T1 essay

Question

Hi,I would appreciate it if you could check the following. The graph above shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.The assumption is that we are in the year 2050 now.The presented diagram delineates how the population of people aged 65 and above changed over a period of one century in three separate nations: The USA, Sweden, and Japan. Overall, while all the nations at issue generally followed an upward trend over the survey, the figures for USA and Sweden were very close to each other compared to that of Japan.In 1940, 5% of people in Japan were 65 and older. This percentage did not rise until 2005, when it started to go up sharply, experiencing a twofold increase by the end of the 2020's. In 2030, it surged dramatically exceeding 25% in less than 10 years, followed by a less significant growth to the end of the period.Another look at the graph reveals that both the United States and Sweden started the period (in 1940) with values below 10%. By the same token, they achieved a steady growth, reaching 15% in 1990. While the percentage of the senior citizens in the United States of America plateaued out remaining at the same level until 2015, that of Sweden outstripped it, accounting for one fifth of the total population in 2010, though it subsequently suffered a minor setback for the next 15 years. Finally, both the proportion of the age-group at question in these nations climbed swiftly to around 25% at the end of the survey in 2040.

Doctor D · Accepted Answer

Okay, here are my suggestions. (I assume your essay begins here):

The presented diagram delineates how the population of people aged 65 and above changed over a period of one century in three separate nations: The USA, Sweden, and Japan. Overall, while this group ~~all the nations at issue~~ generally followed an upward trend in all three nations over the period in question ~~survey~~, the figures for USA and Sweden were very close to each other compared to that of Japan.

In 1940, only 5% of people in Japan were 65 and older. This percentage did not rise until 2005, when it started to go up sharply, experiencing a twofold increase by the end of the 2020's. In By 2030, it had surged dramatically, exceeding 25% of the population. ~~in less than 10 years~~, and continued to grow, though less rapidly through ~~followed by a less significant growth to~~ the end of the period.

Meanwhile ~~Another look at the graph reveals that~~ both the United States and Sweden started the period (in 1940) with ~~values~~ an older population below 10%. ~~By the same token, they~~ This group underwent ~~achieved a~~ steady growth, reaching 15% in 1990. While the percentage of the senior citizens in the United States of America then plateaued, ~~out~~ remaining at the same level until 2015, that of Sweden outstripped it, accounting for one fifth of the total population in 2010, before declining slightly over ~~though it subsequently suffered a minor setback for~~ the next 15 years. ~~Finally, both the proportion of the age-group at question in these nations climbed swiftly to around 25% at~~ However, by the end of the survey in 2040, the senior population in both the USA and Sweden had climbed to nearly 25%, only slightly below the mark set by Japan. [Bring your essay to a conclusion that includes all 3 nations.]

Any questions? I hope this helps.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Task 1 is an extreme challenge for a student learning English. It takes a lot of practice and vocabulary to write a superlative task 1 essay. I consider task 1 much more difficult than task 2.

The student must write a precise and accurate description of the figure or figures, and not give opinions or conclusions. The skill level expected is for writing accepted by a professor in a university science class. (i.e. Economics, biology, math, physics, engineering or chemistry.) A literal description of the visual elements is OK, but the professor will be much more impressed by insightful and keen observations that are derived by numerical comparisons or calculations. These are not conclusions, but derived data.

Here are some of my aspirational guidelines to get a band 9 (equivalent to a native speaker, a top-level science student.)

Paragraph 1: Describe the figure, not the data. e.g. The subject, the range on the axes, the units of measure. Do not make assumptions, or add any information that is not explicitly stated in the instructions. For example, if the instructions say, "These data come from answers on a questionnaire given to 1000 voters in the November, 2010 and the November 2012 elections." Then you can use the word "survey." But it it is just demographic data (probably collected by the United Nations) with no information about where it came from, do not use the word "survey."

Paragraph 2: Describe the salient points of the data. For example, what are the maximum and minimum values? This gives a mental frame for the data in the reader's mind. If time is involved, how are the beginning values different from the end?

Paragraph 3: Describe significant details and make comparisons. Use a calculator to give numerical, objective, not subjective observations.

In general:

1. Compute totals, averages, percent change, relative rankings, rates of change, and other significant comparisons. These will be implicit, not explicit. For example, in a pie chart, sum related categories together as a point of comparison with other related categories.

2. Vocabulary:

Avoid synonyms. There are very few synonyms that have so exactly the same meaning that they can be used in a scientific manner. Synonyms can be very distracting to the readers, because they have to perform a mental gyration to figure out what you are talking about. Use pronouns and phrasing to avoid repetition. You can define a term, if necessary, but do that in the first paragraph. Save your display of synonym usage for Task 2, which strives for eloquence of expression, not scientific precision.

Avoid the word "figure" to mean a value or number. In this context (a technical article), "figure" normally refers to a diagram, chart or table in an article. Use exact words like percentage, value, data, or number.

Avoid anthropomorphic verbs like "see," "witness," and "experience." These words are not typically used in mathematical or scientific texts. They are wonderful verbs to use in Task 2 when you are arguing an opinion from your own experience. "The year 1987 experienced a rapid growth..." is grammatical English, but used in the context of a newspaper report or novel, not in scientific writing. Also, avoid words that imply or express opinions. Use unbiased, neutral and objective mathematical vocabulary words that do not signify human values such as good or bad. Avoid words and expressions that are emotionally charged. (emotive words).

Do learn useful "math" vocabulary words.

a) the names of shapes of curves such as linear, exponential, logarithmic, sinusoidal.

b) The word piecewise is good when you divide a line graph into segments with different shapes and "correlated/correlation" when two curves have very similar shapes.

c) "peak" and "fluctuation" are vocabulary words that I often see incorrectly used. There are statistical variations in all data, and these are rarely true fluctuations. "Trend" is also often misused.

Use quantitative expressions over qualitative expressions. Instead of "remarkable," "sharp," "very close" and "dramatic" report percentage increases or absolute increases in numerical terms.

3. Clauses. Avoid clauses that describe your or the reader's actions with respect to the figure. The reader will be looking at the chart, so you don't need to write "looking at the chart" Avoid "it is obvious/clear/evident/apparent", as these are opinion words. Paragraph 2 should explain the "obvious" without your telling the reader that something is clear to you. Do not refer to yourself or the reader in your writing.

By the way, you can take the above advice with a grain of salt. I am not an IELTS grader. I have no specific qualifications. But I have written a lot of scientific-style articles, and know what is acceptable to a professor in that context.

The ~~presented~~ diagram (Be more specific. A diagram is a very general term. It can be a schematic, an image, a map, a chart or figure or drawing. Do not use a participial premodifier: e.g. given ) delineates how the population of people aged 65 (Incorrect. "Population" would be absolute numbers. The graph does not plot absolute numbers, but relative numbers.) and above changed over a period of one century (Give the year range. A century could be 1389-1489 or 1250-1250. Tell the reader what the time range is. ) in three ~~separate~~ nations: (Nations, are, by definition, separate countries.) The USA, Sweden, and Japan. Overall, while all the nations at issue (unnatural. The is no issue here.) generally followed an upward trend (The nations did not trend upwards.) over the survey, (There is no indication that this was a survey.) the ~~figures~~ data for USA and Sweden (There is only one figure, that is the graph.) were very close (??) to each other compared to that of Japan.

In 1940, 5% of the people in Japan (the Japanese)were 65 and older. This percentage did not rise until 2005, when it started to go up sharply, experiencing a twofold increase by the end of the 2020's. In 2030, it surged dramatically ( emotive words.) exceeding 25% in less than 10 years, followed by a less significant (subjective) growth to the end of the period. (The reader has no idea what the "end of the period is. You have not written the time range.)

Another look at the graph reveals that (A clause to avoid.) Both the United States and Sweden started the period (in 1940) with values below 10%. ~~By the same token,~~ they achieved (It is not an achievement, which signifies a good thing.) a steady growth, reaching 15% in 1990. While the percentage of the senior citizens (distracting synonym usage) in the United States of America plateaued, ~~out~~ remaining at the same level until 2015, that of Sweden outstripped (an emotive, value-laden word) it, accounting for one fifth of the total population in 2010, though it subsequently suffered a minor setback ("suffer" and "a setback" implies that this is a negative consequence, and the higher the percentage is, the better off the nation will be. That might not be the eventual conclusion. ) for the next 15 years. Finally, both the proportion of the age-group at question (unnecessary. You are only talking about one age group.) in these nations climbed swiftly (subjective, also emotive) to around 25% at the end of the survey in 2040.

T1 essay

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