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Usenet Posted 18 years ago
Screenwriting
Setting up a story
There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late and chapter and that. Here's some pages of mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.
FADE IN:
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
NELSON (40) walks out, looking like he slept in his suit.
Nelson's wife, BETH (35) emerges from the doorway after him
glaring her good riddance. She holds their child, a TODDLER, in her arms.
Two BAILIFFS follow her out, carrying a plasma-screen.
DRIVE
Nelson opens his car-door. He reaches in.
He pulls out a child's car-seat.
He places it on the grass beside the drive, eyes locked on
Beth's. 'See what you are doing to me.'
ROAD
Nelson drives out.
INT. CAR - DAY
Nelson looks at his fuel gauge.
ON FUEL GAUGE: It's near empty.
Beside it, on the dashboard is a sticker. It reads, 'Just for today, all bets are off.'
EXT. PETROL STATION - LATER
Nelson pulls his family saloon up to a pump on the forecourt.
INT. KIOSK - LATER
Nelson waits at the front of a queue of IMPATIENT PEOPLE as
the CASHIER looks on her readout.
CASHIER
Sorry, it's not gone through
again.
NELSON
Hang on a tick, I've got my other
card.
The Impatient People roll eyes, sigh and suck their teeth as Nelson walks out of the Kiosk.
EXT. FORECOURT - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson's car pulls out, knocking the car in front, and driving over a planted area bordering the forecourt.
INT. KIOSK
The Cashier and Impatient People watch through the window as Nelson drives out.
MAN IN QUEUE
I got his number-plate. P506 AMV.
The Cashier picks up a phone.
EXT. CARPARK - DAY
A carpark on a light industrial estate. It's deserted for Sunday. Nelson drives into a space.
Nelson gets out.
He opens the back and pulls out a hose and a roll of Duck tape.
INT. CAR - LATER
Nelson holds the end of the hose in the half-opened window
as he winds it up. He gets the hose lightly clamped into the window, and begins sticking lengths of Duck-tape to seal the gap.
Job done, he starts the car. He feels the end of the hose for a few moments. No good. He kills the engine. He slides
across and gets out the passenger side.
BACK OF THE CAR
Nelson winds more Duck tape around where he has stuck the hose into the exhaust.
He gets back in the car, shuts the door.
EXT. CARPARK - LATER
A girl skates quickly away from Nelson's car.
INT. RED CAR - MOMENTS LATER
A DAD (34) sits at the wheel with a coffee, reading a newspaper.
A girl skates up to the window.
GIRL
Dad?
DAD
Yes, darling?
GIRL
There's a guy doing something
sort of weird in his car.
EXT. NELSON'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER
The Dad walks around the car, sees the hose going from the
exhaust to the driver's side.
The Girl skates up behind.
DAD
(to Girl)
Go wait at the car.
GIRL
What's going on?
DAD
Just go back and wait.
The Dad pulls the hose out of the passenger window.
He opens the door.
Nelson is slumped over in his seat, a half-smoked
cigarette
in his hand.
Dad reaches in, switches off the engine, takes the keys.
He dials 999 on his mobile.
DAD (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Ambulance please. And police, I
think. There's a guy here
Okay, thank you.
Nelson coughs.
DAD (CONT'D)
Yes, there's a man here,
unconscious in his car. He's fed
a hose from the exhaust...Yes,
it's the Macro on Kerswell Road,
on the Kerswell industrial
Estate.
NELSON
(eyes shut)
Give me my keys.
DAD
Just a moment, he's asking for
his keys. Yes. He's
conscious and asking for his keys
Okay.
(to Nelson)
You're going to be fine. There's
someone coming to help.
Nelson opens his eyes.
NELSON
Can I have my keys back, please?
DAD
What's your name?
INT. RED CAR - CONTINUOUS
The Girl watches through the window as Nelson lurches out of his car and snatches his keys out of Dad's hands.
Nelson drives out as dad jogs along behind, speaking on the
phone.
DAD
(into phone)
P506 AMV
EXT. CAR LOT - LATER
A shabby courtyard of auto-repair garages, a parts shop and
used car dealership.
A CAR DEALER counts money into Nelson's hand.
INT. BETTING SHOP - LATER
Nelson places his slip on the counter.
ROD (36) shakes his head.
ROD
Sorry mate.
NELSON
(laughing)
'Sorry mate.' What's that?
ROD
I've got your self-exclusion form
right here.
Rod pulls it down and shows him. Nelson looks happier in the picture clipped to it.
ROD (CONT'D)
You've barred yourself.
NELSON
I'm cancelling it.
ROD
Nope. You can take your business
somewhere else. I'm not having
Beth down here again, threatening
legal action...
NELSON
It's nothing to do with her
anymore.
ROD
Company policy.
Rod hands Nelson a leaflet about compulsive gambling.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
A phone rings. BETH (40) answers.
BETH
(into phone)
Hello. Yes, that's our car.
No, my husband's got it. Is
there something wrong?
Beth listens, shaking her head.
BETH (CONT'D)
Oh my God. Yes, it probably was
him. Uh, yes, I can think
of one or two places he might be.
EXT. CASINO - LATER
A minicab pulls up. Nelson gets out.
INT. CASINO - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson walks up to the counter. MYRA (20s) smiles to him.
MYRA
Good evening, sir.
NELSON
Hiya.
He takes out his cash.
A MANAGER walks up behind Nelson.
NELSON (CONT'D)
I'll have erm...
MANAGER
No he won't.
(to Nelson)
On your bike, mate.
EXT. STREET - LATER
Nelson walks along, cursing himself.
His phone rings. Nelson takes it out, looks who's
calling,
cancels it.
A police car cruises past. It stops a little way ahead, and
two OFFICERS get out.
They put on their hats and approach Nelson in a relaxed, non-threatening manner.
OFFICER 1
Excuse me, Nelson Chambers? It's
all right, sir, we just want to
talk to you.
Nelson stops. He puts his hand into his pocket. The OFFICERS step back, putting their hands to their belts.
Nelson runs for it, pegging it into an alleyway.
Officer 1 takes off after him, while Officer 2 gets back to
the car.
EXT. ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUS
Nelson runs along, the Officer not far behind.
EXT. STAIRS - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson turns quickly and starts up the stairs.
Officer 1 runs past, then hearing Nelson on his way up, turns and gets after him.
INT. STAIRWELL - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson legs it up the stairs, the OFFICER in hot pursuit.
EXT. WALKWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson runs along this higher-level walkway, overlooking a
market square, about twenty-five feet down.
Nelson pauses, looking over.
Officer 1 is just about to nab him when Nelson vaults the railings and plunges down below.
Officer 1 sees him fall, hit, lie still.
Officer 1 runs back towards the stairs.
EXT. MARKET SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
Nelson notices a circular grating around the base of a slender tree next to him. He crawls to this and places the
money into the grating, tucking it under the edge and out of sight.
He rolls away from the grating.
Officer 1 appears.
OFFICER 1
(out of breath)
Right. Now you just stay there
while I call an ambulance.
FADE IN:
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
NELSON (40) walks out, looking like he slept in his suit.
Nelson's wife, BETH (35) emerges from the doorway after him
glaring her good riddance. She holds their child, a TODDLER, in her arms.
Two BAILIFFS follow her out, carrying a plasma-screen.
DRIVE
Nelson opens his car-door. He reaches in.
He pulls out a child's car-seat.
He places it on the grass beside the drive, eyes locked on
Beth's. 'See what you are doing to me.'
ROAD
Nelson drives out.
INT. CAR - DAY
Nelson looks at his fuel gauge.
ON FUEL GAUGE: It's near empty.
Beside it, on the dashboard is a sticker. It reads, 'Just for today, all bets are off.'
EXT. PETROL STATION - LATER
Nelson pulls his family saloon up to a pump on the forecourt.
INT. KIOSK - LATER
Nelson waits at the front of a queue of IMPATIENT PEOPLE as
the CASHIER looks on her readout.
CASHIER
Sorry, it's not gone through
again.
NELSON
Hang on a tick, I've got my other
card.
The Impatient People roll eyes, sigh and suck their teeth as Nelson walks out of the Kiosk.
EXT. FORECOURT - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson's car pulls out, knocking the car in front, and driving over a planted area bordering the forecourt.
INT. KIOSK
The Cashier and Impatient People watch through the window as Nelson drives out.
MAN IN QUEUE
I got his number-plate. P506 AMV.
The Cashier picks up a phone.
EXT. CARPARK - DAY
A carpark on a light industrial estate. It's deserted for Sunday. Nelson drives into a space.
Nelson gets out.
He opens the back and pulls out a hose and a roll of Duck tape.
INT. CAR - LATER
Nelson holds the end of the hose in the half-opened window
as he winds it up. He gets the hose lightly clamped into the window, and begins sticking lengths of Duck-tape to seal the gap.
Job done, he starts the car. He feels the end of the hose for a few moments. No good. He kills the engine. He slides
across and gets out the passenger side.
BACK OF THE CAR
Nelson winds more Duck tape around where he has stuck the hose into the exhaust.
He gets back in the car, shuts the door.
EXT. CARPARK - LATER
A girl skates quickly away from Nelson's car.
INT. RED CAR - MOMENTS LATER
A DAD (34) sits at the wheel with a coffee, reading a newspaper.
A girl skates up to the window.
GIRL
Dad?
DAD
Yes, darling?
GIRL
There's a guy doing something
sort of weird in his car.
EXT. NELSON'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER
The Dad walks around the car, sees the hose going from the
exhaust to the driver's side.
The Girl skates up behind.
DAD
(to Girl)
Go wait at the car.
GIRL
What's going on?
DAD
Just go back and wait.
The Dad pulls the hose out of the passenger window.
He opens the door.
Nelson is slumped over in his seat, a half-smoked
cigarette
in his hand.
Dad reaches in, switches off the engine, takes the keys.
He dials 999 on his mobile.
DAD (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Ambulance please. And police, I
think. There's a guy here
Okay, thank you.
Nelson coughs.
DAD (CONT'D)
Yes, there's a man here,
unconscious in his car. He's fed
a hose from the exhaust...Yes,
it's the Macro on Kerswell Road,
on the Kerswell industrial
Estate.
NELSON
(eyes shut)
Give me my keys.
DAD
Just a moment, he's asking for
his keys. Yes. He's
conscious and asking for his keys
Okay.
(to Nelson)
You're going to be fine. There's
someone coming to help.
Nelson opens his eyes.
NELSON
Can I have my keys back, please?
DAD
What's your name?
INT. RED CAR - CONTINUOUS
The Girl watches through the window as Nelson lurches out of his car and snatches his keys out of Dad's hands.
Nelson drives out as dad jogs along behind, speaking on the
phone.
DAD
(into phone)
P506 AMV
EXT. CAR LOT - LATER
A shabby courtyard of auto-repair garages, a parts shop and
used car dealership.
A CAR DEALER counts money into Nelson's hand.
INT. BETTING SHOP - LATER
Nelson places his slip on the counter.
ROD (36) shakes his head.
ROD
Sorry mate.
NELSON
(laughing)
'Sorry mate.' What's that?
ROD
I've got your self-exclusion form
right here.
Rod pulls it down and shows him. Nelson looks happier in the picture clipped to it.
ROD (CONT'D)
You've barred yourself.
NELSON
I'm cancelling it.
ROD
Nope. You can take your business
somewhere else. I'm not having
Beth down here again, threatening
legal action...
NELSON
It's nothing to do with her
anymore.
ROD
Company policy.
Rod hands Nelson a leaflet about compulsive gambling.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
A phone rings. BETH (40) answers.
BETH
(into phone)
Hello. Yes, that's our car.
No, my husband's got it. Is
there something wrong?
Beth listens, shaking her head.
BETH (CONT'D)
Oh my God. Yes, it probably was
him. Uh, yes, I can think
of one or two places he might be.
EXT. CASINO - LATER
A minicab pulls up. Nelson gets out.
INT. CASINO - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson walks up to the counter. MYRA (20s) smiles to him.
MYRA
Good evening, sir.
NELSON
Hiya.
He takes out his cash.
A MANAGER walks up behind Nelson.
NELSON (CONT'D)
I'll have erm...
MANAGER
No he won't.
(to Nelson)
On your bike, mate.
EXT. STREET - LATER
Nelson walks along, cursing himself.
His phone rings. Nelson takes it out, looks who's
calling,
cancels it.
A police car cruises past. It stops a little way ahead, and
two OFFICERS get out.
They put on their hats and approach Nelson in a relaxed, non-threatening manner.
OFFICER 1
Excuse me, Nelson Chambers? It's
all right, sir, we just want to
talk to you.
Nelson stops. He puts his hand into his pocket. The OFFICERS step back, putting their hands to their belts.
Nelson runs for it, pegging it into an alleyway.
Officer 1 takes off after him, while Officer 2 gets back to
the car.
EXT. ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUS
Nelson runs along, the Officer not far behind.
EXT. STAIRS - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson turns quickly and starts up the stairs.
Officer 1 runs past, then hearing Nelson on his way up, turns and gets after him.
INT. STAIRWELL - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson legs it up the stairs, the OFFICER in hot pursuit.
EXT. WALKWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Nelson runs along this higher-level walkway, overlooking a
market square, about twenty-five feet down.
Nelson pauses, looking over.
Officer 1 is just about to nab him when Nelson vaults the railings and plunges down below.
Officer 1 sees him fall, hit, lie still.
Officer 1 runs back towards the stairs.
EXT. MARKET SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
Nelson notices a circular grating around the base of a slender tree next to him. He crawls to this and places the
money into the grating, tucking it under the edge and out of sight.
He rolls away from the grating.
Officer 1 appears.
OFFICER 1
(out of breath)
Right. Now you just stay there
while I call an ambulance.
Top answer
[nq:1]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late and chapter and that. [/nq] To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces. Too much, too quickly.
- [nq:1]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late and chapter and that.
- [/nq] To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces.
- Too much, too quickly.
- Didn't seem like I had a chance to see anything along the way.
- somewhere"
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26 Answers
0
[nq:1]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late and chapter and that. Here's some pages of mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces. Too much, too quickly. Didn't seem like I had a chance to see anything along the way.
RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"
To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces. Too much, too quickly. Didn't seem like I had a chance to see anything along the way.
RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"
00
[nq:2]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late ... mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
[nq:1]To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces. Too much, too quickly. Didn't seem like I had a chance to see anything along the way.[/nq]
It would have been a little easier to follow, however, had the format been retained when it was
[nq:1]To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces. Too much, too quickly. Didn't seem like I had a chance to see anything along the way.[/nq]
It would have been a little easier to follow, however, had the format been retained when it was
00
[nq:1]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late and chapter and that. Here's some pages of mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
I had no idea you were British.
The Peripatetic Samurai Robot
I had no idea you were British.
The Peripatetic Samurai Robot
00
[nq:2]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late ... mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
[nq:1]I had no idea you were British.[/nq]
We all have our cross to bear!
What Washington needs is adult supervision.
- Barack Obama
[nq:1]I had no idea you were British.[/nq]
We all have our cross to bear!
What Washington needs is adult supervision.
- Barack Obama
00
[nq:2]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late ... mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
[nq:1]To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces. Too much, too quickly. Didn't seem like I had a chance to see anything along the way.[/nq]
I hadn't thought of that. To me, faster, shorter, is always desirable. ..Obviously not always,
[nq:1]To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into too many small pieces. Too much, too quickly. Didn't seem like I had a chance to see anything along the way.[/nq]
I hadn't thought of that. To me, faster, shorter, is always desirable. ..Obviously not always,
00
[nq:2]To me it seemed too rushed and cut up into ... I had a chance to see anything along the way.[/nq]
[nq:1]It would have been a little easier to follow, however, had the format been retained when it was posted. I've ... ambulance. (So there is no confusion this is Jackson Pillock's writing only reformatted for posting on the newsgroup.)[/nq]
Thanks for that. I've found one of the quirks
[nq:1]It would have been a little easier to follow, however, had the format been retained when it was posted. I've ... ambulance. (So there is no confusion this is Jackson Pillock's writing only reformatted for posting on the newsgroup.)[/nq]
Thanks for that. I've found one of the quirks
00
@reader1.panix.com:
[nq:2]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late ... mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
[nq:1]I had no idea you were British.[/nq]
My status is 'resident alien,' though I have been here for almost all of my adult life. Born and raised in Southern California, have an accent in both places.
[nq:2]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late ... mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
[nq:1]I had no idea you were British.[/nq]
My status is 'resident alien,' though I have been here for almost all of my adult life. Born and raised in Southern California, have an accent in both places.
00
script pages
My op: it does run on, and has typos I find irksome - it's duct tape, for one, others in the writing. My amateur thinking is: write in shorthand, tailor it for NY/LA. Right now it's running long, imho.
My op: it does run on, and has typos I find irksome - it's duct tape, for one, others in the writing. My amateur thinking is: write in shorthand, tailor it for NY/LA. Right now it's running long, imho.
00
[nq:2]I had no idea you were British.[/nq]
[nq:1]We all have our cross to bear![/nq]
It's pretty dangerous to cross a bear.
[nq:1]We all have our cross to bear![/nq]
It's pretty dangerous to cross a bear.
00
[nq:1]There's been some discussion about pace and getting in late and chapter and that. Here's some pages of mine; I'd be interested in any comments along those lines.[/nq]
At the end of these pages, I know a bit about the main character. He's a compulsive gambler, who has entered the downward spiral phase. This has put a strain on the family and has caused him to want to put an end to it by k
At the end of these pages, I know a bit about the main character. He's a compulsive gambler, who has entered the downward spiral phase. This has put a strain on the family and has caused him to want to put an end to it by k
0
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