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Hi,I've been working on a short story for a creative writing class, and I was wondering if I could get your opinions on a few matters relating to grammar and style. Here are a couple of passages from the story that I'm a little uncertain about:1. "Kaz-zan jabbed the butt of his lance into the snow impatiently. Thetime had come for action, and yet he still had to wait. The leader of the Goth Scouts hated waiting.He jabbed at the ground once again, as if he sought to maim it like an animal. It had been a frustrating day. The Scouts had marched miles that morning, chasing a lone Kingdom soldier they had spotted fleeing Heimdall. They had ultimately caught him near the small wood of silver birch trees they stood in presently, but, although they had wounded him, they had not managed to capture him, allowing him to escape into the wood. The Scouts had combed the wood for the entire evening after that, searching methodically for any trace of the man, but had found nothing. Worse still, they had apparently lost one of their number in the process Leclav, the youngest among them, a Scout of good ability and promise."My question relates to sentence six: "The Scouts had marched miles that morning, chasing a lone Kingdom soldier they had spotted fleeing Heimdall." Is it necessary to write "they 'had' spotted fleeing Heimdall" or is the 'had' unecessary (ie. it's been implied)?2. "Wil watched the small man plod away from them. ?Do you think we cantrust a Norseman, Oberon?? he asked. He knew little about the barbarians of the White Mountains, other than they were the original inhabitants of the Norseland and that they had once fought the men of the Kingdom fiercely when the men had originally landed in the Norseland some twenty years ago."Here, not sure whetther the sentence should be written as "other than THAT...and THAT" or "other than that...and they" or even "other than...and they". I suspect the original writing is wrong, however, because of the "parallel construction" rule.And finally:3. "The man he addressed was old and reed thin, and had a nose so largeand prominent that he had more of the look of a bird than of a man."Technically correct, but the "had more OF the look of a bird than a man" reads a little formally, perhaps.Thanks for your help,K Huddle

Usenet · Accepted Answer

Thus spake crungeman:
[nq:1]Hi, I've been working on a short story for a creative writing class, and I was wondering if I could ... Heimdall." Is it necessary to write "they 'had' spotted fleeing Heimdall" or is the 'had' unecessary (ie. it's been implied)?[/nq]
There are all sorts of other things wrong up there. First, there is the image that marching/ chasing conjures, of Frankenstein's monster plodding after the fleeing Abbot & Costello, yet catching up with them despite their running. Good comical stuff.
Then, how is it that that had "not managed to capture him" and in the next clause they allow him to escape? "Allow" implies volition; that "they had not managed to capture him" implies thwarted volition.
I am ignoring the flight from suburban Trondheim as a suspension of disbelief thing. Just don't sell the story to Scandinavia.

Oh yes, the question: "had" is required.
[nq:1]2. "Wil watched the small man plod away from them. ?Do you think we can trust a Norseman, Oberon?? he ... they" or even "other than...and they". I suspect the original writing is wrong, however, because of the "parallel construction" rule.[/nq]
It's fine the way it is. But who were the original inhabitants of "Norseland"? If you don't know, take out the "original".
[nq:1]And finally: 3. "The man he addressed was old and reed thin, and had a nose so large and prominent ... Technically correct, but the "had more OF the look of a bird than a man" reads a little formally, perhaps.[/nq]
"More the look of... than of..."
Also, "reed-thin" (an adjective) should be hyphenated.
Simon R. Hughes

Usenet · Answer

Cheers, Simon.

Usenet · Answer

Hi,
I've been working on a short story for a creative writing class, and I was wondering if I could get your opinions on a few matters relating to grammar and style. Here are a couple of passages from the story that I'm a little uncertain about:
1. "Kaz-zan jabbed the **** of his lance into the snow impatiently. Thetime had come for action, and yet he still had to wait. The leader of the Goth Scouts hated waiting.
He jabbed at the ground once again, as if he sought to maim it like an animal. It had been a frustrating day. The Scouts had marched miles that morning, chasing a lone Kingdom soldier they had spotted fleeing Heimdall. They had ultimately caught him near the small wood of silver birch trees they stood in presently, but, although they had wounded him, they had not managed to capture him, allowing him to escape into the wood. The Scouts had combed the wood for the entire evening after that, searching methodically for any trace of the man, but had found nothing. Worse still, they had apparently lost one of their number in the process Leclav, the youngest among them, a Scout of good ability and promise."
My question relates to sentence six: "The Scouts had marched miles that morning, chasing a lone Kingdom soldier they had spotted fleeing Heimdall." Is it necessary to write "they 'had' spotted fleeing Heimdall" or is the 'had' unecessary (ie. it's been implied)?
2. "Wil watched the small man plod away from them. ?Do you think we cantrust a Norseman, Oberon?? he asked. He knew little about the barbarians of the White Mountains, other than they were the original inhabitants of the Norseland and that they had once fought the men of the Kingdom fiercely when the men had originally landed in the Norseland some twenty years ago."
Here, not sure whetther the sentence should be written as "other than THAT...and THAT" or "other than that...and they" or even "other than...and they". I suspect the original writing is wrong, however, because of the "parallel construction" rule.
And finally:
3. "The man he addressed was old and reed thin, and had a nose so largeand prominent that he had more of the look of a bird than of a man."

Technically correct, but the "had more OF the look of a bird than a man" reads a little formally, perhaps.
Thanks for your help,
K Huddle

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