Task 2 - Need Comments

Hi everyone! I'm a new-commer here. This is the first time I've tried to write a Task 2 Ielts essay. I need your comment on my vocabulary choice, ideas, coherence and cohesion so that I can imporve my writing skills. Thank you in advance!

Topic:

Nowadays many young people spend their free time in shopping centers. This has a negative effect on the youths and the society.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Give your opinion and relevant examples.

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There are a variety of perspectives of how to spend the leisure time. In recent years, a high proportion of young people have been witnessed to wander around shopping malls in their free time. It is an interesting activity, I concur; however, it is better if young generation is engaged in other healthier ones.

It is undisputable that shopping centers are one of the most popular source of relaxation and entertainment. Wandering these places may breed tiny happiness, sense of satisfaction, and help people escape from hectic schedules of assignments. Many Vietnamese youngsters find that their mood can be boosted when going shopping; consequently, they feel ready and motivated to come back to their repetitive and boring line of work.

However, devoting the whole of free time in shopping centers obviously is not a healthy lifestyle. Wealthy youngsters consider shopping as a leisure activity and they purchase every items they need until they break bank, which is really money-wasting. Meanwhile, others, who have less money, are involved in window-shopping, which is time-consuming. No valuable benefits, except for short-term contentment, are found in such activities

When comparing shopping activity with other ones, I suppose reading books and playing sports are much healthier and more Ones can gain relaxation and a sound grasp knowledge of various facets of life if spending time immersing themselves in series of books. If young people participate in sport activities, their mental, psychological and physical aspects can be boosted. They feel happier, stronger; they work better thanks to the positive impacts of outdoor activities on their logical thinking and mood; they even escape from the risk of unexpected diseases.

In conclusion, each young individual has disparate ways of spending his or her free time, however, it is highly recommended that the young join in healthy activities, rather than wandering shopping centers.