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James Readman Posted 14 years ago
Grammar
Substitute for 'and therefore'?
Hi all,
I'm wanting to submit an essay on music to a competition for undergrads, but one sentence is really bugging me with regards to my use of grammar. The section I believe is incorrect is this:
"However, the particularly melancholic tone of Adieu m’amour provides a very real, human element to the overall perceived feeling of the piece. This, coupled with the rondeau form’s rise as the preferred poetic structure of Renaissance composers, seems to suggest that Adieu m’amour is in fact much more sincere and therefore humanist than a brief comparison of the lyrics against an earlier courtly love poem might suggest."
My issue is that I cannot think of a good replacement for 'and therefore' even though I know it is bad style. What I need to say is that it is more sincere and humanist than a brief comparison of the lyrics against an earlier courtly love poem might suggest, but the humanism also comes as a result of the sincerity. The only way I can think to write both of these ideas concurrently is through the use of 'and therefore'! AHH! I hope that made sense. If there are any other problems with it then please don't hesitate to correct me. Thanks!
I'm wanting to submit an essay on music to a competition for undergrads, but one sentence is really bugging me with regards to my use of grammar. The section I believe is incorrect is this:
"However, the particularly melancholic tone of Adieu m’amour provides a very real, human element to the overall perceived feeling of the piece. This, coupled with the rondeau form’s rise as the preferred poetic structure of Renaissance composers, seems to suggest that Adieu m’amour is in fact much more sincere and therefore humanist than a brief comparison of the lyrics against an earlier courtly love poem might suggest."
My issue is that I cannot think of a good replacement for 'and therefore' even though I know it is bad style. What I need to say is that it is more sincere and humanist than a brief comparison of the lyrics against an earlier courtly love poem might suggest, but the humanism also comes as a result of the sincerity. The only way I can think to write both of these ideas concurrently is through the use of 'and therefore'! AHH! I hope that made sense. If there are any other problems with it then please don't hesitate to correct me. Thanks!
Top answer
I see nothing very wrong with your piece. I suggest a few revisions deleting unnecessary verbiage. Don't fall in love with your own words: However, the melancholic tone of Adieu m’amour provides a very human element to the overall feeling of the piece.
- I see nothing very wrong with your piece.
- I suggest a few revisions deleting unnecessary verbiage.
- Don't fall in love with your own words: However, the melancholic tone of Adieu m’amour provides a very human element to the overall feeling of the piece.
- This, coupled with the rondeau’s rise as the preferred poetic structure of Renaissance composers, suggests that Adieu m’amour is in fact much more sincere , and therefore more humanist , than a comparison of the lyrics against earlier courtly love poems might suggest.
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2 Answers
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I see nothing very wrong with your piece. I suggest a few revisions deleting unnecessary verbiage. Don't fall in love with your own words:
However, the melancholic tone of Adieu m’amour provides a very human element to the overall feeling of the piece. This, coupled with the rondeau’s rise as the preferred poetic structure of Renaissance compose
However, the melancholic tone of Adieu m’amour provides a very human element to the overall feeling of the piece. This, coupled with the rondeau’s rise as the preferred poetic structure of Renaissance compose
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I think it's very good as it stands.
You could change THEREFORE to CONSEQUENTLY, but I'm not sure if that will improve it from your point of view.
Also, you could add commas after SINCERE and HUMANIST.
That's all I can suggest. It looks very good to me.
You could change THEREFORE to CONSEQUENTLY, but I'm not sure if that will improve it from your point of view.
Also, you could add commas after SINCERE and HUMANIST.
That's all I can suggest. It looks very good to me.
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