, social and openly accepted. Together with a team of professionals we manage about 80 players. My tasks consisted of social media (marketing), connecting people, recruiting, creating real life events and I am responsible for 4 crew members. The organization is registered as and runs like a business with regular meetings and a financial budget which has given me the experience to work like a manager.

During high school I have always been interested in economics and when choosing the second phase of high school I chose the route of 'Economics and Society' with extra 'Management + Organization' as a subject. A lot of students had troubles with the subjects Economics and 'Management + Organization' which have always been my strengths so I tutored a few of them because I like to help and discuss about the subject. Right after high school I developed an exceptional interest in entrepreneurship. I started out in a Dutch undergraduate program roughly translated as 'commercial economics' which is a bachelor of business administration. During this program I have gained basic theoretical knowledge about statistics, marketing, market research, business administration and mathematics and practical experience in conducting market research and using SPSS for analyzing the market research. All these subjects were interesting to me because it gave me insight on several aspects of a business but when it all came together in creating a business plan that was great and enjoyed every aspect of it. The business plan I created together with my project group ranked first across the program that year. The program however was not focused on entrepreneurship and real life practice like I expected it to be and I felt limited in my creativity. After that conclusion I decided to attend some seminars from international entrepreneurial people such as J.T. Foxx, Robert Kiyosaki and several others. I have learned a lot from that and I have gained a great international spirit as I met people from all over the world. This is also where I learned that an international focus is important because you can learn so much from different kinds of people. I have started my own business together with a classmate supplying a new founded innovative product; the healthy energy mint a substitute for the popular energy drink. I have had several more great ideas that are inventive and great for new businesses but I lack a lot of knowledge to create a successful new business out of those ideas.

When I heard of Jönköping International Business School from a former German student who I met at a seminar I instantly became interested. He told me that he learned a lot about economics, marketing, entrepreneurship and businesses and he got me excited with that. We have spoken during all the breaks and I learned that Jönköping University is a great environment to learn and study in. As soon as I arrived home from the seminar I further orientated about the program which got me really excited. I have been looking for a program and university that offers both entrepreneurship and an international focus at the same time combined with real practice. No university I know offers this in the environment that JIBS does and so I am glad that I have found JIBS. I did not know anyone who had experience in studying abroad myself so I asked some people in my network if they knew anyone. My inquiries resulted in three references. I spoke to them about my idea to study International Economics and Policy at Jönköping University and asked them about their experiences and they were very positive. They told me that the experience is great and that it is a one of a lifetime opportunity which must be taken. These conversations made my interest in JIBS stronger and convinced me that I can not miss out on the opportunity to attend the program.

I think I will be a great addition to the program because of my motivation to learn, study, practice and succeed. My entrepreneurial beliefs and spirit and my international focus will fit great within the program and my prior experience in several subjects will give me a great benefit. All of my friends and family are all very supportive of my choice, and I am grateful for that. I hope my letter of motivation will convince you to accept me into the program and I hope to hear from you soon. If you have any questions regarding my letter, feel free to contact me so I can elaborate on my letter.

Yours sincerely,

Test read my letter of motivation

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