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Naked chef Posted 12 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Snapshot on Social groups work
Dear all,
I'd be grateful if you could check my English?
Here it is:
On Universal Children Day; 20th November’2013, (org Name) and 9 different community groups collaboratively organised the funfair from 1pm to 6pm at (Place). The aim of the fair is to make children happy and to encourage youth to improve team-working spirit among different social groups. They opened the fair with group singing a song of “We are the world” and ***********gave opening speech then.
After that, different groups presented their movement for community development. At the same time there were fund raising activities at their sale boots: selling foods, drinks, caricature, face painting and playing games for the children. Children participated in it very happily.
In addition, there was also the interview programme among audiences (children& adults) on their opinion of the fair. The fair ended with group singing a song of “Heal the world”.
As the post-event, each participated groups put a certain amount of money from this fair and organised short fun-trip including breakfast and lunch for the children from the project areas on 15th December 2013 to (Places), (**) Museum, ** playground and playing game with these children at People square and People Park.
This effort gained that youths from different groups are getting friendlier and toward the wider range of network and this event also gave the deprived children from different places a chance to meet each other.
Thanks in advance
Naked Chef
I'd be grateful if you could check my English?
Here it is:
On Universal Children Day; 20th November’2013, (org Name) and 9 different community groups collaboratively organised the funfair from 1pm to 6pm at (Place). The aim of the fair is to make children happy and to encourage youth to improve team-working spirit among different social groups. They opened the fair with group singing a song of “We are the world” and ***********gave opening speech then.
After that, different groups presented their movement for community development. At the same time there were fund raising activities at their sale boots: selling foods, drinks, caricature, face painting and playing games for the children. Children participated in it very happily.
In addition, there was also the interview programme among audiences (children& adults) on their opinion of the fair. The fair ended with group singing a song of “Heal the world”.
As the post-event, each participated groups put a certain amount of money from this fair and organised short fun-trip including breakfast and lunch for the children from the project areas on 15th December 2013 to (Places), (**) Museum, ** playground and playing game with these children at People square and People Park.
This effort gained that youths from different groups are getting friendlier and toward the wider range of network and this event also gave the deprived children from different places a chance to meet each other.
Thanks in advance
Naked Chef
Top answer
Hi. You are trying to say too many things in each sentence. I advise writers to keep to 'one idea per sentence'.
- Hi.
- You are trying to say too many things in each sentence.
- I advise writers to keep to 'one idea per sentence'.
- I've rewritten some of it for you below, but I'm not sure I've got your meaning exactly.
- On Universal Children’s Day, 20th November 2013, (org name) and 9 other community groups organised a funfair at (Place).
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1 Answers
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Hi.
You are trying to say too many things in each sentence. I advise writers to keep to 'one idea per sentence'. I've rewritten some of it for you below, but I'm not sure I've got your meaning exactly.
On Universal Children’s Day, 20th November 2013, (org name) and 9 other community groups organised a funfair at (Place). The aim of the fair was to encourage youths to impro
You are trying to say too many things in each sentence. I advise writers to keep to 'one idea per sentence'. I've rewritten some of it for you below, but I'm not sure I've got your meaning exactly.
On Universal Children’s Day, 20th November 2013, (org name) and 9 other community groups organised a funfair at (Place). The aim of the fair was to encourage youths to impro
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