[TASK 2] AIR POLLUTION

Question

Hello teachers, please check these essays in the IELTS test for me. Thank you for your help &lt;3---Air pollution is one of the largest problems facing the world today. What are the causes? What can be done to solve this problem?My essay:Up to the present time, air pollution is still one of the most globally concerning issues, which strongly negatively affects human health. To tackle this issue, we need practical solutions and an in-depth analysis of the current circumstance.Several factors are contributing to air pollution, especially the growth in population. It leads to a greater demand for commuting and industrial production. In particular, mass-producing of factories to meet the demands of citizens leads to the production of exhausted gases, such as carbon dioxide and nitrogen oxides, at an alarming rate. Besides, the number of vehicles, from the countryside to the capital, significantly rises, which considerably decreases the air quality. Another main factor is that the use of different alternative energy sources, such as solar or wind energy, is undervalued. For instance, most developing and developed countries depend on fossil fuels, including coal, oil, and natural gases. When being burnt, the combustion of this non-renewable material could release a considerable amount of smoke and exhaust fumes. Hence, the air is gradually polluted due to human impacts.However, some practical solutions can be taken to partly or thoroughly solve it. For the short-term solution, public transportation should be widely used to discourage private vehicles on the roads. To do this, government and private companies should make this kind of transportation accessible to everyone by upgrading the present system and offering a competitive price. Education, especially for the young generation, would play a crucial role in the long-term solution. Children could raise awareness about improving air quality through simple lessons about environment protection or extracurricular activities relating to growing plants. Furthermore, parents should set a law-abiding role model putting efforts into keeping the Earth clean and green. As a result, the air quality could steadily improve day by day.In conclusion, the firm correspondence between air quality and human actions has been clarified. Only through raising the awareness of the young generation about protecting the environment and gradually changing human tendency to use public transportation, the air quality could be significantly improved. From a personal perspective and these given solutions, we can eradicate several negative impacts on air quality and human health.---Again, thank you for reading this essay.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote 365 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write around 270 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~Up to the present time,~~ (That is unnatural. Use the present tense to state the current situation. The topic is not about the past.) Air pollution is ~~still~~ one of the most globally concerning issues, ~~which~~ since it strongly negatively affects human health. (The relative pronoun is incorrect. It is not the issue that affects human health; it is air pollution.) ~~To tackle this issue, we need practical solutions and an in-depth analysis of the current circumstance.~~

That is not a proper thesis statement. The thesis statement needs to address the essay prompt: What are the causes? What can be done to solve this problem?

Give the reader a hint or the substance of your argument points. In a two-part question type of essay, you many need two sentences to express your thesis. For example:

The main causes are high volumes of traffic and industry's dirty smokestacks. The most promising solution is to increase the use of clean energy at the expense of fossil fuels.

Several factors are contributing to air pollution, especially the growth in population. It leads to a greater demand for commuting and industrial production. In particular, mass-producing of factories to meet the demands of citizens leads to higher amounts ~~the production~~ of ~~exhausted~~ flue gases, which contain ~~such as~~ carbon dioxide and nitrogen oxides~~, at an alarming rate~~. Besides, the number of vehicles, from the countryside to the large cities ~~capital~~, significantly rises, ~~which~~ and their exhaust considerably decreases the air quality. Another main factor is that the use of ~~different alternative~~ cleaner energy sources, such as solar or wind energy, is undervalued. For instance, most developing and developed countries depend on fossil fuels, including coal, oil, and natural gas. ~~gases~~. When being burnt, the combustion of this non-renewable material ~~could~~ releases a considerable amount of smoke with particulates. ~~and exhaust fumes~~. Hence, the air quality is gradually worsening. ~~polluted due to human impacts~~.

However, some practical solutions can be taken to partly or thoroughly solve it. For the short-term solution, public transportation should be widely used to discourage private vehicles on the roads. To do this, government and private companies should make this kind of transportation accessible to everyone by upgrading the present system and offering inexpensive fares. ~~a competitive price.~~ Education, especially for the young generation, would play a crucial role in the long-term solution. The awareness of children ~~could raise awareness~~ about ~~improving~~ air quality can be raised through simple lessons about environment protection or extracurricular activities relating to growing plants. Furthermore, parents should ~~set a law-abiding~~ be a role model putting efforts into keeping the Earth clean and green. As a result, the air quality could steadily improve day by day.

In conclusion, there is a ~~firm~~ correspondence between air quality and human actions ~~has been clarified~~. (Do not refer to your writing. Just summarize the argument points.) Only through raising the awareness of the young generation about protecting the environment and gradually changing the preference ~~human tendency~~ to use public transportation, the air quality could be significantly improved. (Read the essay instructions, especially the prompts. Does it ask for a personal opinion? You have adequately covered both questions. Stop here.) ~~From a personal perspective and these given solutions, we can eradicate several negative impacts on air quality and human health.~~

[TASK 2] AIR POLLUTION

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