T2 Essay

Question

Hi,I would appreciate it if you could have a look at my essay.Figures show that some countries have an increasing proportion of the population who are aged 60 or older.  What do you think the effects of this may be?Perhaps one of the gravest concerns in today's world is the ever-rising number of senior citizens. I assume the consequences of this to be primarily threefold, which will be probed into in this paper.To start with, the increasing number of aging citizens may well lead to a marked reduction in the national income on the grounds that fewer people work and pay their income taxes. It has long been a common practice to cover the costs through the tax the work force pay and when this source is curtailed, the result will be budget cuts.Increased government expenditure on health care, furthermore, is another unfortunate byproduct of the rise in the proportion of the aging citizens. The fact that this population may be vulnerable to the prevalence of chronic diseases due to their weak immune system means more money and resources should be delegated to their health care system. After all, there can be a pressing need for home care and investment in new technologies so as to address the issue which can in turn contribute to the depletion of governments' budgets.Last but not least, its impact on businesses can be profound. Considering the fact that the present work force will be the pensioners of tomorrow implies shortage of skilled workers in the near future. It is , in fact, this lack of qualified and experienced workers that can rise wages, causing wage inflation. Added to this the issue filling in-demand roles which in turn may lead to delayed business expansion.The conclusion which can be drawn is that the growth in the percentage of the elderly is highly likely to leave a mark on the economy of nations.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

1) The Task Achievement marking criteria for Band 9 state "presents ....relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas". It is usually easier to do this with just two(rather than three) main body paragraphs, each focusing on one idea . This would provide the opportunity to give some specific examples to support your ideas. Incidentally, it is also important to avoid "over-generalizing", and specific examples will help here too.

2) In the second sentence, it is not clear to me what exactly "which" refers back to.

3) "will be probed into in this paper": this type of introduction is quite common in academic papers, but unnecessary in IELTS. The marking criteria only require you to "present a fully developed position in answer to the question" and "a clear position throughout the response". The introduction should therefore foreshadow your position. Here something like: the consequences will be dire, affecting the national economy and business in general. Do not waste your time and words on a long preamble in IELTS: it will not advance your arguments and may give the impression you are parroting off memorized phrases.

4) Perhaps the phrase you need in the second paragraph is "the overall tax take" (will shrink, resulting in budget cuts).

5) There is a non sequitur between the second and third paragraph. How can government expenditure on health care increase when the overall tax take has diminished?

6) ... vulnerable to the prevalence of chronic diseases..: does not make sense. Either: more vulnerable to chronic diseases OR chronic diseases may become more prevalent.

6) ... resources should be allocated to the health system

7) After all: inappropriate. Marking criteria specifically demerit "over-use of cohesive devices".

8) ... there can be a pressing need: misuse of modal. Either there will be OR there may be . Similarly "will be profound/may be profound" in paragraph four.

9) which can in turn ... budgets: this is an afterthought, so there must be a comma before "which".

10) Considering the fact that: generally avoid these long phrased conjunctions -> As ....

11) ... implies a shortage of skilled workers: what is the subject of "implies" ? -> there must be a shortage ...

12) ..rise wages: using 'rise' as a transitive verb is, in my experience, an Americanism used by yoga teachers. Traditionally, 'raise' is the transitive form, and the standard usage.

13) ..Added to this : over-use of cohesive devices. Often the best practice is to leave such phrases out. See fifteen below for how to achieve cohesion without them.

14) -> there is the issue of filling ... (missing verb)

15) .. its impact on businesses: what does "its" refer to? One way of achieving cohesion is to make the subject of the sentence the topic of the essay. So here, to achieve better focus, try rewriting the paragraph using referencing, beginning with "An ageing population will have profound impacts on ... . It will create a shortage ... . It will also .... .

16) Your conclusion is somewhat wishy-washy. It is often better (for IELTS purposes) to take a slightly more extreme position, as this may help to make your position clear throughout. If you think an ageing population will undermine the national economy, and be generally "bad", then you should make that explicitly clear in each and every paragraph and in the conclusion.

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