Task 1

Question

Please help me correct my essay. Thank you so much.

The table gives information about the tendency in exporting Equipment, Telecommunity, Clothing, Manufacturing, and Metals in China during the course of 2009-2010

Overall, exports value grows 20% after one year albeit the widely varying changes within each category.

In 2010, China saw increases in three categories, in which Metals surged at 122%, gaining 5.1 billion HK dollars from the lowest level of 2.3 billion in 2009. This pattern was followed by Telecommunity with a sharp rise of 61% to 12.7 billion, leading the exported items in 2010, and Equipment with a lesser increase of 13%, 11.6 billion dollars by the end of 2010.

By contrast, there was a downward trend for Manufacturing and Clothing. Revenue for the former recorded a drop of more than a quarter (from 6 billion to 5 billion) and the latter, around one-fifth (from 5.5 billion to 4 billion), making them the only two items experiencing negative growth at the end of 2010.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Where did you get this task? It is not good English. For example, "Telecommunity" means a society in which information can be transmitted or received freely between all members without technical incompatibilities.

Societies cannot be exported or imported. How do you put a dollar value on a group of people?

The table gives informa

Societies cannot be exported or imported. How do you put a dollar value on a group of people?

The table gives information about (Do not use "information about" in task 1. It is vague and indeterminate.) the tendency (wrong word. Numbers are actual facts. Tendencies are guesses or approximations.) in exporting Equipment, Telecommunity, Clothing, Manufacturing, and Metals in (wrong preposition) China during the course of (That is an expression for line graphs which show intermediate data points. It is wrong for tabular data. ) 2009-2010

Sample opening paragraph:

The table lists the amounts, in billions of Hong Kong dollars ($HK), for five categories of exports from China for two years, 2009 and 2010. It also gives the total of all categories and the percentage difference between the two years. The categories are Equipment, Telecommunication technology, Clothing, Manufacturing, and Metals.

Overall, exports value (wrong expression) grows (wrong tense. 2010 is in the past) 20% after one year (wrong expression) albeit the widely varying changes within each category.

Corrected version:

Overall, the total value of these exports grew 20% between 2009 and 2010, although there was a wide variation among the five categories. Three of them increased and two decreased. The largest category in 2009 was Equipment, and the largest in 2010 was Telecommunication technology.

In 2010, China saw (Countries cannot see. Only people and animals can see.) increases in three categories, in which Metals surged at 122%, gaining 5.1 billion HK dollars (Wrong expression. It gained 2.8 billion HK$. Gain refers to the difference between the values.) from the lowest (wrong expression. Use the superlative when you have three or more numbers. ) level of 2.3 billion in 2009. This pattern was followed by Telecommunity with a sharp rise of 61% to 12.7 billion, leading the exported items in 2010, and Equipment with a lesser increase of 13%, 11.6 billion dollars ~~by the end of~~ (wrong expression - The values are for two years. There are no values for the months within those years.) 2010.

Corrected text:

In terms of the three categories which had increases, Metals had the largest percentage, going from 2.3 to 5.1, a gain of 2.8 billion $HK. But the largest absolute increase (4.8 billion $HK) can be seen in Telecommunication technologies, which went up from 7.9 to 12.7 billion $HK, or 61%. The value of Equipment exports rose the least, 1.3 $HK, or 13%.

By contrast, there was a downward trend (wrong word. A trend must be observed over many points of time. Two points does not make a trend. For example, if the table had columns for 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 and 2013, and in every year the value went up or down, you can call it a trend.) for Manufacturing and Clothing. Revenue (wrong word) for the former recorded a drop of more than a quarter (from 6 billion to 5 billion) and the latter, around one-fifth (from 5.5 billion to 4 billion), making them the only two ~~items experiencing~~ (Items do not have experiences. Only living creatures have experiences.) ~~negative growth at the end of 2010~~. (These are not individual items. They are categories of items.) categories which declined in value.

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