Sb needed to check my letter... thank you:)

Question

Dear Sirs,

I am writing on behalf of my friends to inquier about accomodation for two adults and one child from 2nd to 9th of July.
My friends are going to spend a holiday in Irland and visit local interesting places. Can you send me a brochures of the most interesting things?
In your brochures you have mentioned about Blarney? Blarney is the nearest city form you house?
I want to know if my friends could rent somewhere bicycles? If yes, please let me know about fees.
I also want to know if the price for a child is the same as for a adult.
Do you accept credit cards>
I would appreciate if you give me above information as soon as you can.

Sincerely yours,

Wumanfu · Accepted Answer

Hi, this is my opinion regarding your letter. Your English isn’t bad at all but I’d change a few things related to style.

1 Salutation should be: Dear Sir/Madam
2 pretend that you are the customer: it’s easier and less confusing
3 use dot points for your questions: it’s very clear what you want
4 state your email, your telephone or your mail contact
5 end with ‘yours faithfully (it suits ‘Dear Sir/Madam’)

Dear Sir/Madam

Accommodation 2 – 9 July

Do you have accommodation suitable for two adults and one child from July 2 – 9? Please reply with the following information:
* a brochure of local attractions;
* information about Blarney; and
* information about bicycle rental.
It would be very helpful if your material contained information about price and availability of services during my holiday.
Do you offer a discount for the child’s accommodation? Is it possible that your standard twin share room could accommodate a child without any further cost? Do you accept all major credit cards?

Please contact me by [email, telephone, post: give your contact details]

Yours faithfully

***

Wumanfu · Answer

or maybe...

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing on behalf of my friends to enquire about accommodation for two adults and one child. My friends are going to spend a holiday in Ireland and visit local places of interest from 2nd to 9th of July. Could you please send me tourist brochures? My friends want to visit Blarney. Is it correct that Blarney is very close to your establishment? Are bicycles available for hire? If so, please indicate price and availability for the hire of three bikes. Please let me know how much it might cost to accommodate the child with two adults. Could my friends keep their child with them in a standard twin-share room without paying any extra? Do you accept all major credit cards?
I would appreciate your prompt reply and hope that you can forward me information relevant to guests staying at your establishment.

Yours faithfully

Dolphy · Answer

Thank you very much for your help:)) It's very kind of you.

Advoca · Answer

I wonder if I might be permitted to correct the letter suggested by Wumanfu?

First, starting a letter with Dear Sir/Madam is very old-fashioned. Many men (I included) do not like a start with a hint that I might be a madam. Men tend to dislike such an opening. Women, on the other hand, are more tolerant and do not find it objectionable if they are addressed as Sir. Therefore, if in doubt, start off with Dear Sir.

Next, the letter should not be all one paragraph.

And why write on behalf of friends? Can’t they write on their own?

And the use of the horrible word “establishment!” Oh, dear me! Since the enquiry is for accommodation, it is obvious that the letter is being sent to a hotel, not to an establishment.

And if a child is to accompany the visitors the child’s age should be stated. Is it a baby? In which case a cot is required. Or is the child a teenager? in which case a third bed is needed.

Then there is the curious switching from subject to subject. These should be collected together logically.

If bicycles are available there is no point in asking for their availability. They are available.

So, here is a suggested letter:

The Manager,
XYX Hotel,
Sometown,
Ireland.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to enquire about accommodation for two adults and one child in your hotel from 2nd to 9th of July.

My wife and I plan to bring our 3 year-old daughter with us. Could we keep her with us in a standard twin-bed room without paying any extra? Could you provide a cot?

Do you accept major credit cards?

Is it correct that Blarney is close to your establishment? We would like to go there for a visit. Are there buses from your hotel to Blarney?

Are bicycles available for hire? If so, could you please indicate the price for the hire of three.

Could you also send us some tourist brochures, please. We would appreciate it if you could.

Yours faithfully

John and Mary Doe

Wumanfu · Answer

Thanks advoca, your response is clear and simple. I aim to improve my English expression, please suggest a style manual or resource for writing business English.

Wumanfu · Answer

Advoca, I notice that you’ve answered my question in another post.

A good guide to American style business letters is "Merriam Webster's Guide to Business Correspondence." It comes with a disk with sample letters too. It
is published by Merriam-Webster Inc.

Many thanks

Sb needed to check my letter... thank you:)

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