STORY PASSAGE, HELP REQUIRED

Question

Everything is all right here or would you make it sound more natural please:

Can one moment ever change your life completely? Obviously, you'd say it can, but I wish the moment I experienced really did change it. Yet it didn't; it has smashed my life to tiny pieces impossible to collect. The way you slowly realize the insignificance of everything you tried to achieve is strange. Being frightened to come to terms with that reduces your life to insignificance too. It's a shocking and immediate realization - like a dagger thrust into your heart and left in the wound which festers as time goes by. My wound was caused by words and the proof that followed.
He told me that which I considered no more than pure nonsense, what I could not believe. I had never believed in such things, never read fantasy stories, never watched such films – and smiled ironically when I heard people discussing these stupid cheap books and movies: I despised dreamers because I was living in the real world – not in an imagined one, or so did I think, and hundreds, thousands, millions of others.

Manohonor · Accepted Answer

Anyone going to help? And you call it free help?

MountainHiker · Answer

Manohonor,

We'd love to help Manohonor. But where we struggle is when we believe we are doing homework or when we do a lot of work that is not acknowledged.

I gave you considerable assistance with your passage before on computers. Remember? I encourage to you Grammatical help. Nary, a thank you or any other kind word.

I encourage you to look over your passage. Think of where you believe it is incorrect or needs improvement. Then we'll help you.

Learning English is like most any other skill one learns in life. You learn best by doing. If I do it for you, you learn very little. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, it is frustrating. But that is where the value is--it is in doing, not watching.

I look forward to your continued contributions.

MountainHiker

Manohonor · Answer

Can't you just look it over and say what word you believe is more suitable here, what must be
replaced, what must be added, what deleted? You know better than me anyway.

You need a kind word?

Man, didn't I give it to you?

If I didn't reply to the last thread in that topic about computers, it's simply because I didn't
have time to do this yet - I have the real life, you know. Do you think I don't appreciate your or others' help? Then you're
wrong. I appreciate it very much. If you don't want to help, just say so - you don't need to
pretend to be a poor relative. I did my best and I need someone to check this, someone to
whom English is the first language and who knows it perfectly, at least good enough.

So help me please, I work and I need help.

MountainHiker · Answer

Manohonor,

I am beginning not to like your attitude.

Let's have a quick discussion. Or rather, I am going to state a few things.

1. We help others on a volunteer basis. We do not get paid. We help because we enjoy helping.

2. Like you, we have lives.

3. If we can spend a significant amount of time correcting YOUR work, then you certainly have time to provide a quick thank you.

4. We don't respond well to demands, such as reply asap. See number 1--we are volunteers. We respond much better to please and thank you.

5. We don't do homework. We will help you do your homework, but we don't do it for you.

6. Don't expect to simply throw your first draft of your work on the board and expect professional editing. It doesn't work that way. We all wish we had someone to do our editing for us.

7. You will learn far more if you roll up your sleeves and dig right in there with us. If you are at a grade 8 level writing ability, I don't want to rewrite your work so that it matches a university level style. I will only untie the obvious knots in your writing so that you can continue to improve. If you want the polished and professional look and feel without doing the hard work yourself, then I suggest your contract (hire) professional essay services that are abundant on the web.

Many of the errors I see in your writing are not connected with English. They are connected with logic. Your writing is actually pretty good. So when I see this situation, I say to myself, this person didn't bother to reread and rewrite his work. Because if he did, he would spot those errors.

Have a look at your computer essay. The actual writing part was easy for you. The hard part was making sure that it all made sense. Did you clearly state advantages and disadvantages? Did you clearly link one idea to the next? Those questions are germane to simply communicating. Once you have your thoughts clearly outlined, then you just have to write them down. I think you have very strong command of the writing portion. It is thinking and outlining of your ideas where you are struggling.

If I do your thinking and outlining for you, then I am really writing your essay. That is why I give you hints to force you to think about what you want to say. Then it is your writing and your points. Making your sentences a bit smoother is child's play.

8. Our comments are not always correct, especially when writing essays. Each of us has our own style, likes and dislikes. You will have to find your own natural voice.

9. All that said, I still continue to welcome you to this forum and encourage your participation in the forum. However, I wish you would be a bit more polite and appreciative of the assistance given by others. And recognize that we too have other jobs and lives. And we are not a replacement for professional editing services.

Here are some thoughts on your short essay.

Can one moment ever change your life completely?

Obviously, you would say it could. But I wish my moment would have changed my life for the better. But it didn't--instead, it has smashed my life to a million tiny pieces.

The way you slowly realize the insignificance of everything you tried to achieve is strange. Being frightened to come to terms with that reduces your life to insignificance too. [incomplete sentence...I don't know what you are trying to say.] It's a shocking and immediate realization - like a dagger thrust into your heart and left in the wound which festers as time goes by. My wound was caused by words and the proof that followed. [You are going on and on without telling the reader what YOUR moment is. The reader is getting frustrated or bored by now.]

He [who is HE?] told me that which I considered no more than pure nonsense. I had never believed in such things, never read fantasy stories, never watched such films – and smiled ironically when I heard people discussing these stupid cheap books and movies: I despised dreamers because I was living in the real world – not in an imagined one, or so did I think,[ and hundreds, thousands, millions of others. -- got no idea what this last part is all about.]

My commentary: Again, I think your problem is one of logic and outline. What is your moment? Why did it shatter your life? Who is he and how is he important? What open wounds, what fantasies and on and on? As the reader plows through your essay, she is confused by what your message is. What are you trying to say?

If if were me, I'd do this: I would simply use some bullets points to create an outline or frame.

* Importance of a single moment
* My moment shattered my life
* Describe my moment
* Discuss other person (who what where why when importance)
* Discuss other person's impacts....fantasies etc.
* Summarize everything...bring everything together so that it all relates

I can't do your outline for you because I don't understand your message.

Hope this helps.

MountainHiker

Hitchhiker · Answer

Manohonor: Yeah - perhaps you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you! – MH seems to have spent a great deal of time with you on that last post. We're a free community here (nobody is obliged to participate).

MH - Thanks for your continuing help; i know loads of people here really do appreciate your support!

El Hefe · Answer

With an Attitude like yours Manohonor, its surprising that MH helped you as much as is evident.

Manohonor, you have to keep in mind that this forum is for Free help, Help as in, 'Help you with your english', NOT 'do your english homework for you!'

And as regarding us mods not having a life, Well we do!!, we also just set a side some time to help people, people that Actually deserve it!

Manohonor · Answer

Thanks, MountainHiker, I am glad that you still help me.

Do get me right, please, I didn't mean any offense, nor did I want you to do my homework -
this isn't homework, that's my leisure results. I didn't want any professional editing services either, I just wanted you or anyone else to say which words would sound more natural in this
short passage instead of those I used.

I'll think over your advice.

Thanks a lot.

MountainHiker · Answer

Manohonor,

You are more than welcome to continue to post your questions in the forum. Others benefit too when they read the answers.

If what you are doing is leisure learning and studying, then you should the time (and patience) to work through the examples that you post. I (or others) will try to guide you but still require you to do most of the heavy lifting. Perhaps near the end of the exchange for that post, I (or others) might provide a more comprehensive answer where you material gets rewritten. But that result will be the exception and not the rule. That is usually a fair amount of effort, so it will be the exception.

Learning languages is tough hard work. You've done well. You just need to practice a bit more on the "layout" or structure of what you want to write before you write.

I look forward to seeing your future posts.

MountainHiker

MountainHiker · Answer

Manohonor,

I came across this link today [url="http://www.hart.k12.ca.us/saugus/writing/Writing%20the%20essay.pdf"]on essays.[/url] I think you might benefit from it. It is a PDF file, so when you hit the link, expect a delay while Adobe Acrobat starts up.

Hope this helps.

MountainHiker

My own reference:
Keywords: essay, PDF File

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