[Repost] [Task_1] Practice task in Improve your writing skills book

Question

Hi guys, My name is Galvin. I am taking writing practice in preparation for my upcoming Ielts examination. I take this practice test from the "Improve your writing skills" of Macmillan.

Task 1: The graph shows the income of four cafe in New York over last year. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features. Make comparisons where it is relevant.

The line graph illustrates information regarding the earnings of four New York-based cafe, namely the The Tea Room, Wifi Cafe, Internet Express, and Cafe Cool over the last year.

Looking at the graph, albeit the income of the four cafe experienced some fluctuation from month to month, it is noticeable that the 1-year sales of The Tea Room demonstrated a drop while that of the other three cafe was on the rise. Particularly, The Tea Room's earnings slightly decreased from around 160.000 dollars in January to almost 140.000 dollars in October, then plummeted to approximately 50.000 dollars in December. Compared to the other three cafes, this sale of The Tea Room was the lowest by the end of the year.

By contrast, the income of other three cafe-specialised avenues in New York went up by varying degrees. To be more specific, there was a gradual increase in relation to the Cafe Cool's earnings over the first ten months, followed by a sudden rise to 120.000 dollars in December. In addition, the Wifi Cafe and Internet Express also experienced an upward trend. Between January to June, the former doubled its earnings from 50.000 dollars to nearly 100.000 dollars, then reached its peak at relatively 190.000 dollars. Likewise, the trend for the Internet Express was also upward. There was a steady fall for the Internet Express in terms of earnings, however, it gradually climbed up, ending the year at at relatively 130.000 dollars.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

CrokcodiThe line graph illustrates information

Illustrate is not an appropriate verb for plots or tables of data.
Use it for maps, flowcharts, and diagrams. Those figures are pictures. "Illustrate" means "show a picture of" or visualize something.

For plots you can use compare, plot, give, show and sometimes depict. For tables, use list or give.

Information is too vague. It can mean almost anything. Tell the reader what data is on the graph.

You wrote nearly 250 words, while the minimum is 150.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.

Second, especially in Task 2, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. In Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.

Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score.

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays. I show words that are used incorrectly.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph illustrates information regarding the earnings of four New York-based cafe, (wrong form) namely the The Tea Room, Wifi Cafe, Internet Express, and Cafe Cool over the last year.

Your essay outline is not good. Read my advice:

Paragraph 1: Describe the figure, but not the data.

Paragraph 2: Give two or three significant features. Avoid writing specific data values.

Paragraph 3: Focus on some interesting details. You get a higher score if you combine categories and do comparisons.

If you would like a sample essay, you may ask.

~~Looking at the graph,~~ (Those are unproductive words. The examiner knows you are looking at the graph. Delete.) albeit the income of the four cafe (wrong form) experienced (wrong word. Money does not have experiences. ) some ~~fluctuation~~ (read my advice. ) variation from month to month, ~~it is noticeable that~~ (delete) the ~~1-year~~ sales of The Tea Room ~~demonstrated a~~ dropped while that of the other three cafe (wrong form) was on the rise. Particularly, The Tea Room's earnings slightly decreased from around 160.000 dollars in January to almost 140.000 dollars in October, then fell ~~plummeted~~ (Avoid "drama" words in Task 1. Use neutral, unemotional science/maths vocabulary) to approximately 50.000 dollars in December. Compared to the other three cafes, this sale of The Tea Room was the lowest by the end of the year. (You put too much detail in this paragraph.)

By contrast, the income of other three cafe-specialised avenues (wrong expression) ~~in New York~~ (Do not repeat information about the figure that you put in the first paragraph.) went up by varying degrees. To be more specific, there was a gradual increase in relation to the Cafe Cool's earnings over the first ten months, followed by a sudden rise to 120.000 dollars in December. In addition, revenue for the Wifi Cafe and Internet Express also ~~experience~~d had an upward trend. Between January to (wrong word) June, the former doubled its earnings from 50.000 dollars to nearly 100.000 dollars, then reached its peak (wrong word. There is only one peak on this graph, The Tea Room in March. ) wrong word.) at relatively (wrong word.) 190.000 dollars. Likewise, the trend for the Internet Express was also upward. There was a steady fall for the Internet Express' ~~in terms of~~ earnings, (comma splice error- ungrammatical sentence. wrong word.)however, it gradually climbed up, ending the year at at relatively 130.000 dollars.

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