Ruins in the Distance...The Logline!

Question

"Neal Davenport, self-satisfied poet and tale-teller, goes on a phantasmagorical odyssey inspired by the fear of losing that which he most loves."How's that?W : )

Usenet · Accepted Answer

[nq:1]"Neal Davenport, self-satisfied poet and tale-teller, goes on a phantasmagorical odyssey inspired by the fear of losing that which he most loves." How's that?[/nq]
If you're seriously asking for an opinion, I think that logline is too ephemeral and intellectual, and not visual enough to entice anyone to read the screenplay.
If I were you, I'd load my 25-words-or-less with more words about the physical action rather than the "essence" of my hero, and I'd say what happens. The reader should see a sort of mini-movie in their head instead of "feeling" what it's about.
For instance, you can't really film, "self-satisfied", but you CAN film a guy who's just won a major award for his latest book of poetry and in a fit of hubris, buys a red Porsche and sets off on a full-blown mid-life crisis.

Same with "odyssey". Something about that word makes me doubt you're talking about a road-trip buddy movie. I mean, the original Odyssey took 10 years, so the term connotes a kind of ponderousness.

Is it phantasmagorical because he's drugged out? Or is he having a psychotic break? Inspired by the "fear of losing that which he most loves" could refer to a dog, his own fame, his good looks, his mom, his wife, his grip on reality, his fishing boat, his muse...
Your logline should give a sense of the genre, what happens, and who it happens to.
"After blowing his Pulitzer Prize money on crack, poet Neal Davenport must meet his wife at divorce court, in the company of his inner demons, who have, literally, come alive."
That's pretty awful, but at least you can picture it.

Elsewhere in this thread you mention that you want an agent, but you want one you can meet face-to-face. If you're looking to market your screenplays commercially, the only agents who can do you any good are in Los Angeles. If you're not in Southern California, give up this face-to-face thing in favor of someone with connections (that is, if you bother getting an agent in the first place).
My 2p.
Alan Brooks

A with an Underwood
2p or not 2p.
MWSM FAQ: http://www.panix.com/~mwsm/faq.html
Filtering Trolls: http://www.panix.com/~mwsm/trolls.html

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]"Neal Davenport, self-satisfied poet and tale-teller, goes on a phantasmagorical odyssey inspired by the fear of losing that which he most loves." How's that?[/nq]
[nq:1]If you're seriously asking for an opinion, I think that logline is too ephemeral and intellectual, and not visual enough to entice anyone to read the screenplay.[/nq]
Agree...but I'm an intellectual guy! Seriously, I wanted the logline to be
intentionally vague to inspire wonder about what it could mean.
[nq:1]If I were you, I'd load my 25-words-or-less with more words about the physical action rather than the "essence" of my hero, and I'd say what happens. The reader should see a sort of mini-movie in their head instead of "feeling" what it's about.[/nq]
OK.
[nq:1]For instance, you can't really film, "self-satisfied", but you CAN film a guy who's just won a major award for his latest book of poetry and in a fit of hubris, buys a red Porsche and sets off on a full-blown mid-life crisis.[/nq]
Sounds like Middle Age Crazy.
[nq:1]Same with "odyssey". Something about that word makes me doubt you're talking about a road-trip buddy movie. I mean, the original Odyssey took 10 years, so the term connotes a kind of ponderousness.[/nq]
Actually, it does comprise enough "road stuff" to qualify as a road film, but I want to keep that info close to my vest so as to create wonder.
[nq:1]Is it phantasmagorical because he's drugged out? Or is he having a psychotic break? Inspired by the "fear of losing that which he most loves" could refer to a dog, his own fame, his good looks, his mom, his wife, his grip on reality, his fishing boat, his muse...[/nq]
He has a head wound. He's out cold. It's his girl friend he's afraid of
losing.
[nq:1]Your logline should give a sense of the genre, what happens, and who it happens to.[/nq]
I was afraid you'd mention genre! This film, if it's made like I want it
(and of course that won't happen!), will be the despair of the marketing
dept. because it resists being locked into one genre. It's a hybrid.
[nq:1]"After blowing his Pulitzer Prize money on crack, poet Neal Davenport must meet his wife at divorce court, in the company of his inner demons, who have, literally, come alive." That's pretty awful, but at least you can picture it.[/nq]
No prob seeing it, for sure.
[nq:1]Elsewhere in this thread you mention that you want an agent, but you want one you can meet face-to-face. If you're looking to market your screenplays commercially, the only agents who can do you any good are in Los Angeles. If you're not in Southern California, give up this face-to-face thing in favor of someone with connections (that is, if you bother getting an agent in the first place).[/nq]
I'm in Denver...the boonies!
W : (

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]"Neal Davenport, self-satisfied poet and tale-teller, goes on a phantasmagorical odyssey inspired by the fear of losing that which he most loves." How's that? W : )[/nq]
What kind of journey? With Jason/ Argonauts or into outer space? Not a concise logline, I want a genres - SF, fantasy, whatever.

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]Seriously, I wanted the logline to be intentionally vague to inspire wonder about what it could mean.[/nq]
That's kind of an anti-logline.
You're writing a shorthand teaser to people who see hundreds of projects come over the transom every week. "Intentionally vague" is exactly what they DON'T want to waste their time with.

"Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? All you do is change the words."
- Samuel Goldwyn

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]"Neal Davenport, self-satisfied poet and tale-teller, goes on a phantasmagorical ... that which he most loves." How's that? W : )[/nq]
[nq:1]What kind of journey? With Jason/ Argonauts or into outer space? Not a concise logline, I want a genres - SF, fantasy, whatever.[/nq]
It's a bildungsroman, a tale of self-discovery. I'm being vague because I
don't want to give too much away. I thought loglines were supposed to be
concise.
W : )

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]How's that?[/nq]
Vague. No idea what the concept is. No idea what the conflict is. No idea what the story is.
- Bill

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]I thought loglines were supposed to be concise.[/nq]
They are. They're also supposed to be clear.

"Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? All you do is change the words."
- Samuel Goldwyn

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]If you're seriously asking for an opinion, I think that ... not visual enough to entice anyone to read the screenplay.[/nq]
[nq:1]Agree...but I'm an intellectual guy! Seriously, I wanted the logline to be intentionally vague to inspire wonder about what it could mean.[/nq]
It just doesn't work that way. If your intention is to present this logline to studios and production companies, they will assume that a vague logline is the front-man for an unfocused script.
Alan Brooks

A with an Underwood
I'll show you
the life of
the mind...
MWSM FAQ: http://www.panix.com/~mwsm/faq.html
Filtering Trolls: http://www.panix.com/~mwsm/trolls.html

Usenet · Answer

"Wordsmith"
[nq:1]"Neal Davenport, self-satisfied poet and tale-teller, goes on a phantasmagorical odyssey inspired by the fear of losing that which he most loves."[/nq]
I'm not sure how he can be self-satisfied and at the same time fear losing what he loves most.
How about:
"Neal Davenport's cosy world of poetry will be ripped apart unless he undertakes an extraordinary journey to secure what he truly loves."

Martin B

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]"Wordsmith"[/nq]
[nq:2]"Neal Davenport, self-satisfied poet and tale-teller, goes on a phantasmagorical odyssey inspired by the fear of losing that which he most loves."[/nq]
[nq:1]I'm not sure how he can be self-satisfied and at the same time fear losing what he loves most. How ... poetry will be ripped apart unless he undertakes an extraordinary journey to secure what he truly loves." Martin B[/nq]
But tell us what he truly loves and what that journey involves... where is he going?
I want to read the logline and need to book my seat in the cinema right now.
- Bill

Ruins in the Distance...The Logline!

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