Refusal letter, please give some comments

Hello everyone,

I got an assignment on writing a refusal letter. I send it to my prof and then she send me the file back with her comments on it. I tried to fix it but I am not sure I did it correct. Could you guys please take a look and give me some suggestions?
Thank in advance
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Here is the letter with the prof's comments

RESPONDING TO MULTICULRAL LANGUAGUE ISSUES



We are please to receive your concern letter about language issues for multicultural guests. review class notes…..reader’s concern is not how pleased the writer is. .. think about this…why would you be pleased to get a request that you are going to have to refuse? According to our research, the mission of the Office of International Services is to foster cross-cultural understanding and enable international students to accomplish their educational, social, and professional objectives at Indiana University. Therefore, one of your goal in this academic year to achieve that statement is to collaborate with other community units to develop, and implement services to enhance cross-cultural awareness and strengthen the provision of programs and services to international students, faculty, and staff. As a major retail organization, we totally agree with your idea and we are happy to help the internation students to incorporate with this community.this information—after it is revised for conciseness is good information. .it just isn’t information that should be in the opening paragraph. Opening paragraph is two or three sentences—onsubject neutral opening to get the reader to continue reading.

One of the reason that the international student come to the U.S to study is because they want to improve their English skills and also to learn more about the U.S culture. Therefore, to achieve that goal, one of the best ways is to deal with English as much as possible. Based on a science research, reading advertisements and in-store signages in English can help the foreigners expanding their skills effectively in such a short time. In addition, at Williams’ Inc many multicultural team members who come from those countries that was listed in your letter will always be available to help customers when they have difficulties to understand the advertisements and signs. Without a doubt, customers will receive benefits from using English advertisements.

When word gives you a red or green underline, that means something is wrong grammatically. Always proofread those very carefully.

At Williams’ Inc, customer satisfaction is our suceess. We are bringing the best to our customers not only by the quality products but also by improving their happiness and knowledge. And we believe that all other retailers in this coummunity will share this common thought. So we all share that using English advertisements will bring our customers closer to success in inproving their English skills.I like your idea. .. .but be sure the refusal is clear but positive.

We understand that your national meeting on October 24 is a great chance to share the good news that all major retailers in this community will try their best to support the multicutural guests. Therefore, please bring to the national meeting our promise that we still, and will always , try to make our multicultural customers happy when shopping at our stores. And using English advertisements is one in many good ways to do that.

We deeply appreciate that you took the time to bring your efforts to our attention. We look forward to receiving more thoughful suggestions and ideas from you in the near future.