[sentence structure]

Question

Dear Users,Could you please have a look at the following sentence and tell me if it can be left the way it is now?It is my firm belief that given the fact that her formative years of education were anchored in a very traditional model of Chinese education only highlights the success she achieved.Thank you

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

Perfect Strangertell me if it can be left the way it is now

It cannot be left as it is.

Perfect StrangerIt is my firm belief that

OK so far.

Perfect Strangergiven the fact that her formative years of education were anchored in a very traditional model of Chinese education

It says 'given this fact', i.e. if you know this fact. We expect something to follow which says that if we are given this fact, then ... [something is also true].

Perfect Strangeronly highlights the success she achieved.

What highlights the success she achieved? There is nothing that says what is doing the highlighting.

Perfect Strangerthe fact [that her formative years of education were anchored in a very traditional model of Chinese education] only highlights the success she achieved

Maybe this is the structure you intend. Now 'the fact' is what is doing the highlighting. But you have 'given' in front of it. That can't be followed by a full sentence. 'given the fact highlights her success' is as ungrammatical as 'given the whale is a large mammal", especially when nothing follows. It's like saying Since the whale is a large mammal, and stopping.
_____________

In short, there are so many partially correct fragments which overlap each other in the sentence that it is not possible to work out what it means.

CJ

Perfect Stranger · Answer

Thank you CJ.

What I was trying to say was that despite the fact that she went to a very traditional school, she managed to become a very active student.

Here's (almost) the whole piece:

It is wonderful to see a student come out of the shell and reveal a whole new side to his or her persona. XYZ is a great example of such a student. It is my firm belief that given the fact that her formative years of education were anchored in a very traditional model of Chinese education only highlights the success she achieved.

The first words that come to my mind when I think of her are: diligence, studiousness, and willingness to explore the uncharted territories of history. As her History teacher I found XYZ to be confident enough to handle new content with curiosity. Although her initial approaches to the studied primary and secondary sources lacked depth and critical thinking skills, she managed to improve on both throughout the academic year.

I believe XYZ has become a very mature and responsible young leaner. She clearly cares about her performance and strives to improve. A clear example of her perseverance is her struggle to be accepted as a volunteer at Jewish Refugees Museum. Despite being initially rejected due to her young age, she managed to persuade the curators to give her a chance. As a result, she continued being a volunteer for a year and a half and proved to be a valuable addition to the museum.

CalifJim · Answer

Perfect Stranger It is my firm belief that given the fact that her formative years of education were anchored in a very traditional model of Chinese education only highlights the success she achieved.

Surrounding an incorrect sentence by a lot of very good correct sentences doesn't change the fact that this one is faulty.

For a version with just a minimal change, try this instead:

It is my firm belief that the fact that her formative years of education were anchored in a very traditional model of Chinese education only highlights the success she achieved.

Or

It is my firm belief that she has achieved enormous success, given/despite the fact that her formative years of education were anchored in a very traditional model of Chinese education.

CJ

Perfect Stranger · Answer

Thanks again. Hopefully, I can assume that at least the remaining sentences were well-written (if I'm reading your posting correctly.)

CalifJim · Answer

Perfect Strangerif I'm reading your ~~posting~~ post correctly.

You are.

(But leave out the colon between "are" and "diligence", OK?)

CJ

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