0
Estherrmao Posted 14 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Revise My College Admission Essay?
This is my essay for UC prompt#1, be as critical as you need to! Any help is appreciated, thanks!
Essay Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In one of That’s So Raven’s episodes, an international student transfers to Raven’s school and shares her traveling experiences boastfully, which makes Raven envious. When the new student visits Raven’s home and finds a wall with markings of Raven’s height growth since kindergarten, she then reveals that her actions are only a cover-up for her insecurities; due to constant moving, she never had a home nor friends that stayed. She’d rather live a life of stability than to reside in Paris one month than Tokyo the next.
I remember watching this episode soon after immigrating to the United States from Taiwan; immediately, I empathize with character of the new student. The process of adapting to a free and diverse environment was tough but a valuable lesson. Perseverance is what has pushed me through the past 7 years, transforming from the girl who hides in the restroom stall during brunch and lunch time and sweats out the Mississippi River under her armpit during class presentations due to her lack of English speaking skills to now the gregarious individual who enjoys exploring new interests, and never hesitates to lend a helping hand because she was once the one who needed it.
My life is all about changes and overcoming obstacles. Born with a hole in my heart, heart murmurs, asthma, and deaf in one ear; the doctor was not confident that this baby was going to make it far. Asthma attacks and visits to the hospital for hearing tests were “normal” during my childhood; but I never let any of them block me from performing regular kids’ activities such as the 400m relay at school’s sports events and going on hiking fieldtrips. As a kid, my parents taught me about responsibility by letting me make plenty of personal decisions on my own. Being the middle child, peacemaker has been my job by nature, which trained me for skills of diplomacy. I also grew up learning to be flexible. After 5 schools and 8 houses that I called home, my perspective have broadened widely and developed greater adaptability. Call me lucky or delusional, but I believe God heard my mom’s constant prayers and answered them; I gained my hearing without undergoing any surgery at the age of 5 and by 10, my asthma had gradually diluted. Now at 17, I stand healthy and grateful, for my chance to experience life with this improved body that I never had nor deserved.
Through my past of unfortunate health condition and immense lack of confidence, I have learned to appreciate the little things in life and strive to influence others positively with my story and my optimistic personality because life is precious and if we are the healthy ones, the capable ones, it’s our job to help the ones in need, not because we have to, but because we can. The smallest action can do more than we think because I believe “it's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.”
Essay Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In one of That’s So Raven’s episodes, an international student transfers to Raven’s school and shares her traveling experiences boastfully, which makes Raven envious. When the new student visits Raven’s home and finds a wall with markings of Raven’s height growth since kindergarten, she then reveals that her actions are only a cover-up for her insecurities; due to constant moving, she never had a home nor friends that stayed. She’d rather live a life of stability than to reside in Paris one month than Tokyo the next.
I remember watching this episode soon after immigrating to the United States from Taiwan; immediately, I empathize with character of the new student. The process of adapting to a free and diverse environment was tough but a valuable lesson. Perseverance is what has pushed me through the past 7 years, transforming from the girl who hides in the restroom stall during brunch and lunch time and sweats out the Mississippi River under her armpit during class presentations due to her lack of English speaking skills to now the gregarious individual who enjoys exploring new interests, and never hesitates to lend a helping hand because she was once the one who needed it.
My life is all about changes and overcoming obstacles. Born with a hole in my heart, heart murmurs, asthma, and deaf in one ear; the doctor was not confident that this baby was going to make it far. Asthma attacks and visits to the hospital for hearing tests were “normal” during my childhood; but I never let any of them block me from performing regular kids’ activities such as the 400m relay at school’s sports events and going on hiking fieldtrips. As a kid, my parents taught me about responsibility by letting me make plenty of personal decisions on my own. Being the middle child, peacemaker has been my job by nature, which trained me for skills of diplomacy. I also grew up learning to be flexible. After 5 schools and 8 houses that I called home, my perspective have broadened widely and developed greater adaptability. Call me lucky or delusional, but I believe God heard my mom’s constant prayers and answered them; I gained my hearing without undergoing any surgery at the age of 5 and by 10, my asthma had gradually diluted. Now at 17, I stand healthy and grateful, for my chance to experience life with this improved body that I never had nor deserved.
Through my past of unfortunate health condition and immense lack of confidence, I have learned to appreciate the little things in life and strive to influence others positively with my story and my optimistic personality because life is precious and if we are the healthy ones, the capable ones, it’s our job to help the ones in need, not because we have to, but because we can. The smallest action can do more than we think because I believe “it's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.”
Top answer
Hi Esther, I live in Taiwan, too, and I enjoyed reading your essay; I especially like your closing line: estherrmao life is precious and if we are the healthy ones, the capable ones, it’s our job to help the ones in need, not because we have to, but because we can. There are some mistakes and I corrected them as seen below: In one of That’s So Raven’s episodes, an international student transfers to Raven’s school and boasts about her many traveling experiences, which makes Raven feel envious. When the new student visits Raven’s home and finds a wall with markings of Raven’s height growth since kindergarten, she then reveals that her actions are only a cover-up for her insecurities; due to constant moving, she never had a home nor friends that lasted.
- Hi Esther, I live in Taiwan, too, and I enjoyed reading your essay; I especially like your closing line: estherrmao life is precious and if we are the healthy ones, the capable ones, it’s our job to help the ones in need, not because we have to, but because we can.
- There are some mistakes and I corrected them as seen below: In one of That’s So Raven’s episodes, an international student transfers to Raven’s school and boasts about her many traveling experiences, which makes Raven feel envious.
- When the new student visits Raven’s home and finds a wall with markings of Raven’s height growth since kindergarten, she then reveals that her actions are only a cover-up for her insecurities; due to constant moving, she never had a home nor friends that lasted.
- She says she would rather live a life of stability than to be in Paris one month and then in Tokyo the next.
- I remember watching this episode soon after immigrating to the United States from Taiwan; immediately, I empathized with character of the new student.
Get the Weekly English Kit 📬
New words, one handy idiom, and a 2-minute quiz — delivered to your inbox to keep your streak alive.
1 Answers
0
Hi Esther, I live in Taiwan, too, and I enjoyed reading your essay; I especially like your closing line:
In one of That’s So Raven’s
estherrmaolife is precious and if we are the healthy ones, the capable ones, it’s our job to help the ones in need, not because we have to, but because we can.There are some mistakes and I corrected them as seen below:
In one of That’s So Raven’s
0
Related Questions