Statement of Purpose

Question

I need some help in writing the statement of purpose, I've started writing but can't go on. Please could anyone tell me am I on the right way or not and give me some advice what to write in and what to add?

Thank you in advance

Here is my Statement of Purpose

Concrete career goals and a desire to deepen my knowledge in photojournalism is the sole motivation behind this application. Below I will briefly describe to you my educational background, give a short overview of my interests and explain how this program corresponds with my professional past and future professional aspirations.

I have been interested in documentary photography for 8 years now. Parallel to my studies at the Faculty of Law which I entered in 2004 I took a course in photo-journalism at the information Agency of Georgia “SAKINFORM”. Later I attended weekly classes in documentary photography at the photography school “SEPIA” (established by Association of Documentary photographers). This course consists of 3 stages and lasts 3 years. Since documentary photography is inseparable from journalism I had decided to apply for MA program in journalism at the Caucasus Media School of the Caucasus University where I was admitted in May 2009. My study was supported by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation’s local scholarship, which funds emergent journalists in Georgia.

On my course assignments I have taken many photos and have worked on several projects. My recent photo-report about refugee children living in a building of a former Pedagogical College won the third prize as a best social report on the Photo Contest ‘Kolga’ in May 2010. (invalid link removed by moderator)

The knowledge and experience which I had already gained helped me to realize how difficult it is to do a good project and how many things a person should know. The most difficult and challenging obstacle for me is to project unbiased and unpolished ‘reproduction’ of reality. Sometimes I’m a witness of reality which becomes my inner reality and sometimes I’m a historian, who is capturing the very moment of life. A snapshot is becoming the moment of truth and I feel huge responsibility to be fair, make a correct observation and catch the right moment so that the content itself does not get distorted.

My aim is to gain experience which will enable me to visualize the exact description of an event. It’s very important for me to learn how to transmit my vision without losing the sense of ‘reality’ and show the problem in all its aspects through photographs. I want to carry responsibility of a photojournalist and master how to blend my vision with ‘reality’ and achieve the correct result which is so needed nowadays.

And I found University of Westminster where I can gain such knowledge. University of Westminster, with its long tradition, interdisciplinary and a multicultural environment is a perfect institution for me to achieve all these. Moreover, while reading the curriculum of the program I got assured that School of Media, Arts and Design will give the exact knowledge, that is inevitable for professional photojournalist.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Hi, I am quite busy at the moment, but I will provide some quick comments. I am hoping others come to assist you as well.

Here are some posts if you haven't already seen them that might help you.

Here are some posts you should review. These posts will give you some ideas on the structure of your letter.

Concrete career goals and a desire to deepen my knowledge in photojournalism is the sole motivation behind this application. Below I will briefly describe to you my educational background, give a short overview of my interests and explain how this program corresponds with my professional past and future professional aspirations.

I would strengthen your opening paragraph. You want to become a photojournalist. Great. Just say something like, "I would like to apply to blah blah blah to become a photojournalist. My career goal/objective/aspiration is to do X."

I have been interested in documentary photography for 8 (always write out numbers less than or equal to ten) years ~~now~~. Parallel to my studies at the Faculty of Law which I entered in 2004 I took a course in photo-journalism at the information Agency of Georgia “SAKINFORM”. Later I attended weekly classes in documentary photography at the photography school “SEPIA” (established by Association of Documentary photographers). This course consists of 3 three stages and lasts 3x years. Since documentary photography is inseparable from journalism I had decided to apply for MA program in journalism at the Caucasus Media School of the Caucasus University where I was admitted in May 2009. My study was supported by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation’s local scholarship, which funds emergent journalists in Georgia. This paragraph can be tightened up.

On my course assignments I have taken many photos and have worked on several projects. My recent photo-report about refugee children living in a building of a former Pedagogical College won the third prize as a best social report on the Photo Contest ‘Kolga’ in May 2010 (link removed by moderator). (If you are submitting a portfolio with your application, then great. However, in your letter, people won't have time to go browsing the internet. So I would delete your url reference. Or, if you feel it is absolutely critical, I'd include in a footnote.)

The knowledge and experience which I had already gained helped me to realize how difficult it is to do a good project and how many things a person should know. The most difficult and challenging obstacle for me is to project unbiased and unpolished ‘reproduction’ of reality. Sometimes I’m (stay away from contractions...I am) a witness of reality which becomes my inner reality and sometimes I’m a historian, who is capturing the very moment of life. A snapshot is becoming the moment of truth and I feel huge responsibility to be fair, make a correct observation and catch the right moment so that the content itself does not get distorted.

This above paragraph lacks punch. Try to write with an active voice. Without thinking, here's how I might approach your paragraph above (you can do better than my version).

I am passionate about capturing an unbiased and unvarnished version of reality. I want to capture the critical information without becoming part of the story. In essence, I want to take viewers along with me to witness the scene. I want my picture to capture grab the viewers attention and make them think about what they are seeing. In essence, I want to create images that leave a visceral impression. (Perhaps that's going overboard? Anybody can take a snapshot. A photojournalist though is much better. He or she eliminates the extraneous information and focuses the viewers attention to the critical elements, just as good writers do with their written work.)

My aim is to gain experience which will enable me to visualize the exact description of an event. It’s very important for me to learn how to transmit my vision without losing the sense of ‘reality’ and show the problem in all its aspects through photographs. I want to carry responsibility of a photojournalist and master how to blend my vision with ‘reality’ and achieve the correct result which is so needed nowadays.

Not being a photojournalist, but one know enjoys playing with ƒ stops, there is no reality. Reality is only an imaginary concept. The best you can do is to show a scene. The camera itself is incapable of capturing reality. First, colors are never true. Second, your lens selection will never equal what another person migth see. Third, camera show 2-d where live is 4-d (3d plus time). But you didn't come here to read my interpretation on photography. However, I am providing some caution on reality. If you want to stick with your thought process, your paragraph should be strengthened. At present, it is too vague. By that I mean, if you gave that paragraph to ten different people, would they all interpret it the same way? If no, it's too vague.

And I found University of Westminster where I can gain such knowledge. University of Westminster, with its long tradition, interdisciplinary and a multicultural environment is a perfect institution for me to achieve all these. Moreover, while reading the curriculum of the program I got assured that School of Media, Arts and Design will give the exact knowledge, that is inevitable for professional photojournalist. (This paragraph would apply to any photojournalism school. Why did you choose that ONE? These paragraphs are always the most difficult. Try to find your real reasons without kissing their behind. Again, these paragraphs are tough.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi tako_roba;

I will restrict my comments to grammar and vocabulary, not content or organization. MH has given you some good steers on improving those aspects of your letter.

Regards,
A-

s

Concrete career goals and a desire to deepen my knowledge in photojournalism is (You have a plural subject and singular verb. The predicate does not agree, either. ) the sole motivation behind this application. Below I will briefly describe to you my educational background, give a short overview of my interests and explain how this (no clear antecedent) program corresponds with my professional past and future professional aspirations.

I have been interested in documentary photography for 8 (it is better to spell out numbers in formal writing) years now. Parallel to (Parallel to generally refers to a spatial context, temporal contexts are "in conjunction with", or " at the same time as" "contemporaneously with") my studies at the Faculty of Law, which I entered in 2004, (a nonrestrictive clause is set off by commas) I took a course in photo-journalism (You have spelled this word two different ways, at least be consistent) at the information Agency of Georgia “SAKINFORM” (Put the acronym in parentheses). Later I attended weekly classes in documentary photography at the photography school “SEPIA” (established by Association of Documentary photographers) (this is a full clause that should be part of the sentence, not in parentheses). This course consists of 3 (it is better to spell out numbers in formal writing) stages and lasts 3 (it is better to spell out numbers in formal writing) years. Since documentary photography is inseparable from journalism, I ~~had~~ decided to apply for MA program in journalism at the Caucasus Media School of the Caucasus University where I was admitted in May 2009. My study was supported by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation’s local scholarship, which funds emergent journalists in Georgia.

On For my course assignments I have taken many photos and have worked on several projects. My recent photo-report (photo essay is a better term accepted in the field of photojournalism) about refugee children living in a building of a former Pedagogical College won the third prize as a best social report in on the Photo Contest ‘Kolga’ in May 2010. (link removed by moderator)

The knowledge and experience which I have ~~had~~ already gained helped me to realize (has given me an appreciation of) how difficult it is to do a good project and how many things a person should know. The most difficult and challenging obstacle for me is to project an unbiased and unpolished ("unvarnished" might be a better choice. Unpolished has the implication of unfinished, unsophisticated; unvarnished means "not doctored, honest, raw" ) ‘reproduction’ of reality. Sometimes I’m (It is best to avoid contractions in formal writing) a witness to of reality which becomes my inner reality and sometimes I’m a historian, who is capturing the very moment of life (in time) . A snapshot ~~is becoming~~ becomes a ~~the~~ moment of truth and I feel a huge (profound) responsibility to be fair, make a correct(an accurate) observation and catch the right moment so that the content itself does not get distorted.

My aim is to gain experience which will enable me to visualize (capture? visualize is to imagine it) the exact description of an event. It’s very important for me to learn how to transmit (express) my vision without losing the sense of ‘reality’ and show a ~~the~~ problem in all its aspects through photographs. I want to carry (bear, shoulder) the responsibility of a photojournalist and master how to blend my vision with ‘reality’ and achieve the correct (unadulterated, honest) result which is so needed nowadays.

And I found that the University of Westminster is where I can gain such knowledge. The University of Westminster, with its long tradition, interdisciplinary and a multicultural environment is a perfect institution for me to achieve all these (aspirations/goals / desires) . Moreover, while reading the curriculum of the program I was ~~got~~ assured that the School of Media, Arts and Design will give the exact knowledge, (no comma) that is inevitable (one of these is better: required, necessary, essential, indispensable) for a professional photojournalist.

Tako_roba · Answer

dear AlpheccaStars,
Thank you very much for your help. Now I am trying to write a new draft and I will consider all of your and MH's advices. Both of you helped me really much. Now I understood how I should write.
Please if you have time check my second draft too.

thank you very very much
Sincerely
Tako

Tako_roba · Answer

dear friends,
I wrote new draft of my Statement of purpose, please check it once more, because your advices helped me very much.

Thank you in advance

I am applying for a Master’s program in Photojournalism starting in September 2011. My objective is to get the academic background and experience which will help me to go further in professional photojournalism.

I have been interested in Photography for almost ten years. While I was studying at the Faculty of Law, which I entered in 2004, I took a course in photo-journalism at the information Agency of Georgia SAKINFORM. For three years I attended weekly classes in documentary photography at the photography school SEPIA established by Association of Documentary photographers of . During the course I participated in several group exhibitions.

In May 2009 I was admitted at the of the for MA program in journalism. My current study at the is funded by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation’s local scholarship. I have learnt much from this course but I still lack academic knowledge and experience in photojournalism. Unfortunately there is no other university in which can provide higher and up to-date knowledge in photojournalism.

I am passionate about capturing an unbiased and unvarnished version of truth. My aim is to capture the critical information without becoming part of the story and take viewers along with me to witness the scene. I want to create images that leave a visceral impression. That’s why I decided to apply to . I hope that taking an MA course in photojournalism at your university will make it possible for me to achieve my goal.

I have got acquainted with the curriculum of the MA in photojournalism which is really very interesting, because it covers all the fundamental areas which are of great importance for any photojournalist. This course encompasses more aspects required for creating a complete photo-essay which would appeal to its viewers than any other course at the universities I have found on the internet. Besides that I have heard much praise of your university form my Spanish friend who received MA in Documentary photography and Photojournalism from London College of Communication about 3 years ago. And I have also seen your former students’ works and I want to as much or more.

As for my work experience, in March 2009 I worked with Norwegian Refugee Council. For the NRC Education project I took photographs of ??isplaced children in 5 regions of . From May till December 2010 I worked for Dvv International (The Institute for International Cooperation of the German Adult Education Association) as a Photography tutor in project supporting the socio-economic integration of IDPs and as a photographer in projects of 2010. For two years now I have been working as a photographer for K. Marjanishvili State Academic Theatre. The Photos are used for advertising and theatre archive. In March 2010 my collegue and I where assigned to take photographs of the Marjanishvili Theatre actors beyond the theatre and since October 2010 there is an exhibition of STARS IN NON-TRADITIONAL SPACE in the theatre lounge. In addition to this I take photos for the annual international festival of theatre from 2009.

At the same time I have worked on the independent projects. In 2010 I completed my project “Refugee Children”, on which I worked after the Russia-Georgian war of 2008. This project won third prize for the best social project on the Georgian photo contest “Kolga” in May 2010.

For last four months I’ve been working on the project “Zardiantkarians – Refugees without the Status of a refugee”. The population of this village was forced to leave their homes after the war. Although these people have been left homeless for almost three years, their situation is still unclear. Village Zardiaankari is an uncontrolled zone, Georgian side is unable to enter it. At the same time it is not officially stated as an occupied territory. That is why the government can neither guarantee safe return of the population to their homes nor give them the status of refugees. In case I fulfill this photo-essay successfully it will published in the magazine LIBERALI.

In future I am determined to pursue a career of a freelance photojournalist. As you know is a post-conflict country. In our era of information overload when it comes to remembering an event, whether political or social, photography is one of the most powerful tools. There are many problematic issues in . After completing the course at your University I am planning to make a photo-essay about people living in villages bordering with the occupied regions of Georgia – Abkhazia and . I would also like to illustrate the good will of multinational families living in Georgia – Azerbaijanian-Armenian, Russian-Georgian and others whose countries are in conflict. There is no more space for detailed explanation of my future goals.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi;
You have not fixed some of the problems I mentioned in an earlier post. Since I spent a lot of time on the prior review, this time I will only highlight the areas that need attention. Remember that this is formal, not informal, writing.

I am applying for a Master’s program in
Photojournalism starting in September 2011. My objective is to get the academic
background and experience which will help me to go further in professional
photojournalism.

I have been interested in Photography for almost
ten years. While I was studying at the Faculty of Law, which I entered in 2004,
I took a course in photo-journalism at the information Agency of Georgia
SAKINFORM. For three years I attended weekly classes in documentary photography
at the photography school SEPIA established by Association of Documentary
photographers of Georgia.
During the course I participated in several group exhibitions.

In May 2009 I was admitted at the Caucasus Media
School of the Caucasus University
for MA program in journalism. My current study at the Caucasus University
is funded by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation’s local scholarship. I have learnt
much from this course but I still lack academic knowledge and experience in
photojournalism. Unfortunately there is no other university in Georgia
which can provide higher and up to-date knowledge in photojournalism.

I am passionate about capturing an unbiased and
unvarnished version of truth. My aim is to capture the critical information
without becoming part of the story and take viewers along with me to witness
the scene. I want to create images that leave a visceral impression. That’s why
I decided to apply to Westminster
University. I hope that
taking an MA course in photojournalism at your university will make it possible
for me to achieve my goal.

I have got acquainted with the curriculum of
the MA in photojournalism which is really very interesting, because it covers all the fundamental areas which are of
great importance for any photojournalist. This course encompasses more aspects
required for creating a complete photo-essay which would appeal to its viewers
than any other course at the universities I have found on the internet. Besides
that I have heard much praise of your university form my Spanish friend who
received MA in Documentary photography and Photojournalism from London College
of Communication about 3 years ago. And I have also seen your former students’
works and I want to as much or more.

As for my work experience, in March 2009 I worked with Norwegian Refugee Council.
For the NRC Education project I took photographs of ??isplaced children in 5
regions of Georgia.
From May till December 2010 I worked for Dvv International (The Institute for
International Cooperation of the German Adult Education Association) as a
Photography tutor in project supporting the socio-economic integration of IDPs
and as a photographer in projects of 2010. For two years now I have been working
as a photographer for K. Marjanishvili State Academic Theatre. The Photos are
used for advertising and theatre archive.
In March 2010 my collegue and I where assigned to take photographs of
the Marjanishvili Theatre actors beyond the theatre and since October 2010
there is an exhibition of STARS IN NON-TRADITIONAL SPACE in the theatre lounge.
In addition to this I take photos for the annual Tbilisi international festival of theatre
from 2009.

At the same time I have worked on the
independent projects. In 2010 I completed
my project “Refugee Children”, on which I worked after the Russia-Georgian war of
2008. This project won third prize for the best social project on the Georgian
photo contest “Kolga” in May 2010.
For last four months I’ve been working on the
project “Zardiantkarians – Refugees without the Status of a refugee”. The
population of this village was forced to leave their homes after the war. Although these people have been left homeless
for almost three years, their situation is still unclear. Village Zardiaankari is an uncontrolled zone, Georgian
side is unable to enter it. At the same
time it is not officially stated as an occupied territory. That is why the
government can neither guarantee safe return of the population to their homes
nor give them the status of refugees. In case I fulfill this photo-essay
successfully it will published in the magazine LIBERALI.
In future I am determined to pursue
a career of a freelance photojournalist. As you know Georgia is a post-conflict country.
In our era of information overload when it comes to remembering an
event, whether political or social, photography is one of the most powerful
tools. There are many
problematic issues in Georgia.
After completing the course at your University I am planning to make a
photo-essay about people living in villages bordering with the occupied regions
of Georgia – Abkhazia and Ossetia. I would
also like to illustrate the good will of multinational families living in
Georgia – Azerbaijanian-Armenian, Russian-Georgian and others whose countries
are in conflict. There is no more space for detailed explanation of my future
goals.

Tako_roba · Answer

Dear AlpheccaStars,
In a harry I just did't read the statement carefully that's why I had some unfixed ares.
Now I fixed the hilighted ares, but didn't understand some of them. Please if you have time explain what mistakes are there.

Thank you very much

I am applying for a Master’s program in Photojournalism starting in September 2011. My objective is to get the academic background and experience which will help me to go further in professional photojournalism.

I have been interested in photography for almost ten years. While I was studying at the Faculty of Law, which I entered in 2004, I took a course in photojournalism at the information Agency of Georgia SAKINFORM. For three years I attended weekly classes in documentary photography at the photography school SEPIA established by Association of Documentary

Photographers of . During the course I participated in several group exhibitions.

In May 2009 I was admitted at the of the for MA program in journalism. My current study at the is funded by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation’s local scholarship. I have learnt much from this course but I still lack academic knowledge and experience in photojournalism. Unfortunately there is no other university in which can provide higher and up to-date knowledge in photojournalism.

I am passionate about capturing an unbiased and unvarnished version of truth. My aim is to capture the critical information without becoming part of the story and take viewers along with me to witness the scene. I want to create images that leave a visceral impression. That is why I decided to apply to . I hope that taking an MA course in photojournalism at your university will make it possible for me to achieve my goal.

I have got acquainted with the curriculum of the MA in photojournalism which is really very interesting, because it covers all the fundamental areas which are of great importance for any photojournalist. This course encompasses more aspects required for creating a complete photo essay which would appeal to its viewers than any other course at the universities I have found on the internet. Besides that, I have heard much praise of your university from my Spanish friend who received MA in Documentary photography and Photojournalism from London College of Communication about 3 years ago. And I have also seen your former students’ works and I want to do as much or more.

As for my work experience, in March 2009 I worked for Norwegian Refugee Council. For the NRC Education project I took photographs of internally displaced children in 5 regions of . From May to December 2010 I worked for Dvv International (The Institute for International Cooperation of the German Adult Education Association) as a photography tutor in project supporting the socio-economic integration of IDPs and as a photographer in projects of 2010. For two years now I have been working as a photographer for K. Marjanishvili State Academic Theatre. The photos are used for advertising and theatre archive. In March 2010 my collegue and I were assigned to take photographs of the Marjanishvili Theatre actors beyond the theatre and since October 2010 there is an exhibition of STARS IN NON-TRADITIONAL SPACE in the theatre lounge. In addition to this I take photos for the annual international festival of theatre from 2009.

At the same time I have worked on independent projects. In 2010 I completed my project “Refugee Children”, on which I worked after the Russia-Georgian war of 2008. This project won third prize for the best social project on the Georgian photo contest “Kolga” in May 2010.

For last four months I have been working on the project “Zardiantkarians – Refugees without the Status of a refugee”. The population of this village was forced to leave their homes after the war. Although these people have been left homeless for almost three years, their situation is still unclear. Village Zardiaankari is an uncontrolled zone, Georgian side is unable to enter it. At the same time it is not officially stated as an occupied territory. That is why the government can neither guarantee safe return of the population to their homes nor give them the status of refugees. In case I fulfill this photo essay successfully it will published in the magazine LIBERALI.

In future I am determined to pursue a career of a freelance photojournalist. As you know is a post-conflict country. In our era of information overload when it comes to remembering an event, whether political or social, photography is one of the most powerful tools. There are many problematic issues in . After completing the course at your University I am planning to make a photo essay about people living in villages bordering with the occupied regions of Georgia – Abkhazia and . I would also like to illustrate the good will of multinational families living in Georgia – Azerbaijanian-Armenian, Russian-Georgian and others whose countries are in conflict. There is no more space for detailed explanation of my future goals.

Tako_roba · Answer

I am applying for a Master’s program in Photojournalism starting in September 2011. My objective is to get the academic background and experience which will help me to go further in professional photojournalism.

I have been interested in photography for almost ten years. While I was studying at the Faculty of Law, which I entered in 2004, I took a course in photojournalism at the information Agency of Georgia SAKINFORM. For three years I attended weekly classes in documentary photography at the photography school SEPIA established by Association of Documentary

Photographers of . During the course I participated in several group exhibitions.

In May 2009 I was admitted at the of the for MA program in journalism. My current study at the is funded by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation’s local scholarship. I have learnt much from this course but I still lack academic knowledge and experience in photojournalism. Unfortunately there is no other university in which can provide higher and up to-date knowledge in photojournalism.

I am passionate about capturing an unbiased and unvarnished version of truth. My aim is to capture the critical information without becoming part of the story and take viewers along with me to witness the scene. I want to create images that leave a visceral impression. That is why I decided to apply to . I hope that taking an MA course in photojournalism at your university will make it possible for me to achieve my goal.

I have got acquainted with the curriculum of the MA in photojournalism which is really very interesting, because it covers all the fundamental areas which are of great importance for any photojournalist. This course encompasses more aspects required for creating a complete photo essay which would appeal to its viewers than any other course at the universities I have found on the internet. Besides that, I have heard much praise of your university from my Spanish friend who received MA in Documentary photography and Photojournalism from London College of Communication about 3 years ago. And I have also seen your former students’ works and I want to do as much or more.

As for my work experience, in March 2009 I worked for Norwegian Refugee Council. For the NRC Education project I took photographs of internally displaced children in 5 regions of . From May to December 2010 I worked for Dvv International (The Institute for International Cooperation of the German Adult Education Association) as a photography tutor in project supporting the socio-economic integration of IDPs and as a photographer in projects of 2010. For two years now I have been working as a photographer for K. Marjanishvili State Academic Theatre. The photos are used for advertising and theatre archive. In March 2010 my collegue and I were assigned to take photographs of the Marjanishvili Theatre actors beyond the theatre and since October 2010 there is an exhibition of STARS IN NON-TRADITIONAL SPACE in the theatre lounge. In addition to this I take photos for the annual international festival of theatre from 2009.

At the same time I have worked on independent projects. In 2010 I completed my project “Refugee Children”, on which I worked after the Russia-Georgian war of 2008. This project won third prize for the best social project on the Georgian photo contest “Kolga” in May 2010.

For last four months I have been working on the project “Zardiantkarians – Refugees without the Status of a refugee”. The population of this village was forced to leave their homes after the war. Although these people have been left homeless for almost three years, their situation is still unclear. Village Zardiaankari is an uncontrolled zone, Georgian side is unable to enter it. At the same time it is not officially stated as an occupied territory. That is why the government can neither guarantee safe return of the population to their homes nor give them the status of refugees. In case I fulfill this photo essay successfully it will published in the magazine LIBERALI.

In future I am determined to pursue a career of a freelance photojournalist. As you know is a post-conflict country. In our era of information overload when it comes to remembering an event, whether political or social, photography is one of the most powerful tools. There are many problematic issues in . After completing the course at your University I am planning to make a photo essay about people living in villages bordering with the occupied regions of Georgia – Abkhazia and . I would also like to illustrate the good will of multinational families living in Georgia – Azerbaijanian-Armenian, Russian-Georgian and others whose countries are in conflict. There is no more space for detailed explanation of my future goals.

MountainHiker · Answer

I echo AlpheccaStars's comments.

In reading your letter quickly, I still get the impression that it could be tightened. That is, with a stronger focus.

Move away from a story telling letter to more of short, concise letter.

Please create another version.

Tako_roba · Answer

Dear MH,

Thank you again for looking at my Statement. You are right it have to be shortend becuase I only can write 4000 characters with space and I still have 4881. Could you please tell me a bit precisely is the structure right or should I rewrite the whole statement. I just don't know what to delete.

I’m very sorry if I am disturbing you too much.

MountainHiker · Answer

In looking at your letter, it's hard to begin saying what to cut without getting into rewriting your letter.

What you want to do is eliminate duplicative or repetitive information. Ask yourself, does this sentence or paragraph add a lot of value? If not, remove it.

Perhaps, let's look at another student's recent letter:

Although a different field of study, the writing concepts remain the same.

I wish to apply to the Master of XX program at XX University for the 2011 autumn term. This program is a concrete step towards my future career as a businessperson who understands and appreciates science and technology. My ultimate career objective is to hold a management position in banking or a consulting company in XX.

Very straightforward. I want to do this. Ultimately, I want to do that.

In 2010, I earned a bachelor degree with a specialization in industrial engineering from XX University in XX. Benefiting from the broad nature of industrial engineering, I have been exposed to a wide range of subjects from business to technology. Having studied the specialized courses, I have acquired the basic skills of systematic research, analytical thinking and information evaluation. Most importantly, they provided me with insight into business management combining with engineering science.

There is some vague material in this paragraph. However, it tells the reader what skills she acquired.

I was typically among the top three students in my classes. Furthermore, I was honoured to be the only student of my department who won the Excellent Bachelor Thesis of XX University. I studied handling technology innovation of XX Port, which is the world's largest coal export. While writing my thesis, I personally went to the loading and unloading locations to collect the data. In my thesis, I referred to more than sixty key technical articles. After my thorough and creative analysis, I recommended a novel solution resulting in increasing valuable production time of about one hour per day.

In this paragraph, she indicated her strengths and accomplishments. Most importantly, however, when she indicated a strength or accomplishment, she proved it by an example. This is the toughest thing to teach writers. If you say something, back it up with facts or quantify it somehow.

After graduating, I was selected as an Erasmus Mundus exchange student at the postgraduate programme XX. By studying at the programme, I became conversant with standard business practices and gained a deeper appreciation of the investment framework in the EU. I especially enjoyed Professor XX's lectures because they strengthened my understanding on economic analysis. After six months of intensive study, I passed all my twelve exams, with a grade of 20/20 in tax law and the highest mark in the other two courses.

Aside from the favourable learning environment of XX University, I most enjoyed its academic freedoms and active pluralism. With permission, I attended some management courses. These courses broadened my view of techniques of managerial accounting and management strategy. Moreover, I attended many academic activities, such as lectures and debates, which served to further my interest in business and economics. Equally important, I had the opportunity to raise challenging questions to internationally known scholars.

These two paragraphs are once again demonstrating her interest toward her new career path.

Apart from my studies, I acted as a student leader at our student union and volunteered in other activities such as Beijing Olympic Games. Also, I worked as a teaching assistant to Professor XX and assistant of manager in the summer internship at XX Company. Through these experiences, I strengthened my interpersonal skills by working with fellow team members and others.

Some extracurricular stuff to round out the personality.

There are four key reasons why I want to study at this program. First, I selected your program because of its primary focus on business with the expectation that students already possess a strong understanding of science. Second, Mr. XX, a fellow student of the program, has provided me with his thoughts about the program. From our conversations, I became excited to learn about the courses such as advanced marketing. Third, I wish to grow to be a manager who can combine the science of technology with the art of management. And last, Professor XX, who is the teacher of my mentor XX, encouraged me to study at XX Univeristy, where he has worked for ten years. I am thankful for his thoughtfulness and friendship.

Thank you for your attention and consideration. I look forward to your acceptance.

Closing stuff. Nothing particularly noteworthy, but reasonably solid, nonetheless.

As you look over the letter, it flows reasonably well. Many or most of the adverbs and adjectives have been removed. Where possible, things are quantified or supported. The entire letter points to her desire and her goals.

One thing I noticed in your response to AlpheccaStars is that you mentioned your hurried.

In a harry I just did't read the statement carefully that's why I had some unfixed ares.
Now I fixed the hilighted ares, but didn't understand some of them. Please if you have time explain what mistakes are there.

That's a killer. You need to provide us with your ~best~ version. Reading and correcting these letters is surprisingly time consuming and difficult. Whlie I won't speak for AlpheccaStars, I lose interest when others show less than their full effort. My time is valuable. Please don't misuse it.

So with that, I urge you to return to your letter and give some serious thought and consideration as to how you want to improve it. If your letter frustrates and makes you angry, that's good. You will eventually break through. When you have another version that represents your best effort, please post it back here. And then we'll look at it again.

Statement of Purpose

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