Task 2: please check my writting

Question

Topic: Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socializing online to meeting one another in person. Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.Nowadays, technology upgrades people's standards of living. Many people support that the young almost enjoy socializing on the Internet than coming together with another individual. This essay takes a look at both questions of the argument.Firstly, let us look at the cause of the showdown online in the present. One major cause of this issue is teenagers become lazy, along with wanting to spend the most time playing or showdown on the Internet in light of the fact that they think it is extremely convenient, and they can lie on their bed. Therefore, due to the fact of high-teaching society and artificial intelligence, consequently going out with one person in real life is rare and becomes obsolete. Secondly, if you use Facebook, Instagram, or another app. . . Youngsters will meet friends in many countries worldwide. For instance, COVID-19, which is a risky disease, and the government who takes a law about social distancing consequently showdown online is the good way to traditionally see friends or your parents, on the contrary, it makes all the young become drift apart.There are a number of viable solutions to help tackle this problem. To begin with, the parent must adjust the thinking of their children, and they need to manipulate their son or daughter to go outside with them or meet their buddies. Secondly, young people must have the right thinking about use spend less time on social networking and spend a lot of time going outside to improve their health, and also connected with the new friend. Finally, the government should have advertised about the bad effects meet on the Internet which can contribute to your souls and your minds.In conclusion, although socializing online is trouble for numerous teenagers, there are several viable solutions to counteract this social problem.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Tâm Thanh 9215Nowadays, technology upgrades people's standards of living.

That makes no sense. Standard of living is related to how far from poverty the person is; how they are able to afford their basic needs, and even more. It has absolutely nothing to do with teenagers and social media.

Do not write off-topic sentences.

Many people support (The task does not tell you about some people's opinions. Write sentences that are focused on the task.) that the young almost enjoy (That means that the do not really enjoy it.) socializing on the Internet than coming together with each other. ~~another individual~~. ~~This essay takes a look at both questions~~ (wrong word) ~~of the argument.~~

Here is the essay prompt: Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person?

You need to write an introduction to your answers in a thesis statement.

For example: The first sentence answers "Why"

Today's teenagers are addicted to their smartphones and they prefer texting and updating their Facebook profile to socializing in person. Among other things, their parents and teachers need to organize parties and social get-togethers for them.

~~Firstly~~, First, let us look at the cause of the showdown (wrong word. It makes no sense. It is a new fad in phone apps?.) online in the present. One major cause of this issue is teenagers become lazy, along with wanting to spend ~~the~~ most of their time playing or showdown (I do not understand this.) on the Internet. ~~in light of the fact that~~ (Not a good expression.) They think it is extremely convenient, and they can lie on their bed. Therefore, due to the fact of high-teaching (I do not understand this.) society and artificial intelligence, (I do not understand how artificial intelligence relates to social networking.) consequently going out with one person (The topic is about groups of friends, not just one person.) in real life is rare and becomes obsolete. Second, ~~Secondly~~, if ~~you~~ they (You are writing about teenagers.) use Facebook, Instagram, or another app. . . (wrong punctuation. You need a comma here.) ~~Youngsters~~ (Wrong word. Youngsters are much younger than teenagers. Besides, it is an informal word. Do not use it. ) they will meet friends in many countries worldwide. For instance, (Wrong transition. COVID-19 is not an example of meeting people who live in other countries.) COVID-19, which is a risky disease, and the government who takes a law about social distancing consequently showdown online is the good way to traditionally see friends or your parents, on the contrary, it makes all the young become drift apart. (very poor English. I could not understand this sentence at all. To have a showdown means to have a very serious argument about an ongoing issue, where only one person wins.)

There are a number of viable solutions to help tackle this problem. To begin with, the parent must adjust the thinking of their children, and they need to ~~manipulate~~ (Manipulate is a very negative word. It means to trick someone to do something.) entice their son or daughter to go outside with them or meet their buddies. Second, ~~Secondly~~, young people must have the right thinking about use spend less time (Poor English - ungrammatical) on social networking and spend a lot of time going outside to improve their health, (Off-topic) and also connected with the new friend. Finally, the government should have advertised about the bad effects meet on the Internet (Poor English - ungrammatical) which can contribute to your souls (Wrong word. This is a religious concept. ) and your minds.

In conclusion, although socializing online is trouble for ~~numerous~~ teenagers, there are several viable solutions to counteract this social problem.

You need to write more clearly, and use vocabulary words that you are confident of. I did not understand quite a bit of the essay. As a result, the coherence and cohesion was not good. You must keep focused on the task.

Write about your personal experiences. Do you know any young people who like to use a smartphone? Are they lazy? Do they just lie in bed fiddling with their electronic devices?

Task 2: please check my writting

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