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Ryansamturner Posted 12 years ago
Grammar
Sentence Review.
Hi,
I have two version of the below sentences, and just wondered which one is the best.
.........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was played on repeat in my head. In a loop it went round and round, over and over, I couldn’t shift it.
Or a slightly different version.
.........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was played on repeat in my head, in a loop it went round and round, over and over, I couldn’t shift it.
Or even a third version.
.........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was played on repeat in my head. In a loop, it went round and round, over and over, I couldn’t shift it.
Any idea?
I have two version of the below sentences, and just wondered which one is the best.
.........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was played on repeat in my head. In a loop it went round and round, over and over, I couldn’t shift it.
Or a slightly different version.
.........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was played on repeat in my head, in a loop it went round and round, over and over, I couldn’t shift it.
Or even a third version.
.........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was played on repeat in my head. In a loop, it went round and round, over and over, I couldn’t shift it.
Any idea?
Top answer
Yes. now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was replayed over and over in my head.
- Yes.
- now only the lifeless shell of our son.
- That horrible thought was replayed over and over in my head.
- Second-rate writers fall in love with their words.
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1 Answers
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Yes. I much prefer this briefer version:
........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was replayed over and over in my head.
Second-rate writers fall in love with their words.
.
........now only the lifeless shell of our son. That horrible thought was replayed over and over in my head.
Second-rate writers fall in love with their words.
.
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