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Cboutin3 Posted 12 years ago
Grammar
Sentence wording
Are these two sentences worded in the correct and best way, particularly the second one?
She secretly ordered her spymaster, Malark Springhill, to journey to the town of Surthay to learn the truth about the battle at the Gorge of Gauros. Originally from the cities and settlements of the Moonsea, Malark was gifted with eternal youth due to a potion that he had drank when he was a young man and had later become a Monk of the Long Death.
She secretly ordered her spymaster, Malark Springhill, to journey to the town of Surthay to learn the truth about the battle at the Gorge of Gauros. Originally from the cities and settlements of the Moonsea, Malark was gifted with eternal youth due to a potion that he had drank when he was a young man and had later become a Monk of the Long Death.
Top answer
he had drunk is the correct verb form. Otherwise, OK, though you might rethink "when he was a young man" because from the text it seems he's always a young man. CJ
- he had drunk is the correct verb form.
- Otherwise, OK, though you might rethink "when he was a young man" because from the text it seems he's always a young man.
- CJ
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5 Answers
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he had drunk is the correct verb form. Otherwise, OK, though you might rethink "when he was a young man" because from the text it seems he's always a young man.
CJ
CJ
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Okay thanks a lot, is this revision better? Originally from the cities and settlements of the Moonsea, Malark was gifted with eternal youth due to a potion that he had drunk centuries earlier and had later become a Monk of the Long Death.
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cboutin3is this revision better?Yes. Now my attention is drawn to something else, though. "was gifted with eternal youth ... and had ... become a Monk" doesn't read well. Compare: I was skilled in carpentry and had become a priest. The two thoughts aren't related enough to fit comfortably in the same sentence. I think you'll need to split this i
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Yeah I see what you mean. How about this version? Originally from the cities and settlements of the Moonsea, Malark was gifted with eternal youth due to a potion that he had drunk many centuries earlier and was also a Monk of the Long Death
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