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Bluecastle Posted 15 years ago
Letter Writing
Scholarship Application
This is an essay I would need to submit fro a scholarship application.
Could someone please review it for me? Any critisms are welcome. Sentence construction, english, content etc
In 500 words, demonstrate
-your financial need
- your academic ability and potential.
- why you think you should get the scholarship
- how you meet any specific requirements listed (well..I am from commonwealth country studying PhD and I need money.)
I believe there are many ways for one to live life to the fullest. For me, it is to keep exploring the world and never stop learning from what is exposed to me. Naturally, I wanted to be placed abroad to absorb new knowledge from a different cultural perspective. I have chosen Uni X because its unrivalled academic environment has all to offer me to develop as a well-rounded professional in the field I would like to explore.
I had always wanted to pursue a career in research and this makes the PhD study in an accredited scientific institution an absolute necessity for me. However, my family are struggling with the current exigencies of my prospective education at Uni X. At present, my father is burdened with the reduction in income and a physically demanding job in which he plans to retire soon due to the limits of his age. The financial crisis in 1997 and again in 2008 had also tremendously distressed my family which till now we still are struggling to recover from. I had previously involved myself in several part-time jobs during my time as a student in order to lessen the situation. Though I had gained numerous invaluable experiences from these work activities, I struggled to focus on my studies and my grades started to waver. Upon my graduation, alongside the fact of lacking the required financial strength, I was forced to give up my chance to proceed with further education required in becoming a researcher. I did not forget about my goals and enthusiasms nonetheless along the path. After working as a laboratory technician for over a year, I took up a private loan from a kind relative to continue my studies at the University ABC. I once again made myself focus back into my educational pursuits and subsequently succeeded in obtaining a distinction in my Master’s degree in Neurogenetics.
To further consummate my goal, I would like to be considered for the XXX Scholarship, YYY Scholarship and ZZZ Scholarship being offered. There are many good reasons to argue about my candidacy in deserving these scholarships. I have always been known as a dedicated and diligent worker having the ability to follow through with all the hard work required in accomplishing an objective. I am also not afraid of new challenges and very enthusiastic to learn. The scholarships would provide me not only an abundance of education to fulfil my career goals but also a channel to quench my thirst for knowledge. I also see myself as a person of persistence, self-discipline and creativity. These are the qualities which are essential in bringing my proposed research at the Department of Genetics to a successful conclusion.
On receiving the scholarships, apart from being able to reduce the financial burden on my family and me, it will also be a great motivation giving me courage, strength and pride to trudge towards my goals in life. As a citizen from a developing Commonwealth country, the scholarships will certainly enable me to achieve my career aspiration, from where I would be able to share my knowledge gained to benefit the future generations and help in the growth of my home country through scientific development. I believe in myself, and I envisage these scholarships would provide a firm future for me and subsequently mould me into a better person whom could make a difference in this world.
Thank you very much =)
Could someone please review it for me? Any critisms are welcome. Sentence construction, english, content etc
In 500 words, demonstrate
-your financial need
- your academic ability and potential.
- why you think you should get the scholarship
- how you meet any specific requirements listed (well..I am from commonwealth country studying PhD and I need money.)
I believe there are many ways for one to live life to the fullest. For me, it is to keep exploring the world and never stop learning from what is exposed to me. Naturally, I wanted to be placed abroad to absorb new knowledge from a different cultural perspective. I have chosen Uni X because its unrivalled academic environment has all to offer me to develop as a well-rounded professional in the field I would like to explore.
I had always wanted to pursue a career in research and this makes the PhD study in an accredited scientific institution an absolute necessity for me. However, my family are struggling with the current exigencies of my prospective education at Uni X. At present, my father is burdened with the reduction in income and a physically demanding job in which he plans to retire soon due to the limits of his age. The financial crisis in 1997 and again in 2008 had also tremendously distressed my family which till now we still are struggling to recover from. I had previously involved myself in several part-time jobs during my time as a student in order to lessen the situation. Though I had gained numerous invaluable experiences from these work activities, I struggled to focus on my studies and my grades started to waver. Upon my graduation, alongside the fact of lacking the required financial strength, I was forced to give up my chance to proceed with further education required in becoming a researcher. I did not forget about my goals and enthusiasms nonetheless along the path. After working as a laboratory technician for over a year, I took up a private loan from a kind relative to continue my studies at the University ABC. I once again made myself focus back into my educational pursuits and subsequently succeeded in obtaining a distinction in my Master’s degree in Neurogenetics.
To further consummate my goal, I would like to be considered for the XXX Scholarship, YYY Scholarship and ZZZ Scholarship being offered. There are many good reasons to argue about my candidacy in deserving these scholarships. I have always been known as a dedicated and diligent worker having the ability to follow through with all the hard work required in accomplishing an objective. I am also not afraid of new challenges and very enthusiastic to learn. The scholarships would provide me not only an abundance of education to fulfil my career goals but also a channel to quench my thirst for knowledge. I also see myself as a person of persistence, self-discipline and creativity. These are the qualities which are essential in bringing my proposed research at the Department of Genetics to a successful conclusion.
On receiving the scholarships, apart from being able to reduce the financial burden on my family and me, it will also be a great motivation giving me courage, strength and pride to trudge towards my goals in life. As a citizen from a developing Commonwealth country, the scholarships will certainly enable me to achieve my career aspiration, from where I would be able to share my knowledge gained to benefit the future generations and help in the growth of my home country through scientific development. I believe in myself, and I envisage these scholarships would provide a firm future for me and subsequently mould me into a better person whom could make a difference in this world.
Thank you very much =)
Top answer
Here's my harsh assessment: If I were judging, you wouldn't receive additional funding or grants. You didn't answer the questions in a clear and concise fashion. Moreover, you used more than 500 words.
- Here's my harsh assessment: If I were judging, you wouldn't receive additional funding or grants.
- You didn't answer the questions in a clear and concise fashion.
- Moreover, you used more than 500 words.
- If I were to paraphrase your entire letter, it would be this: Like most people in the world, my family and I struggle to fund an expensive eduction.
- I am, however, a reasonably bright and wonderful person.
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10 Answers
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Here's my harsh assessment: If I were judging, you wouldn't receive additional funding or grants. You didn't answer the questions in a clear and concise fashion. Moreover, you used more than 500 words.
If I were to paraphrase your entire letter, it would be this:
Like most people in the world, my family and I struggle to fund an expensive eduction. I am, however, a reasonably
If I were to paraphrase your entire letter, it would be this:
Like most people in the world, my family and I struggle to fund an expensive eduction. I am, however, a reasonably
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Dear MountainHiker,
Thank you verymuch for your comments! It's is a great enlightenment and I am really grateful for that!!
I am particularly bad in composing this kind of essay and I often can't realize the mistakes I make while i am the one writing it. Here I tr
Thank you verymuch for your comments! It's is a great enlightenment and I am really grateful for that!!
I am particularly bad in composing this kind of essay and I often can't realize the mistakes I make while i am the one writing it. Here I tr
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Your letter is garbage. I am not even going to try to fix it. Instead, let's start with a fresh page.
In 500 words, demonstrate
-your financial need
- your academic ability and potential.
- why you think you should get the scholarship
- how you meet any specific requirements listed (well..I am from commonwealth country studying PhD and I need money.)
In 500 words, demonstrate
-your financial need
- your academic ability and potential.
- why you think you should get the scholarship
- how you meet any specific requirements listed (well..I am from commonwealth country studying PhD and I need money.)
00
Thank you MountainHiker.
Right, I will try to answer the questions one by one. Hopefully it can help reconstructing the whole thing
My financial need:
- My father is a soon retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife wi
Right, I will try to answer the questions one by one. Hopefully it can help reconstructing the whole thing
My financial need:
- My father is a soon retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife wi
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Now we're getting somewhere. It's late here in Canada, so I don't have much time tonight. But let's see what we can do.
With regard to my prior links, it isn't the words, per se. Rather, it is the structure and clarity.
So with that, let's get started.
With regard to my prior links, it isn't the words, per se. Rather, it is the structure and clarity.
So with that, let's get started.
My financial need:
- My father is a soon retired construction worker and my mother is a
00
Sorry for the late reply.
I must say i can never thank you enough for helping me in this and I really appreciate your patience in guiding me step by step and writng the comments. It does make more sense to me now looking at how you constructed the flow of the essay. I have used it and rewrite my essay again. Can you please h
I must say i can never thank you enough for helping me in this and I really appreciate your patience in guiding me step by step and writng the comments. It does make more sense to me now looking at how you constructed the flow of the essay. I have used it and rewrite my essay again. Can you please h
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I am using Somolia as a place holder.
The purpose of this statement is to apply for the X Scholarship, Y Scholarship and Z Scholarship. My career aspiration is to become academic researcher in a university in my home country upon my completion of the PhD study at University of X
I would like to apply for Scholarship X, Y, and Z. My career as
The purpose of this statement is to apply for the X Scholarship, Y Scholarship and Z Scholarship. My career aspiration is to become academic researcher in a university in my home country upon my completion of the PhD study at University of X
I would like to apply for Scholarship X, Y, and Z. My career as
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Dear MountainHiker,
Sorry for this extremely late reply. I was caught up with some family matters over the weeks but I have not forgotten about my works on this statement. Here's another draft I wrote according to your corrections:
I would like to apply for Scholarship X, Y, and Z. My career aspiration is to
Sorry for this extremely late reply. I was caught up with some family matters over the weeks but I have not forgotten about my works on this statement. Here's another draft I wrote according to your corrections:
I would like to apply for Scholarship X, Y, and Z. My career aspiration is to
00
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>>I would like to apply for ScholarshipS X, Y, and Z. My career aspiration is to become academic researcher at local university in my home country upon my completion of my PhD study at University of X.
MH: scholarshipS, plural, right?
>>I earned a Master's degree in Molecular Medicine atUniversityofABC. During my studies, I have achieved a consistent high marks, consi
MH: scholarshipS, plural, right?
>>I earned a Master's degree in Molecular Medicine atUniversityofABC. During my studies, I have achieved a consistent high marks, consi
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