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Ant_222 Posted 20 years ago
Grammar

Star Heritage::translation, part I

Hi everybody. This is the first part of the translation of Star Heritage. Hereby I ask everybody to help me correct the texts.

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It's been a hard landing. The life-boat crashed into a steep mountainside and split. Muffled in the shock cocoon, I rolled down into the thiket of thorny bush.

I lied motionless for several minutes, all my body aching. It was hard to breath. Having hardly got off the cocoon, I stood up. I felt sick and dizzy, but, strangely enough, I was intact.

I looked around. To the east and south half the sky was obstructed by steep greyish green rocks. Swamps spead to the east. A breeze brought obnoxious smells of bad water. In the north, near the very horizon, I noted the line of a forest.

Some more hours I rested on a huge flat boulder heated by the local sun. My vigours gradually restored. I looked at the sun hiding behind the rocks and thought of nothing.

I didn't notice the darkness come. First stars appeared in the sky. It became cold, and I wrapped myself in the remains of the shock cocoon. A night bird shouted somewhere, and an resonant echo sweeped over the rocks.

The night passed very soon. A huge red disk of the local sun was raising in the east. By the morning I had frozen. Very near, right behind my ear, snarled some best. I had no time to turn round...

I settled on the same boulder. Time passed quickly.

After several hours, I was again at the place where my life-boat had fallen.

I chose a dry place and decided to have a rest.

I had to be careful when walking at night. Suddenly I falled into a deep pit, filled with smelly water. Cold waves closed over my head.

The swamp, to which I had turned, spread far to the east. Further south, in a mist, muddy waters of a lake reached the very horizon. I could in no way cross it. To the south were the same rocks.

I walked across the swamp, which reached from the east to the west. From the south, right up to the swamp, approached rocks. In the north shined and shimmered in the sun the dying lake.

I chose a little clearing to take a deep breath. The air was full of strange, narcoting odours of the flowers, that grew not far away. I felt sleepy.

When I woke up, all my body was enveloped by long thorny braches of the bush, near which I had lied down. I even couldn't move a finger. The vampire bush, having stuck his branches to my body, drank my blood.

I rushed through the bush to the north. Hard spiky branches clang at my legs and swithced my face. But I didn't draw attention to that: I was hurried to get to the already nearby forest.

This time I overcame the bushes quite easily. Seems, these plants live on the meat of small animals. In one branchy bush I found the bare bones of a small bird.

This area was familliar to me. I went through the bushwood quickly and without problems.

Having chosen a safe place, I decided to have a rest. Several hours passed quickly. What lies beyond? - For an ump-teeth time I asked myself.

The forest met me with the rustle of leaves, screech of birds and cries of animals. No sooner had I walked a few meters, a big black cat jumped on me from above and stuck her claws into my neck.

My vigors were weak. I felt I coudln't win in this fight. The sharp fangs of the beast ripped my body.

My opponent produced the last cry and falled sideways. Now I could carefully examine it. It was a panther of enormous size. Black hair covered it's muscular body. I couldn't believe I had won this difficult fight.

Everything here was as before. The forest dwellers led their own life, hidden from strangers. I had to go round gigantic ant hills and hardy surmount old dry trees felt by the wind.

1. Where am I?
2. System diagnostics
3. Find the berarings of local radio sources.

Planet system wasn't found in the database.

Fatal malfunctions found in the life providing system.

An unknown source of radiowaves detected in the north-east.
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Top answer

Errors and comments in blue. Have you deliberately chosen a style of mainly very short sentences? It makes the story very choppy.

  • Errors and comments in blue.
  • Have you deliberately chosen a style of mainly very short sentences?
  • It makes the story very choppy.
  • Parts of the story are missing!
  • Very exciting though...
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5 Answers
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Errors and comments in blue. Have you deliberately chosen a style of mainly very short sentences? It makes the story very choppy. Also, good style generally says that you should vary your paragraph length.Parts of the story are missing! Very exciting though...

It's been a hard landing. The life-boat crashed into a steep mountainside and split. Muffled in the shock cocoon, I rolled down in
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First of all, thank you very mush for your help, Nona!

«Have you deliberately chosen a style of mainly very short sentences? It makes the story very choppy. Also, good style generally says that you should vary your paragraph length.Parts of the story are missing!»

That's a translation of an old Russian text adventure for ZX Spectrum 128 (Pentagon) computer. By the way, 128 is th
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I used to have a ZX Spectrum! I understand what you are doing now and the limitations on the text. (My favourite game was The Hobbit.)

«To the east and south half the view of the sky was obstructed by steep greyish green rocks.»
Is «the view of» really necessary here? Rocks can't really obstruct the sky itself can they, only your view. How about 'obscur
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Many thanks for your explenations...

Below are my new questions:

«Rocks can't really obstruct the sky itself can they, only your view. How about 'obscured' instead of obstructed.»

I think they can... My opinion is that to obstruct an object means to break the line of sight between the object and the observer. Am I not right?

EDIT: Yeah, I have reconsidered. «Ob
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Hey, Nona! Or somebody! I still need your help...

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