0
Jonathan Emanuel Posted 14 years ago
Grammar
Support the troops; Proofrood this 3 Para LOR
I'm currently attending an NCO academy for the Air Force and require assistance on grammar and punctuation for a 3 paragraph Letter of Request (LOR) assignment. All the information has been fabricated so feel free to restructure and rephrase as necessary. The first paragraph is supposed to describe what you need, the second paragraph conveys why you need it and the third paragraph establishes contact information and deadlines. Could you also look for ways to restructure sentences into more concise thoughts? Of specific concern is the first sentence in the second paragraph. Here is what I've got so far:
1. On behalf of the members of the 57 Maintenance (MXS) Fuels Rodeo Team, I am requesting a monetary donation from the 57 MXS booster club. The Fuels Rodeo Team will use the funds to offset costs of purchasing team uniforms. We require $80 dollars to buy four uniforms for the Fuels Rodeo Competition on 15 March 2012.
2. First, as representatives of the 57 MXS Fuels Rodeo Team, we must present a professional image during the competition that adequately reflects the 57 MXS unit's high standard of professional excellence and team uniforms are the ideal method to achieving that goal. Team uniforms additionally unify members with a sense of camaraderie, increase morale, and foster team spirit. Uniforms also enable spectators to easily distinguish 57 MXS Fuels Rodeo Team members from other competitors. Lastly, by providing money to buy team uniforms you will fulfill the booster club's original intent of supporting the 57 MXS community.
3. Thank you for giving an honest consideration to our request. I sincerely hope you see the benefit of unifying the 57 MXS Fuels Rodeo Team under common colors. We must order the uniforms by 1 March 2012 so please provide a response by 25 February. If you have any questions, please contact me at DSN 6XX-XXXX from 0700-1600, Monday through Friday.
I appreciate any input and all constructive criticism is welcome!
1. On behalf of the members of the 57 Maintenance (MXS) Fuels Rodeo Team, I am requesting a monetary donation from the 57 MXS booster club. The Fuels Rodeo Team will use the funds to offset costs of purchasing team uniforms. We require $80 dollars to buy four uniforms for the Fuels Rodeo Competition on 15 March 2012.
2. First, as representatives of the 57 MXS Fuels Rodeo Team, we must present a professional image during the competition that adequately reflects the 57 MXS unit's high standard of professional excellence and team uniforms are the ideal method to achieving that goal. Team uniforms additionally unify members with a sense of camaraderie, increase morale, and foster team spirit. Uniforms also enable spectators to easily distinguish 57 MXS Fuels Rodeo Team members from other competitors. Lastly, by providing money to buy team uniforms you will fulfill the booster club's original intent of supporting the 57 MXS community.
3. Thank you for giving an honest consideration to our request. I sincerely hope you see the benefit of unifying the 57 MXS Fuels Rodeo Team under common colors. We must order the uniforms by 1 March 2012 so please provide a response by 25 February. If you have any questions, please contact me at DSN 6XX-XXXX from 0700-1600, Monday through Friday.
I appreciate any input and all constructive criticism is welcome!
Top answer
This is a good letter! Congratulations (regardless of whether you are a native English speaker or not). I'd suggest only a few changes: On behalf of the members of the 57 Maintenance (MXS) Fuels Rodeo Team, I am requesting a monetary donation from the 57 MXS booster club.
- This is a good letter!
- Congratulations (regardless of whether you are a native English speaker or not).
- I'd suggest only a few changes: On behalf of the members of the 57 Maintenance (MXS) Fuels Rodeo Team, I am requesting a monetary donation from the 57 MXS booster club.
- Our intention is to use the funds to offset costs of purchasing team uniforms.
- We require $80 dollars to purchase four uniforms for the Fuels Rodeo Competition on 15 March 2012.
Get the Weekly English Kit 📬
New words, one handy idiom, and a 2-minute quiz — delivered to your inbox to keep your streak alive.
4 Answers
0
This is a good letter! Congratulations (regardless of whether you are a native English speaker or not).
I'd suggest only a few changes:
On behalf of the members of the 57 Maintenance (MXS) Fuels Rodeo Team, I am requesting a monetary donation from the 57 MXS booster club. Our intention is to use the funds to offset costs of purchasing team un
I'd suggest only a few changes:
On behalf of the members of the 57 Maintenance (MXS) Fuels Rodeo Team, I am requesting a monetary donation from the 57 MXS booster club. Our intention is to use the funds to offset costs of purchasing team un
00
Thank you for responding, John! (Good name by the way) Unfortunately, I failed to mention that when drafting a LOR you have to maintain an active voice and most of your corrections use a passive voice. I apologize for omitting that crucial detail : /. Here is the current revision for the second paragraph that I've incorporated since drafting my original post:
2. As representatives of the
2. As representatives of the
00
Yes, Jonathan, that was a requirement that would have been helpful to know from the start. By profession and conviction, I use the passive frequently because I write principally about scientific and medical matters. It should not be too difficult for you to change to the active and keep many - if not all - of my suggestions. Good luck.
00
I did not change booster club to lower case. My suggestions are those highlighted in blue. I would capitalize Booster Club.
Paragraph 2 looks OK, although I would say "uniforms will".
Paragraph 2 looks OK, although I would say "uniforms will".
0
Related Questions