Seeking comments on sentence regarding safety issues

Question

I would like to seek someone’s comments on the grammar and sentence structure for the following sentences regarding safety. Thanks

In order to implement the requirements shown on the risk assessment, I arranged for safety issues, including testing of air content, good ventilation, to be monitored by the safety team.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Ben9108I would like to seek someone’s comments on the grammar and sentence structure for the following sentences regarding safety. Thanks

There is only one sentence.

Ben9108In order to implement the requirements shown on the risk assessment,

I'm not sure you can implement requirements. You normally implement changes or reforms or measures. I suspect you meant something more like "To address the deficiencies revealed by the risk assessment".

Ben9108I arranged for safety issues, including testing of air content, good ventilation, to be monitored by the safety team.

"Issues" is a fluffy word. "Good ventilation" looks like an appositive the way you have it there, but I doubt that it is one. I suspect that you did not mean that the safety team would monitor testing, per se, but you might have. And anyway, testing is not a safety issue on a par with good ventilation.

Maybe "To address the safety deficiencies revealed by the risk assessment, including air content and ventilation, I have arranged for them to be monitored by the safety team."

I feel I should mention that if your employees are breathing bad air and not enough of it, sending a memo to the safety team to keep an eye on it seems like an inadequate response. I only mention this because the recipient of your sentence will think that.

Seeking comments on sentence regarding safety issues

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