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Mr. Tom Posted 11 years ago
Grammar

Sunday party was a total washout...

Hi

I am writing a short story. Could you see these lines and edit them where necessary. Any other suggestions are welcome.

Sunday party was a total washout and Cat Jila was in a foul mood. Fun and pleasure were one thing, but she had been terribly slighted by Uncle Rat Hank who hadn’t let his son dance with Jila, thinking she was far too inferior for their family name. Yes, Rat Philip Hank was smart and intelligent but Jila had no doubts about her own looks and charms – many Tom cats and other?? rats admired her greatly and craved for a single meeting with her.

Thanks,

Tom
  

Top answer

Sunday 's party was a total washout , and so Cat Jila was in a foul mood. F un and pleasure were fun thing, Jila might have had fun had she not but she had been terribly slighted by Uncle Rat Hank , who hadn’t so much as let his son dance a single dance with her Jila , clearly considering thinking her she was far too inferior for their his family name. Yes, Rat Philip Hank was smart clever and intelligent , but Jila had no doubt s about that her own looks and charms were a match for Rat Hank or any other member of the Hank clan.

— Deadrat

  • Sunday 's party was a total washout , and so Cat Jila was in a foul mood.
  • F un and pleasure were fun thing, Jila might have had fun had she not but she had been terribly slighted by Uncle Rat Hank , who hadn’t so much as let his son dance a single dance with her Jila , clearly considering thinking her she was far too inferior for their his family name.
  • Yes, Rat Philip Hank was smart clever and intelligent , but Jila had no doubt s about that her own looks and charms were a match for Rat Hank or any other member of the Hank clan.
  • After all, she knew that many Tom Cats and Buck Rats – many Tom cats and other??
  • rats admired her greatly and craved for a single meeting assignation with her.
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5 Answers
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Sunday's party was a total washout, and so Cat Jila was in a foul mood. Fun and pleasure were fun thing, Jila might have had fun had she not but she had been terribly slighted by Uncle Rat Hank,
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Deadrat makes some good points. I particularly like 'buck rats' if your story is about cats and rats. If you don't wish to go so far, Tom, here's one minimalist approach to correction:

The Sunday party was a washout, and Cat Jila was in a foul mood. It should have been fun, but she had been slighted by Uncle Rat Hank, who hadn’t let his son dance with her, probably thinking she was fa
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I hope it's about rats. I find so few good stories about rats.
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Thanks a lot deadrat and MM.

One more question. Is this sentence grammatically incorrect? Wouldn't the reader understand it the way I have written it?

Fun and pleasure were one thing, but she had been terribly slighted by Uncle Rat Hank...

Cat Jila was not in a foul mood because of the fun and pleasure that she missed at the party, but she was feelin
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It's grammatically correct, but you're using the idiom in a way that doesn't work. "Was one thing" expects a contrasting "but another." "X is one thing, but Y is another" means that Y points out a lack in or a missing consideration in X. I'm afraid I'll have to resort to definition by example:

"Practical jokes are one thing; cruelty is another." This warns that what the joker thought
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