Task 1 for the beginner: Food consumption

Question

Hello teacher, I have written a simple essay related to task 1 in the IELTS test. Please help me to check and correct it. Thank you with love.

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The graph below shows the consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat in a European country between 1979 and 2004.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Answer:

The graph gives information related to some different kinds of food consumption including beef, lamb, fish and chicken from 1979 to 2004 in Europe.

Overall, fish was the least commonly used food in this 25-year-period. Three remainder meat, however, showed their declining trend in the same period although beef was the most common meat in the year of 1979.

It can be seen in the first year of this period, beef was above the others with a value of around 215 grams per person per week. However, it just peaked at below 250 in 1984 then steadily declined over the following year. Fish was the least commonly used food in 1979 and throughout this period. Chicken and lamb, respectively, had the value of exactly 150 and below 150 in the same year. However, there was a significantly fluctuating increase in eaten chicken over these 25 years. In 2004, the value of chicken consumption was approximately 250 grams eaten, compared to 100, 60 and 40 grams perspectively of beef, lamb and fish.

Again, thank you.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Vu Lê Hu?nh QuangPlease help me to check and correct it.

OK. You check it and I will assist you. Hmmm. I don't think this website has that capability.

Maybe you asked this incorrectly. Do you mean this: " Please check my essay." or "Please correct my essay."

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The graph (What kid of graph? Please be exact.) gives information related to Please tell the reader exactly what is on the graph;. "Information related to X" is very nebulous, fuzzy and general. You will not get a good mark for such imprecision.) some ("Some" is not precise. Some can mean five or eight or fifteen.) different kinds of food consumption including ("Including" means that there are additional items you have not mentioned.) beef, lamb, fish and chicken from 1979 to 2004 in Europe.

That is not a good description. You must be as specific and precise as possible. Vague terms like "some" and "information" are inferior descriptions. You did not tell your reader what is on the graph, or what kind of graph it is.

Compare with this very exact description:

The line graph plots the number of grams per person of fish, plus three types of meat (chicken, beef and lamb)  eaten weekly by people living in Europe over the twenty-five year period, 1979 to 2004.

Or this one with several sentences. I like this one better because it is crystal clear. You should write several sentences when describing a complicated figure.

The weekly amounts of four different foods consumed by people in Europe over the period from 1979 to 2004 is given on this line graph. The four foods are primary sources of protein, specifically chicken, beef, lamb and fish. The units of measure are grams per person per week.

Overall, fish was the least commonly used (We eat food. We use computers, phones and pens.) food in this 25-year-period. (no hyphen) Three remainder (wrong word) meat, (One meat? Which one?) however, showed their declining trend in the same period although beef was the most commonly eaten meat in the year of 1979.

Here is an example paragraph:

Overall, people ate more meat in 2004 than they did in 1979; a total of about 570 grams per week in 2004 compared to 460 in 1979. The increase was dominated by chicken, since only it went up as beef and lamb declined markedly, and fish slightly. Fish was the least popular protein source, and stayed in the range of 45-60 grams per week throughout the twenty-five years.

It can be seen in the first year of this period, the amount of beef was higher than ~~above~~ the others with a value of around 215 grams per person per week. However, it just peaked at below 250 (That is not good. 35 is below 250, so is 249 and so is 108. You need an adverb. e.g. slightly below, just below,) in 1984 then steadily declined over the following year. (That is 1985. What happened after 1985?) Fish was the least commonly used food in 1979 and throughout this period. (You already said this. Avoid repeating the same thing twice.) Chicken and lamb, respectively, had the value of exactly 150 and below 150 (You need an adverb.) in the same year. (What year?) However, there was a significantly fluctuating increase in eaten chicken (This is bad English) over these 25 years. In 2004, the value of chicken consumption was approximately 250 grams ~~eaten~~, compared to 100, 60 and 40 grams perspectively (wrong word) of beef, lamb and fish.

Here are some points I might include in the "Detail" paragraph:

The amount of chicken eaten on a weekly basis had a steady linear increase over the period, with relatively small fluctuations of plus or minus 10 grams. It started out at about 140 and ended at nearly 250 grams per person per week, an increase of just over 75%.

Beef remained the most popular meat in the initial ten years, 1979-1989, but was overtaken by chicken around 1990. After that, chicken became the most popular of the four; at the end of the period, people ate more than twice as much chicken as beef, which was in second place.

Lamb was the least favorite of the three meats over the entire period except for the first year, when it was slightly favored over chicken (150 versus 140 grams per week per person).

Task 1 for the beginner: Food consumption

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