Story for correction

Question

Hi everybody! Just join in.
I like to write stories but my grammar and vocabularies is weak.

Here is a really short story, hope you all can help correct my story.

^ I never would had thought that the women that I met yesterday was the person who broke into my house and stole everything precious from me. 'You knew her?' ask the police in charge, still holding the picture of that women for me to do recognition. 'Your neighbour saw those thieves and recognise her as one of them. They are in the police most wanted list. If you know anything just tell me ok?'

I am speechless for a moment. The cop waited for my reply patiently. 'I met this women yesterday.Alas I open my mouth. 'She told me her name, Jessica it is. But I don't know her well. She is nice to me, and an honest person. She told me about her family and such. I don't believe this beautiful lady can do this to me!'

'Looks can be decieving,sir.' he replied.

I am speechless, again. ^

That's it, phew took me ages to type,so what do you think?

GuyD · Accepted Answer

Desmond: I have rewritten your story just to illustrate how someone else might do it. You are on the right track. Try to be as specific as you can. Don’t say things like “and such.” Be specific: what exactly did she tell you? Try to expand your thoughts a little more. Add enough detail to make the story flow in the reader’s mind. Make it exciting for me to read. Most of all, keep up the good work. Writing requires work, work, work. The more you do it, the better you will become. Here’s your story rewritten:

It never occurred to me that the woman I met yesterday was the same person who broke into my home and stole everything precious to me.

At the police station the policeman held her picture up to my face and said, “You knew this woman? We’re lucky your neighbor saw her coming out of your house. Did you know that she’s part of a gang that’s been burglarizing houses all over the city? What do you know about her?”

I was so taken aback by her picture that I couldn’t speak. “Well,” said the policeman, “I’m waiting.”

When I was finally able to speak, I said, “I met this woman yesterday. Her name is Jessica. I really don’t know much about her, though. I only met her yesterday. She seemed nice enough to me. I had no reason to think otherwise. She was open and friendly. She told me about her family and about things she liked to do. It’s hard for me to believe that she could do such a thing. Looking at her, it’s still hard for me to believe.”

“Looks can be deceiving,” the officer said.

I fell silent again as the officer continued filling out his report.

Desmond Ageratte · Answer

Thanks GuyD! You've help me a lot.

GuyD · Answer

Glad to help out. Keep writing.

Story for correction

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