Report for the CPE exam - Is the structure correct and formal?

Question

Your local community group is interested in the views that local people hold about crime in your area. You have been asked to write a report for the chairman of the community group. You should address the following points:

What crimes are the most worrying for young people? What steps can be taken to make young people feel less afraid?

Write your report for the chairman. (around 300 - 350 words)

CURRENT SCENARIO

The aim of this report is to outline the main crimes that have been mentioned by the young people in the community which are: homicides and armed robberies.

RECOMMENDATIONS

It has been pointed out that the community has become a highly attractive place for thieves whose main activities have been focused on stealing young citizens in crossroads, desert streets, restaurants, bars and also residential buildings. Homicides in the region have increased over the past year, albeit the economic scenario has provided poor people a good quality of life and employment.

Nonetheless, the community has managed with the presence of a huge slum which has increased in size five times over the past ten years, so the wealth of the community. It is believed that the ostentatious lifestyle that has been shown by young people in the community has drawn the attention of homicidal and robbers who are not afraid of losing their lives in exchange for a material good, on the contrary, it is said that the opportunity makes the robber. Such an opinion has been expressed by the local police who recommend that the young people must avoid showing personal belongings such as electronic gadgets, expensive cars and watches.

It is understandable that young people are highly observed by the thieves due to the fact that they attend the same places. It is advisable that they must walk in groups in order to avoid being caught by criminals and kidnappers. Crimes statistics have shown that thieves have acted mainly in the evening.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion the increase of the standard of living in the community have drawn the attention of different kind of thieves, not only ordinary burglars but also highly skilled criminals which are interested in making profits from the young. To sum up, citizenship programs in the slum, crime prevention strategies and also volunteering projects are highly recommended.

Tanit · Accepted Answer

Hi.

First thing first: reports for the CPE should be more structured. Three paragraphs are fine, but you should also think about including sub-paragraphs and bullet points to make the second paragraph look better organized.

I would change the heading of the fist paragraph (why "Current scenario"? you're not setting the context there, but stating one of the aims). Maybe change it to a more general "Introduction" and mention the other, more important, aim (i.e. making recommendations) given in the task.

I would also restructure the second paragraph and change its title, since under the title "Recommendations" you're also including results of some sort of survey. By the way, using impersonal constructions ("It has been pointed out," "It is believed that" ... ) is fine in reports, but I think you ought to make it clear, either at the beginning of the second paragraph or in the introduction, how data were collected. For instance, you might say that you interviewed two policemen and five students from the local high school, or that you delivered 50 questionnaires in the local sports centre.

Afer that, you might break the second paragraph into two or three sub-paragraphs.

In the first case, you might summarize relevant information/main issues in the first sub-paragraph and make your recommendations in the second. At least one piece of advice should be given for each point raised, and in the same order as in the first sub-paragraph.
In the second case, you might use a sub-paragraph for each issue (for instance, one about the slum, one about ostentation, the third about being alone), putting together description and recommendation(s).

With reference to the third paragraph, in the very last sentence of the conclusions you say "to sum up," but you raise two points (citizenship programs in the slum, and volunteering projects) that were not mentioned before and that are only loosely connected to an issue, the presence of the slum, mentioned in the second paragraph. For cohesion and coherency reasons, I'd include them in the second paragraph and make the link with both the issue and the task (hou would they help making young people less afraid?) clearer.

Finally, there are some structures/expressions that do not sound correct to me (for instance, "stealing young citizens", "the young people", "Crimes statistics," "the increase ... have drawn," "criminals which are interested"), but I think it would be better if a native speaker commented on them.

Alexandremelo · Answer

Thank you very much Tanit.

I´ll check the points.

have a good day.

alexandre

Report for the CPE exam - Is the structure correct and formal?

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