Review my essay pls ,thank u, PART 2

Question

The photo has demonstrated how does the hot balloon proceed with its material. The following essay will exhibit further details.

As the picture illustrates, the material includes various parts about over eight parts . On the top of the hot balloon, the parachute valve makes an important contribution which is a self-sealing flap that allows hot air to escape the controlled rate. The burner and propane cylinder also make an important contribution as they mix propane with air to produce flame to make the hot air. Due to the fact that hot air lighter than cool air, it makes the hot air balloon to be flown up easily. The basket is the place for people standing, In addition, the burner will provide the fire for the process to make the balloon comes up higher and sucessfully.

In conclusion, the hot air balloon can't be flown up without the eight crucial parts.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You are just starting to learn to write these IELTS essays, so you make a lot of "beginner" mistakes.

The photo (It is a diagram, drawing, illustration or picture. It was not taken with a camera!)

has demonstrated (Use the present tense when describing diagrams, cross-sections and flow charts.)

how does the hot balloon proceed with its material. (That is very poor and unnatural English. Material is not correct.

The diagram illustrates the parts of a hot air balloon and gives information about its operation.

~~The following essay will exhibit further details.~~

(Delete this sentence. Never use the word "essay". The examiner knows you are writing an essay.)

~~As the picture illustrates,~~ (This is repetitive and gives no information. The examiner knows you are describing this drawing.)

~~the material includes various parts about over eight parts~~ . That is poor English. Material is not correct.

The second paragraph has the "main features" per the essay instructions. Do not write about details such as the parachute valve. Write one sentence about the components, and another about how it works.

Overall, a hot air balloon has six main parts, the envelope, the skirt, ropes, a passenger basket, burner and fuel cylinders. It operates on the principle that hot air is lighter than colder air.

On the top of the hot balloon, the parachute valve makes an important contribution which is a self-sealing flap (Wrong position for this clause. That is not a kind of contribution. ) that allows hot air to escape ~~the~~ at a controlled rate. The burner and propane cylinder also make an important contribution (repetitious.) as they (The cylinder does not mix the propane with air.) mix propane with air to produce flame to make the hot air. Due to the fact that hot air is lighter than cool air, it makes the hot air balloon ascend / go up / rise. ~~to be flown up easily~~. The basket is the place for people ~~standing~~, In addition, the burner will provide the fire (You already wrote this. Do not repeat the same ideas.) for the process to make the balloon comes (wrong verb form) up higher and sucessfully.

OK, you described how the balloon goes up and flies. How does it come down safely without crashing and killing the people in the basket?

Never write a conclusion paragraph for task 1. Never draw conclusions or deductions. Never write any opinions. Delete this sentence.

~~In conclusion, the hot air balloon can't be flown up without the eight crucial parts.~~

Review my essay pls ,thank u, PART 2

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