Short story excerpt

Hi Everyone,

I would greatly appreciate it if you would give me feedback on the paragraphs below (passage a little long). This is the first part of a story about a boy about to graduate from college. The setting is an Asian city, so you'll find non-English words in italics and maybe some strange-sounding details.

I'm especially concerned about the clarity of the sequence of scenes and whether my prose is too dense/dragging. Kindly also correct my grammar and diction.

Thanks.

Sarcandra

If he had imagined back in high school all the pressures that university life and graduating from it involved, he might have been too intimidated to proceed. From his second-story bedroom window, Mark stared unseeing at the passersby on the street, barely noticing the January chill penetrating his bedroom despite the early afternoon sun. His thoughts were on his college thesis and if he would ever be able to finish it. If he did, defended it well to his thesis panel, and passed his remaining exams and papers, he would graduate at the end of the semester with a degree in computer science. His parents would be pleased; they counted on him to get a high-paying job and help with the family expenses. If he failed, well, he would just have to extend a semester or two. It had happened to countless university students. But he had fought hard to finish his course on time, and not meeting his goal was too painful to consider.

For the past month he had practically lived in a university laboratory with other graduating students, all working round the clock to finish their theses and going home occasionally only to get a change of clothes and ask for additional funds from their parents. He had come home around noon today for those reasons, and also because he missed his family. His mother and two sisters, the only ones home, were delighted to see him. After a quick lunch together, with his mother commenting on how thin he looked and if he got any sleep, he had gone up to his room to pack a few days’ worth of clean clothing.

He had meant to return to campus right away, but he found himself lingering in his room. He turned away now from the window and sat beside his duffel bag on the bed, gazing around him. He shared the room with his brother, who was in high school. The walls were plastered with posters of Justin Bieber and Bea Binene, courtesy of his brother. The room was just big enough to hold the single bed, a one-panel closet brimming with clothes for two people, a free-standing fan, two plastic chairs stacked up when not in use, and a low table on which rested some books, a framed photo of his girlfriend, and his prized second-hand laptop, bought with money he himself had earned working part-time. The apartment had a second, bigger room for his parents and the two girls, still in elementary. Someday he would move them all to a huge house where they could each have their own room. They would buy a complete home entertainment system and another laptop so his brother and sisters wouldn’t have to fight over his. His mother could take a break from making merienda items for their neighbors to order, and maybe his father wouldn’t have to work overtime so often for additional income.

Going to his closet, Mark pulled out a sando and airy shorts, changed his polo shirt and jeans, and hung them over a chair. Pushing his bag aside, he sprawled on the bed and stared at the gray ceiling.

Life, he mused, was an unending series of responsibilities and expectations to fulfill. After years and years in elementary and high school, one proceeded to university, hopefully getting into a good college program, tried to meet class requirements and get good grades to boot, tried to finish and successfully defend a thesis; and then, with barely time to savor the sweet victory of graduation, the job hunt was on, an attempt to sell one’s self to the highest bidder, because there were three younger siblings to see through college and one’s parents weren’t earning enough for all the expenses.

As the eldest child, he was privy to his parents’ struggles to make ends meet. He could still remember secretly vowing, at the age of ten, to earn big as soon as he could after his youngest sister was born, when his parents would talk to each other in low tones about having to buy diapers and milk again. Throughout the fun-filled days of high school and the more rigorous demands of university, this burden had stayed at the back of his mind, cherished and unquestioned, fueling his passion for study and the decision to work simultaneously as a student assistant in college.

He could not pinpoint when people’s expectations of him started to feel overwhelming. Perhaps it was when his girlfriend of three years casually remarked a few months ago that many things would change after his graduation. Her engineering course at the same university took five years to complete, which meant he was graduating a year ahead. She already had great plans for her own career; they had both agreed that it would take years for either of them to be ready for marriage.

Lying on a soft bed for the first time in weeks, Mark suddenly felt very tired. He thought of the computations he had to redo to make his proposed computer program work and the revised report due his thesis adviser the following day. Just one hour, he promised himself. He adjusted the pillow and closed his eyes.