Saying goodbye at dawn to Baidi town among colorful clouds,

Question

Saying goodbye at dawn to Baidi town among swirling colorful clouds,I’m sailing a thousand kilometers downto Jiangling city within a single day.When apes’ calling keeps echoing from both banks,my light boat has passed through ten thousand mountains.Hi,I made the English rendtion from a Chinese poem called "Leaving Baidi Town at Dawn" in the above. Is it better to reword the first line as the following? Thanks.Leaving  Baidi at day break in colorful swirling clouds.

Mr Wordy · Accepted Answer

I don't see any particular reason to prefer one over the other.

"daybreak" is one word.

Angliholic · Answer

Thanks, Mr Wordy, for the reply.

Is there anything in my rendition that doesn't flow well?

Mr Wordy · Answer

AngliholicIs there anything in my rendition that doesn't flow well?

As you probably know, it is harder to make this kind of judgement with poetry (or other highly creative writing) than with prose. If one comes across unusual wording in a poem, one usually assumes that it was deliberately chosen to create a particular effect.

That said, for me there is nothing that stands out as a glaring problem in what you've written. I would probably capitalise "city". Though grammatical, I find "apes' calling" a little awkward. The exact time relationship between "when ... keeps echoing ... has passed" is not very clear to me. Are you trying to say that the calling of the apes only starts to happen when the thousand mountains have been passed?

Angliholic · Answer

Thanks, Mr Wordy, for pointing out the problem for me.

It means the calling of the apes are still echoing from both banks when my light boat has passed ten thousand mountains. What about the recast in the following?

Saying goodbye at dawn to Baidi town among swirling colorful clouds,

I’m sailing a thousand kilometers down

to Jiangling city within a single day.

When apes’ calling are still echoing from both banks,

my light boat has passed through ten thousand mountains.

Mr Wordy · Answer

AngliholicWhen apes’ calling are still echoing from both banks,
my light boat has passed through ten thousand mountains.

"When apes’ calling are..." is wrong; you could say "When apes’ calls are..."

If you'll allow me to be picky, the other aspect still doesn't seem quite right. The sentence structure "When X, Y" leads me to expect that X (i.e. the apes calling) is a new event: previously it hasn't happened, then it starts to happen, and when it starts to happen the thing explained in Y occurs. You could perhaps say:

With apes’ calls still echoing from both banks,

my light boat has passed through ten thousand mountains.

Angliholic · Answer

Thanks, Mr Wordy, for the correction.

YOur version sounds excellent to my ears.

For what it's worth, is it also right to write the following?

When my light boat has passed through ten thousand mountains,

apes' calls are still echoing from both banks.

While apes' calls are still echoing from both banks,

my light boat has passed ten thousand mountains.

It just occurred to me that through seems to optional in the context, right?

Mr Wordy · Answer

AngliholicIt just occurred to me that through seems to optional in the context, right?

Right. I wondered about this before actually. A boat can't literally pass "through" a mountain (unless it's in a tunnel, I guess), but I think we can allow "passed through ten thousand mountains" to mean "passed through a region in which ten thousand mountains were situated". The version without "through" is also OK, simply meaning that the rover flowed next to the mountains.

Angliholic · Answer

The version without "through" is also OK, simply meaning that the rover flowed next to the mountains.

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Thanks, Mr Wordy, for the explanation.

But the italic phrase in the above just threw me off completely. Can you say it in other words?

BTW, are the following editions all right?

When my light boat has passed through ten thousand mountains,

apes' calls are still echoing from both banks.

While apes' calls are still echoing from both banks,

my light boat has passed ten thousand mountains.

Mr Wordy · Answer

AngliholicThe version without "through" is also OK, simply meaning that the rover flowed next to the mountains.

Oops, I made a silly typo. "rover" should be "river".

AngliholicWhen my light boat has passed through ten thousand mountains,
apes' calls are still echoing from both banks.

While apes' calls are still echoing from both banks,
my light boat has passed ten thousand mountains.These both seem OK. In the first version, reversing the order seems to have addressed the niggle that I felt about the time sequence and the use of "when" in the original.

Angliholic · Answer

Thanks, Mr Wordy, for the help.

Got it!

Saying goodbye at dawn to Baidi town among colorful clouds,

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